Rated for content and language.
Black bags billow through,
like half-imagined tumbleweeds,
across plantations of scrapers
and irrigated subway streams
like congested pools of polluted blood.
This here’s no urban jungle,
but a farm, like any other farm out there—
serving to harden you and callused palms.
A cultivation of a culture,
of neglected men in the worn-out boots
of one mean generation;
a labor-life, where leisure
is a fresh scent of paint fumes,
mingled weed and man manure.
Things may tame the animals of the ghetto
who crave designer branding and shackles,
while feeding off the fodder of other men,
fueling feuds between Fifth Street
and Ninth Street’s gang of thieves.
This here’s a wilderness’ nest,
hatching the cuckoo’s cracked egg.
S’why we’re all so fucked up.
Isolated too, the lone farmer-man,
his nose stuck on a field of glass,
Those artificial pixels light the twinkle in his eye.
At least he makes his own foods, his crops
are what they call art here, because what else
can sustain him in such a place devoid of people?
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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139,425 Literary Works • 672,560 Reviews
Well Audy! I've actually had my eye on you, because my most popular nickname is Aushy, and it's close, and you know how silly writer's minds work.
Well, hallo, I'm Zly Quill, nice to be reviewing you. Let's get started!
I. Nitpicks
II. Structure
III. Closing Notes
I.
This was intentional, wasn't it? I can tell. Honestly, however, it doesn't give the reader much to go on. Obviously a culture has been cultured or cultivated, because it is a culture. I understand why you used it, and you don't have to change it, it just caught my eye.
Spell out 'and,' dear.
'Cause*
II.
While not much of a poet myself, I found this very good, strong, and pretty. I liked your descriptions, but for some reason, I didn't fall into the poem as easily as I wanted to. I don't know what it was, perhaps the rhythm of the poem was slightly off or something.
III.
Praises~ I liked your word usage, pretty language, and just overall good structure/poetry.
Critiques~ As I said it sounded like it was a little off, but other than that, can't think of anything.
PM me or visit my spaceship if you ever want a review again!
Love & Blessings,
Zly Quill
Audy, returning the favour.
First, props for the consistently effective alliteration. Very nice. To what extent was it deliberate?
Second, what's going on with the meter? You have a very distinct style in all your poems, they all flow very nicely. My one gripe, however, is there seems to be no plan behind the structure of the piece. Each line by itself is liquid sound, but they seem to struggle to fall together. It would be quite lyrical but for the inconsistencies.
Third, one or two small nit-picks:
Should this read "not an urban jungle" ?
A question mark at the end perhaps?
Other than that, I dig this. Interesting exploration of the topic, great imagery (I especially liked the foreign cuckoo egg in the wilderness' nest), clever techniques, and I love your easy style.
Yours,
K.