here in the stone before the dark
and enclosed by walls, we meet eyes—
yours, speckled and burnishing a mosaic rose.
there's little
to say
at first
before it unravels.
I came to think of you as a warm rain,
lapped in it, I'm layered coverings and second skins
dripping on a melt.
I like how your neck bows to an open book, and the reeds frown upon a pond
how hair floats in the drive-by sun—wings groomed by voyages.
our conversations were in these balled dandelions, pocketed as though to wither, as though letting grow on their own became at once too selfless, our lives too thin,
kisses chasing down kisses and too much red staining the skin.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey darling.
I feel like this would be more poignant if it was 'a speckled and burnished mosaic rose', not only does it flow better, but it's also more /personal/ rather than the speckledness being a completely separate entity from the rose. It connects it, if that makes sense.
I feel like this is one of those metaphors that doesn't show your work in it's best light. It's not the most original thing, and it's an amateur, average kind of metaphor that degrades your poem quite a lot. The rest of the poem has this floaty, dream like, cummings quality that doesn't continue through this line. Along with that, the image of moss carpeting and unraveling doesn't sit right with me. When you think about it, it really doesn't make actual, real sense. The two metaphors don't connect the way they should.
Now the next stanza, I adore. I think if you had to condense this poem down to one stanza, I would hope you would pick this one because it's simply amazing and I want to write it on the inside of my hand and show it to people. My one issue with it would be "dripping on a melt". What exactly are you going for? The words need rearranged or something because I'm getting two adjectives but no nouns to balance them.
I think if you deleted the next stanza all together, or integrated it into other stanzas, it would make your poem stronger. It is by far the weakest of your entire poem, in my opinion. There's no connection between the two lines, or the metaphors inside the lines. It feels like you had a bunch of metaphors written out and closed your eyes and pointed, and the ones you landed on got put together. hair floating in the drive-by sun-- wings groomed by voyages doesn't make sense. Deep down, I want the hair to have something to do with the pond, being water/floating is such a pretty image.
The next stanza is a strong closing, but I think you could delete the 'pocketed as though to wither' line. It's really not needed, and it adds too much... detail, almost to your poem. The rest of your poem floats and is so ethereal that adding too much detail ruins it for me.
Overall, I think your biggest issue in this poem is making connections between metaphors. In many places, I feel as if they were simply put together because it was easy, or because they fit the best. The connections were not as strong as I'm used to with your poetry. Maybe if you go back and edit this, ask yourself /why/ you put certain images together, because it feels like you're not really sure. The poem has, like I've said several times, a dream like quality I really enjoyed. It floated in the air, it was pretty and it reminded me of warm summer afternoons. I loved it <3
I adore this review, thannnk you <3
Audster,
You don't need my commentary on this but I'm going to give it to you anyway. When I first read this it didn't touch me. I sighed a little because I (selfishly) thought you were going the same way I am, a little stagnant and a little stilted in language. I am grotesquely glad that I chose to read this again, and again and again. This is a special poem.
Your language is swift and slow here, you're detailing the thorns on a rose bush with your jagged lines and speckled, unravelling and dandelions. I like that we have the meeting, the living, and the death, all cluttered into one relatively short poem. You show so much skill here, to tell the narrative without halting. I particularly enjoy the rhyme at the end, which is unusual for me, but it is just right, like a bitter tang of lime in water.
What's going wrong for me? I'm still feeling the stilted, there is a slowness that I'm not sure you intend to have here, though I couldn't tell you how to change it so perhaps it belongs. I absolutely do not like your third line. I like speckled, I can come around to burnished, but there is something about an eye as a rose that I'm just not following. Which is frustrating because I can see your botanical bent in this poem and I think I understand why roses - that sparkle of new romance, of Romance capital R, where things are extravagantly loving. I in fact absolutely adore the botanical bent, I think it works spectacularly well with your dandelions. I love it. But that third line is a parasite to me, I'm sorry. I'm also a little sketch on voyages but that's because the word isn't slotting in neatly for me (an accent thing maybe for why the line won't work for me).
All in all this is a wonderful poem, I think it took longer for me to get into than your usual, but it seems to be a solid new direction for you and I look forward to more.
♥
Thank you! <3 <3
Hi Audy! This is a beautifully written poem here. I like how you were specific on the details about the setting. Though, I couldn't really understand what was going on through the poem. You really need explain to the reader what's going on otherwise you're just going to be confusing a lot of people. Hope that didn't sound too harsh.
Like the few before me, I couldn't really understand it, but that doesn't make it any less emotional. I feel like it's just a small story of lovers? Even if you can't understand it, you can get that these are two people who are deeply in love. That's what I get from it. I'm not too sure about the end, maybe that they lose each other? Again, I don't really understand it and again, it's not hard to feel the emotion in it. But anyway, really well written, and the only thing that I think you need to work on is capitalization. You don't have to do it with every line, just at the beginning of what seems lie a sentence. Solid job.
That's exactly what it's about. xD You're right on both the stress on emotion and the ending. Thanks for reading and reviewing!
This is so beautiful that I'm in pain.
"I like how your neck bows to an open book, and the reeds frown upon a pond
how hair floats in the drive-by sun—wings groomed by voyages."
Das hawt.
Beautifully written <3
Hey, Audy! After a month of not being on here, it feels good to take a stretch and review...especially with the sad monkey.
So, first off, I couldn't really understand it. It might be because of my nine-year-old-sophisticated-but-unable-to-understand-metaphorical-poems brain. But looking down to the previous review, I see that PebbleToad couldn't understand it either. I'm totally fine if you want to leave it like this. I understand. But people like me can't seem to get it, and maybe other people don't either. So, if you would fix it, it would be so great. And if you do, notify me and I will definitely come take a look.
Second, this stanza: "I came to think of you as a warm rain,
lapped in it, I'm layered coverings and second skins
dripping on a melt."
It looks like each line is a phrase, or a thought, and when you say them together it doesn't exactly make sense.
Except for that, everything's perfect! Let me know if you make it more clear!
-wisegirl22
Wisegirl, welcome back! The particular line mentioned is talking about the experience of a warm rain. I can take a closer look at the diction here, it may be the layered coverings that tangles it up, all those darn words! If it sounds like thoughts and phrases that is more intentional.
This was an intriguing poem with a lot of potential. It uses analogy and metaphor liberally and relatively well, but a bit ambiguously. I really could not make sense of what was happening, and some of the metaphors added to my confusion. This type of thing is hard, because I know from experience that it sounds perfect in your head, but confuses everyone else. Try to tell in the poem what the tree and moss are, what the open book is an allusion to. Otherwise, this comes out like a sort of Dali painting in your head. Otherwise, awesome piece!
-Toady
xD Open book means open book, tree and moss means there's a tree with moss, there are no allusions there.
Thanks for the review.
Hey Audy! CHRISSY321 here with a review!
I just want to start off with that this is interesting! There are so many hidden meanings in this poem! The description was very good, and helped me see the comparisons that you shared with this piece of work. I feel that I would fix a thing or two though...
I think that the last two lines rhymed, and that was great, but then it was out or place. I think that you could have at least tried to do that in other areas in the poem as well, instead of just in that one place. I think then it would flow and sound a little better- smoother! (that is just my opinion)
Ok, now I just want to point out my favorite line:
"how hair floats in the drive-by sun—wings groomed by voyages."
I think that was beautiful! the description, and just that way it is. I just loved that line! I can just see something old, and having been aged, and had been on different voyages. It just sounded really cool, and I think suited this deep meaningful work! Great job!
That is all I really have to say, and I hope I helped in some kind of way!
Keep Writing!