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This was a good poem, but the thing that really bothered me was you lack of periods and capitalization. Your format was a little distracting, too. Just try to put capital letters and punctuation in and then I will look a little better. Otherwise, good topic and interesting poem!
Heya there Audy,I won't go too much into the grammar stuff like Animal,but I will review.
The first thing I thought when I was reading was,even though all I really know about this person is that they make sandwiches on a griddle,I can tell they have had a hard life.
Maybe it had something to do with the fact that you started but saying "When I was twelve".
For me,this showed that they WERE twelve.They once thought like a person who is twelve and you once made sandwiches like someone who is twelve. But they WERE twelve...you are NOT twelve anymore.
Another thing I picked up on was a stickiness. Maybe just the way you described the heat or griddle. But I could feel the sticky heat and hands and counter top and griddle..sticky.
I like the bee sting thing . It shows some contrast to what we saw before. The persona seemed all gritty before,but we can see they are just a child by how a bee sting is something that hurts more than they have felt before.
Then,we see another side...a grown up.
There,at first,seems to be an air of sophistication here ..until..."night panic"
We see now that this person is not as strong as they thought and that beneath all the sophistication something is gnawing away at what they thought they could hold back.
And this person seems to be pretty confused and obsessive with their thoughts and what they hear.....and the tragedy.....and we see how the person deals with it.
By the way..I think I noticed something but wasn't sure...that first bee sting..it set off a whole phobia for insects...that was something really smart to have as an underlying thing.
So great work! Skyexxx
I thought that I will drop in...
First can we move on to grammar and all.
I don't know that why you didn't Capitalized and added punctuation. You know that better than me, so I won't say more. May I please tell some general errors.
Brooklyn. It needs to be Capitalized and you know why.
incessentincessantThis is what I found out and now I am really scared. They put me against you in the April madness poetry contest. I know I am going to leave. This is just a good poem.
-Ani
Oh! I wasn't aware that they're even assigning opponents for the April madness thing yet? Considering, that they haven't rounded everyone up yet. I'm also assuming those are just the list of people participating in the order they posted on the thread, and Rydia was just explaining how the chart thing would work.
Thanks though for the review, you're kind! ^^
To answer the capitals/punctuation question, it's a stylistic choice poets can make. For me it helps to maintain a fluidity, but also an ambiguity where certain nouns can be read as verbs or certain noun/verbs can be read as adjectives, etc. I can provide you with more information/research if you're interested in knowing more about the intentions behind it.
Thanks again for reading!
~ Auds