AN: A bit of a warning as it's filled with personal references. My dad and I have a bit of a complicated relationship. I'm a bit early for father's day though, so have at it.
I saw the rustic Red collide,
its shell the chewed apple peels
of your browning cores.
I saw the cycler swept underneath
and the crunch of skull on concrete
crisp, like how you used to bite inside
with juices running down your hand--
we thought you were an animal.
Gross, how the world works.
You were the wheel, and we rolled windows
as you farted right at life and killed us
with splitting sides and contorted noses.
We ran roads in silence
where distance is our intimacy.
Not a touch or hug, and how long has it been
since you've last called?
We'd screech our tire marks across the world for this.
Remember how I was you for Halloween,
oh father of another name.
I tried on pairs of glasses and
sharpie mustaches. And twenty years
and I still steal your work socks.
Roll them up to my knees to fill the void.
Alex and I used to think you the beast,
the hulk, the big, bad wolf: tall, angry, mean--
but you are just empty bottles of Miller lite
and apple cores I'd soon throw away.
They all speak of Henry the King,
but never Henry the father whose shoulders
I used to ride.
You saw me as no one else did--
as yours to call daughter--
I only ever wanted to catch up.
Maybe I ran too fast.
The way you just wrote that and the way you got in touch with your emotions was exactly the way i wish to be able to some day. So in a way you could say that your my new role model.
Aw, that means a lot
Thank you!
This is deep.
I try. <3
That first paragraph was interesting.
The way that this is structured really compliments the flow of the words.
That last line, "Maybe I ran too fast." just leaped out and really made me feel something.
Audy ma darling.
First, I kind of like the interjection of "gross" - I hear it somewhat constantly from the kids at work, so it totally makes sense to me.
That aside! I'm not sure what to make of some of the connections between all your images and words, or what I'm supposed to take away from them (nor am I entirely sure what to think, really). However, since this is for someone so specific, I'll let that rest this time (well, at least I'll try) ^^ I can, however, tell you what I loved and what I thought lackluster.
I don't like starting with "Daddy." I find it too specific, and since you do address the father/daughter relationship near the end, and much more deftly, I don't think you need it. Same stanza, don't like using the simile. Nix "like," and I like it better. (Like, totally! Ok, back to not being a Valley Girl). I love the enjambment of "concrete/crisp," but "we thought you [were] an animal," 'cause, I don't think it sounds natural here at all as it is.
Next stanza, and how's this for nit-picky!, no comma after "window"! I don't like it. I love "where distance is our intimacy" and "We'd screech our tire marks across the world for this."
"Roll them up to my knees to fill the void." Image. Love. Yes. Last two lines of that stanza, thought?. No commas. Please. I want to read it all smoothly. The chopped up feel with the commas just isn't doing it for me.
"but can no longer" I don't like. It's implied rather nicely by the previous lines (which I love), and the redundancy after "used to ride" just kind of ruins the lovely effect you had going. Also, nix the "Daddy" in the following line. Just start with "You saw me as..." Also, and this is being incredibly picky, I know, I want the line to read "yours to call daughter" with no "as" to precede it, since you already have it in the previous line, and you're not setting up any parallelism between the lines, and "as" isn't really a strong word to play with that way, anyway, I don't think. I mean, if you had a bunch of parallel lines, I would probably still say to not use "as," but rather use "yours," since I think it's a better word to start on. Anyway. Something's not quite clicking with the punctuation in those lines for me, either, but I can't really put my finger on what or why.
Love love love your final line.
Anyhoo! Thanks for sharing, Audy! I always seem to forget how much I like reading your poetry, and I can't figure out why. You give me such lovely juicy images to sink my teeth into! <3
You are too good :3 Thank you! *totes imagining Mesh as a valley girl*
Hey Audy! I was deeply affected by the poem in some way. And that pushed me to give a short review of the piece based on how it affects readers and its imagery. Here I go...
The tone and mood of the piece was the first to catch my mind. The voice of a little girl, sad and frail with a bit of a trauma, spoke the words into me, and that hinted the mood of the piece whereupon the word choice theme falls in perfect fit. The mood, also easy to find out, speaks of sadness and a bit of longing, it was as if the piece is used as an escape from a haunting memory.
The sense of style comes thereafter, still following the tone of the girl and the fairly negative mood. It was obviously a free verse, but the way the words were cut were very strict. I think this alludes the idea of false freedom--not there anymore, but still there, something like that. I also like how a comparative idea transits to another, for example:
Although the comparison was indirect, and a bit (just a bit!) strange, the form of the lines make its similarity evident, and somehow beautifully connected, too.
The theme of the piece is undoubtedly present in all stanzas, just how the style and mood were kept. The only word which I think is not used at its most is 'Gross' since for me, it broke the serene seriousness of the piece. But of course, I can't suggest excluding it since it can be traced from a girl's vocabulary. Its' just a word that made me pause while rereading, that's all. The organization of the piece is a bit quick, too. The sudden transition from stanza to stanza rearranged the images in my mind. I say this in a positive way because you've said you had this complicated relationship, and the mishap these thoughts experienced really made the phase alive.
Lastly, I love the imagery; the mixture of words made vivid images and the structure exuded this feeling which I empathized due to the word orders. Also, the classic style of writing poems (the innovative word structures) present in the piece makes the strong feelings serene and seemingly calm, which I think is good.
Overall, I give two thumbs up for this piece. It speaks a lot about your personage and the ties between father and daughter (Love the Lovely Bones). It's very beautiful both in sense and form, dear, congrats on this piece. I do hope everything between you and your dad becomes fine
Your pal,
Al
Thanks for the thoughtful review! Haha, I'll definitely consider changing "gross" as you're absolutely right and I didn't catch that. Glad you enjoyed it.
Hmm, this poem is a bit of a complicated one. Maybe because of the relationship between you and your father. Well, anyway the pattern of this poem, even though the pattern of the poem, 8-9-10-6-1, is unusual, it suits the poem rather very well. Good Work!! Yeah, so this is a poem about your father. It is good and describes your father very well. I can actually picture him in my mind. How he is and all. I can feel your feelings and emotions from this poem and it is a good thing. Overall I liked the poem very much. there are no faults however you might want to work on thinning out the poem a bit like distributing the lines in your poem a wee bit and making it look more less bulky. And last but not the least I would like to give you a thumbs up because a well written poem deserves one.!! Keep writing.
Duly noted! Thanks for the review, it made me smile
He is actually very tall, so I'm glad that stuck out! 
Hmm, this poem is a bit of a complicated one. Maybe because of the relationship between you and your father. Well, anyway the pattern of this poem, even though the pattern of the poem, 8-9-10-6-1, is unusual, it suits the poem rather very well. Good Work!! Yeah, so this is a poem about your father. It is good and describes your father very well. I can actually picture him in my mind. How he is and all. I can feel your feelings and emotions from this poem and it is a good thing. Overall I liked the poem very much. there are no faults however you might want to work on thinning out the poem a bit like distributing the lines in your poem a wee bit and making it look more less bulky. And last but not the least I would like to give you a thumbs up because a well written poem deserves one.!! Keep writing.