Young Writers Society

Hi there! I haven't been around in a really long time and it's been about a year since I've last done a review. Let's see if I still remember how to do this....
I really enjoyed this poem. I liked the structure, the way you broke it up by the hour.
I think the first stanza was my favorite; the comparison of tending tomatoes to loving a man was actually kind of brilliant.
In the "8 am" part... I wonder what the "drug" is referring to? This left me a little confused, but the rest of your imagery was breath-taking.
The "9 am" part.... Yes. Just yes.

Overall, your poem really worked. I liked that it was serious, yet you interspersed it with a little humor. I particularly liked the "free! free at last!" bit. The extended metaphor of the eggs was pretty clever (I actually just finished eating some eggs xD).
Anyway, great job. Sorry if this review was inadequate; like I said, it's been as while. I hope I managed to help you somehow!

The similes you used created a good sense of understanding. Do you love eggs? x3 Haha. Anyway I think it was really nice, and you may of made some grammar errors but who cares? As long as you got your points across that's what counts right? Share your creativity for the world.

7am
they call it "breaking the fast", in other words:
replenishment—
like tending tomato plants, or indeed, loving a man.
then,
you wake up one day
and grow tired of his cooking.

Please capitalize, but anyway, nice.

8am
it's not the drug, but it's the sound the eggs make when your fists dare to crush them
the crisp dew before the house wakes,
before the sun's set in to seep through pores
and the house is as cold as the slime yolk in your hand, and your hand is as cold
as grave headstones.


Eggs,, yummy.cold as gravestones?


that's when your breathing
crackles,
and you're caving in about to fracture,
about to chase after your ghosts
and their ( omelets!)

Nice, egg story, that's right yolks! See instead of folks .. Yolks.. Don't mind the bad pun

9am
a routine's a routine's a routine's a circle;
and the breaking is U
always you, the problem, the missing piece.

What's with the capital U?

there's want to spill out everywhere until you can settle in
between the ridges on the vinyl floor,
to squeeze in a small space—

Nice, I'm speechless

unbothered, untouched.

Wasn't it cracked already...

10am
see how the yolk drips patterns on the glass?
and the cool of the dank a/c in the air;
you're the wanting of being, and the being of nothing.

We're you hungry by this point, I am...

you must become the wind,
free! free at last!
face the truths in the soft embryos
the ones that crack before they're hatched,
the ones we're all afraid of.


Creativity is flowing through this


11am
no one can love you as you love yourself; that's what they tell you after
a crack


Hmmm.. That's odd


and still,
to speak to someone who might understand the cadence of these words,
sweep you off the floor, mend the jagged edges of your spine and sooth your stones.
your's not the kind of love Fair people give, but the kind of love you want to give,
wholesome,
and unafraid.

Wh is the fair capitalized, not the beginning of the sentences?!?!


12pm
see the brilliance of a circle:
sun and moon and atoms of soul,
and eggs as white and pure as pearls,
sweet as the rum drops to the tongue—


K then..

there will always come a time for lunch.

Yummy!

This is very creative, you must love eggs! Either than capitalization, and the misspelling of omelet, this is nice. It's got such creativity! I feel like another meaning is on this? am i right? what was your inspiration? But anyway, Sorry for the short review, I'm in a bit of a rush.
Keep writing, I love the creativity

Wow that was really deep,profound, and meaningful! I love the constant comparison throughout the whole of the poem, very nice. It wasn't to strained or ruhed or to (excuse spelling) vauge. However,
"that's when your breathing
crackles,
and you're caving in about to fracture,
about to chase after your ghosts
and their omelettes"
I would re-write that as
"That is when your breathing crackles,
And you're caving in about to fracture,
About to chase after your ghosts,
And their omelettes."
Just a suggestion and some punctuation errors adresed. Now back to the positive stuff.
"a routine's a routine's a routine's a circle;
and the breaking is U
always you, the problem, the missing piece."
I love this! especially how you used the letter U kind of like the broken circle but also as "you". Brillant!

That's really all I have to say except sometimes less word is more

Keep it up!
~Speakerskat

what a wonderful poem this is(:
i quite enjoyed it
i kind of thought that it was more of a journal entry though lol
but like i told everyone that i reviewed,
everyoneone has their own style of writing poetry.
like as for me i forget to capitalize a lot and sometimes i can be lyrical and other times i can be rhyme freak lol

out of your whole poem i loved this line:

"no one can love you as you love yourself; that's what they tell you after
a crack."

i loved it because their is so much truth in what your saying.

your grammar needs a little work but other thatn that beautiful.
this poem kind of inspired me. ive been going through alot lately and let me just say i cracked not to long ago

thank you for sharing your poetry, please keep writing(: