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138,419 Literary Works • 672,118 Reviews
This is amazing command of language and linguistics. I am in awe.
This isn't much of a review.
I really love this, it's so creative the way you have incorporated the numeric countdown to an explosion of some sort. It effectively builds up the tension very effectively.
I have to say, it feels unfinished though. Realizes what? Perhaps I don't quite understand the metaphors and visualisations... the story between "she" and "he" are confusing. I'm not sure if they're in a car the whole time, or in a bed at some point. I also can't tell "dn" from "umop"... I guess you intentionally merged that whole phrase in the "3AM" stanza - I personally don't understand why either.
In conclusion, the over all emotional impact of the poem is perfect, although the details may be unclear. If this was your intention anyway, please forgive me.
I like how you used deja vu twice!
Everything is intentional, yes ^_^
dn from umop = up / down, upside down.
He and she are just people, possible family members or close friends. The importance of them is that the speaker has no emotional connection to them/ just blows off whatever they have to say, in one ear and out the other. From the speaker's perspective they don't understand. The poem is meant to be jarred and broken, because that is the mindframe of the speaker. If it's a little confusing, that's okay too - but if it distracts from the piece, then I'll fix it. Let me know.
I merged the phrase in the third stanza because it's supposed to mirror this experience of being stuck. Whether you read that phrase aloud or in your head, there's this forced tension or stressed as you try to make out the words. That's the kind of stress I'm going for, if you've ever had sleep paralysis, it kind of feels similar to that.
The flashes of the car scene, and the bed scene - that's intentional. It flashes back and forth because when you get to the last line, that's the end of the countdown. And what happens at the end of a count down? An explosion. A crash, or a death.
Before one realizes is supposed to suggest that the speaker dies. It happens in a flash, and it happens as soon as you read that last line.
Thank you also for trudging through this poem, I appreciate the effort and you letting me know which parts confused you. I'm happy to answer questions.
~ as always, Audy
Ooooh! dn from umop, I get it now! You're even cleverer than I suspected!
I would hate to be responsible for you dumbing the poem down on my account... but it is a thin line between writing something readers can appreciate for its intelligence and losing your audience completely.
A suggestion for the ending, which right now looks as though you may have forgotten to finish the poem, is to rather write it like this:
"2
be too much, before one realizes-"
That tiny dash at the end is the universal sign that text has been prematurely interrupted by something external
I really like this poem
I also like the layout of the poem
Also it shows the pain well
Keep it up!!
I really love the repetition of deja vu in this poem. It really enhances the pain of it.
You reallly have fun with the word play when you read this poem, and the flow is amazing.
The only thing that I think does not quite fit is the use of "you awake in sleep." It just sounds a little awkward. Otherwise, great job!
Hello dear! One review deserves another, da? Plus after reading this I couldn't resist so you're getting one, no objections accepted
Love the word play. It took me a moment to see the double layer, how umop is actually down upside down as at first I thought you were just moving the letters around, but then I was like oh wow, it's even better! So a big thumbs up.Specifics
1. I love the half rhymes you've got going on and the general rhythm of the words is very well put together! I'm a little uncertain about 'a body can reel up free, but gets caught' as it's catching toward the end. Which might have been the intention and does go nicely with the words so this is more of a passing observation than a REMOVE IT NOW, OR ELSE! kind of comment.
2. In the second stanza, I don't like the abrupt switch between the he says and the she says. I felt like there should either have been another line about what he says or on that same wavelength and then you could move on to introducing 'she'. Or if you used a conjunction, that might make it a little softer? It's one of those challenges you have to meet when writing without punctuation! Your words need to do a little more work to guide the reader.
3.
4. There's something off about this; it doesn't quite flow with the rest of the line and it took me too long to get my head around it. I like what you're trying to do, but it's not as smooth as the rest of the piece which plays with words so flawlessly that they feel like they're meant to be there. I'd suggest 'more alive than life, but awake in your sleep'.
5. A good, strong return to the first stanza and this has an excellent feel behind it of the crash and the count down and those last few seconds before the impact.
6. The one feels a tiny bit forced. I think it might be mostly because we're waiting for it, but also because the tone is slightly different to the rest of the piece. You have he and she and it feels like it should be you because the poem is colloquial with it's 'em and its word play so that one is very off beat. But of course you need the one in there and it needs to be somewhere that's going to make an impact so- it's tricky to advise. What I will say is I can't think of a better way to do it and what you have works and the poem as a whole is too wonderful for me to get caught up on the ending.
Overall
Such a fun piece of wordplay! I haven't enjoyed reading a poem so much in a while or working my way through for a second reading to dig into those extra layers and then finding more on a third as I start to write the review.
There's a lot going on here with sound and rhythm and it might lack a solid visual from time to time but it's so much fun following the mental imagining of a stillborn dream that we don't need it.
Great work Audy and I'm sure I've not given you much that's helpful, but you should pat yourself on the back because I can't *physically* do it myself. Keep up the good work!
Heather xx
This is brilliant! I like how it is evident there is an explosion, even though you don't say it. The imagery, and how you introduce the scene by counting down. It seems really realistic, as well.
The only couple of things I have a problem with is in the second stanza, 'she says it's the hormones running in the family, got 'em barking mad,' I think it is the usage of 'em there. I'm not a big fan of shortening words like that, and it kind throws off the way your poem reads.
and this line 'when you can't tell dn from umop', I don't know if it's intentional or spelling errors, but, again, awkward.
Overall, however, I loved it!your use of numbers, spacing and syntax really make it work.
~wonderland
You're clever
That's an awesome play on words, and the poem feels effortless as if you were lying back when you wrote this. I liked it...
Just explain to me the '2' in :
So that I might not miss anything.. Keep that dn !!
Wow, that was great. It was great how you made it seem like the speaker's life was flashing before her eyes. The way you work in the numbers is brilliant. The little repeated phrases were awesome too.
The only thing I would add is that you should put the "one realizes" on a line by itself to keep it consistent. But then again, the whole point of the poem is that it's inconsistent and jarring.
Great work!