I look at us grown in business
suits and I'm left reliving a time
when we wore pastel frocks, our posteriors in the air
poised like fluffed ducks under lemindigo skies.
suits and I'm left reliving a time
when we wore pastel frocks, our posteriors in the air
poised like fluffed ducks under lemindigo skies.
We were those
who painted on walls
quaint azuletta squiggles
like proven Michaelangelos.
who painted on walls
quaint azuletta squiggles
like proven Michaelangelos.
We'd stick fingers down dark places,
and became Beethovens composing ambrolime whales,
at each nova striking
utterance of "No."
and became Beethovens composing ambrolime whales,
at each nova striking
utterance of "No."
We, who picked and ate
more than our weight of plump, oranello peppers,
just to see how low
our tongues could hang.
more than our weight of plump, oranello peppers,
just to see how low
our tongues could hang.
Who lit matches
of firelilies,
and climbed over tambrusia rooftops playing hard to get,
we were raised to believe we've evolved from monkeys.
of firelilies,
and climbed over tambrusia rooftops playing hard to get,
we were raised to believe we've evolved from monkeys.
But from that height, remember, you pointed out to me the Ether,
and I saw it too, then, and never again.
and I saw it too, then, and never again.

i do have to sa that the word choices are unexpected, but i personally thnk its all part of the style of the pice. i sometimes use vauge words in stories because it suits the story. i would not call these words vague. its a great poem about being young and being friends. i love writind and aslo reading about being young.
Great pece, keep writing < 3
I'm going to disagree with the first reviewer as well. Your word choice was a strong and unique part of the poem.
I actually am going to disagree with the first reviewer and say that I LOVE your vocabulary! I understand the words in context even if I don't know them off of the top of my head, so I don't see any problem with it. Actually, if nothing else, it just strengthens your poem. These words are beautiful.
My problem with this poem lies a little more in the flow of words. It's good for the most part, but it never has that roll-right-off-your-tongue sensation, and in some places it just lacks rhythm a bit. It's very subtle, though, and not too much to worry about.
The actual poem is, in my opinion, great. It has so much sensory appeal, it makes my skin shiver. Gah. Lovely.
Keep writing!
This poem has a lot of visual images, but if a person can't understand your poem because of unnecessary words, it doesn't make it better.
We'd stick fingers down dark places,
and became Beethovens composing ambrolime whales,
at each nova striking
utterance of "No."
I have no idea what you mean by this. None.
I'm not saying you need to 'dumb it down,' but you do need to make your point clearer.
Keep working on it! Needs a bit of polish.