While a lot of other people have left long reviews on this, I honestly can't find anything to review.
Love the chapter!
z
Akia
When they burst back into the clearing, Akia stopped dead in her tracks. Standing there were two people she had hoped she’d never see again.
“Oh, there she is,” Niro said, his arm wrapped around Falyn’s neck. “We were just talking about you.” He motioned with his free hand to the man standing across the clearing.
Archie stood there, a stupid grin on his face, as if he had just found a priceless treasure. Akia growled in the back of her throat. “Thought the spell knocked you off our track.”
“It did,” Archie responded. “Just not for long. You’ll have to create a stronger spell next time.”
“Help,” Falyn gasped as she tried to pull Niro’s arm from around her neck. But she wasn’t having much luck. The man was too strong for her.
When was it that he had come out of hiding? Last she’d heard, he had quit, given up on the jobs he used to do. Now he was back. She wouldn’t be shocked if Rhys had hired him to kill Falyn.
Where were Zeke and Mina? She looked around and saw them behind Archie, held with their hands behind their backs by two member of the Force. Akia found it weird that Archie only brought two men to back him up. It just didn’t seem his style. Then again, she really didn’t know much about Archie.
Her mind raced as she tried to form a plan. She’d need Sam’s help; she couldn’t fight all by herself.
“I’ll distract them,” she whispered to Sam out of the corner of her mouth. “You take out Archie. I’m gonna need all the help I can get with Niro.”
“I thought he retired,” Sam muttered.
“Yeah, well, you can’t really retire from being killing people, can you?” She turned to glare at Niro. “Thought you were done with all this. Thought you said you wouldn’t work for anyone anymore.”
“I won’t,” he responded nonchalantly. “I’m not working for Rhys. I’m working for myself.”
Akia’s lips curled up slightly. “No one said anything about Rhys.” She had him there. She was sure that he’d break down, lose his confidence like he always did when his plans were thwarted.
But instead he shrugged. “So you caught me. Rhys gave me orders, yes. But I am by no means working for him.”
“Like I believe that. Last time we ran into each other you were Rhys’s right hand man. What’s made you change your mind?”
“I’ve changed since we last ran into each other, Akia.”
“This is a nice reunion and everything,” Archie interrupted. “But I’d really like you to let go of that girl. She happens to be my daughter.”
Niro shook his head. “I know enough about this girl to know that you aren’t her father.” Archie narrowed his eyes.
A smile crept its way across Niro’s lips. “You might want to pay attention to what’s going on behind you.”
That was the cue. When Archie turned to see his men on the ground, unconscious, and Mina and Zeke free, he rushed into action. Akia took advantage and rushed at Niro. She wrapped her hands around his arm and thought of the fire that had been burning not too long ago.
He cried out in pain and let go of Falyn. Akia caught her as she stumbled forward.
“You,” Niro growled, rubbing his arm as he stepped forward. Akia stepped in front of Falyn, blocking her from him. He only laughed.
“You think I’m after her? Rhys was wrong about you; you aren’t as smart as he says.”
She was confused for a short while before she realized what was going on. If Niro had been after Falyn the whole time, why hang around? Why not just kill her and get it over with?
Because he wasn’t after Falyn. There was only one person Niro wanted: her.
He must’ve seen the recognition in her eyes because he laughed. “’Bout time you figured it out.” He launched at her, arms outstretched. Before he could reach her, she wrapped herself in a shield, a clear, transparent object of magic. He hit it and fell backwards.
She dropped her shield and advanced, but Niro was already back on his feet. He tackled her, pinning her to the ground. She struggled against his grip, but wasn’t able to shake him. She would have to result to using her powers again.
The fire returned to mind and Niro grunted in pain. But he refused to move. So she willed the fire bigger, stronger. As the fire built, Niro’s screams increased. And he eventually let go of her.
Pulling her knees close to her chest, she kicked up and sent Niro flying off of her. She watched as he hurled through the air and smacked into a tree. He collapsed to the ground in a heap, groaning.
Not wasting any time, she got up and rushed over to help the others. But when she reached them, they had it under control. They had Archie surrounded. He was still in a fighting stance though; he wasn’t about to give up.
“Stick it to him,” Akia shouted. “He doesn’t deserve our kindness.” She saw Archie’s stance shift a bit. She grinned; he was scared.
Suddenly, Akia was forced to the ground from behind, knocking the wind clear out of her. It wasn’t long before a long knife flashed in front of her face and stabbed the ground. It was close enough to her face that she could feel the coolness of the blade on her skin.
“Give up now, Ms. Noyes,” Niro growled in her ear. “Tell me where the locket is and I won’t slit your throat and your friends will live.”
Her chest burned as she struggled to breathe. But no matter how much oxygen she willed into her lungs, none came. She was sure that she would die; any second her body would just give up trying and fall limp.
This is what it felt like to fail, to come so close, but fall short. Everything she had worked towards, all for none. She’d never get to live another day, never return to Lightport, never have a chance to find her mother. It was done.
She couldn’t take the thought of it anymore. It was impossible; she couldn’t fail.
As time went on, she managed to take shaky breaths. They weren’t full, deep breaths with tons of oxygen, but they were enough to keep her going.
“My friends are stronger than you think,” she choked out. “You can try to kill them, but they’ll fight back. You won’t win.”
Niro was silent for a while before growling and pulling back the knife. Akia felt his weight shift. She tried to wriggle out of his grasp, planning to twist and throw him off again, but she felt his knee dig into her lower back. She screamed in pain and buried her head in her hands.
“You tell me where the locket is,” he growled. She could feel the cool blade against the back of her neck. “I won’t hesitate to do it. That’s no way out.”
“But there is.” Came Sam’s voice from above them. There was a rush of air and Niro was pushed off of her. She heard him grunt and the pressure disappeared from her back.
Despite the pain still present, she jumped up and joined Sam and the others. Niro was on his back, grimacing and holding his left shoulder. The knife was just a few feet from him, but he didn’t seem to care. Akia snatched it from the ground and held it by her side.
She snuck a look behind her to see Archie in basically the same situation. Zeke, Falyn, and Mina were guarding him while Sam had come to join her. She still didn’t understand why Archie had come without backup. It had made for an easier fight for them, but it was still terrible strategy.
“Now,” Akia said, turning back to Niro. “You’re going to go crawl back to Rhys and tell him that you failed. I know, I know, you always finish a job. But this one you’re not going to finish. The locket will stay safe with me and I’ll stay alive. Do I make myself clear?”
Niro laughed. “You’re not in any position to make threats.”
“Oh really?” She raised the knife to her ear and threw. It cut through the air and landed all too close to Niro’s cheek. Akia held back a scared look, willing her face to stay complacent. Niro didn’t need to know that she’d never thrown a knife like that before. It was terrifying. Once the knife had left her hands, she was worried that it would go the wrong way and actually hit him. She didn’t want him dead.
Niro didn’t even flinch when the knife lodged itself in the ground. It was as if he knew that it would miss.
He laughed and sat up. “You wouldn’t hurt me. You don’t have it in you. Everything you do if just to keep your sorry butt alive.”
Akia sneered. “And that’s any different than what you do? You and Rhys are just as desperate as I am.”
“So what are you going to do with me now?” Niro ignored her last comment and stood to face her. Carefully he reached down and pulled the knife from the ground. Akia felt the others come up behind her. There were five of them now, they had Niro outnumbered. “I can’t kill you and you can’t kill me.”
Akia raised an eyebrow. “What makes you think I won’t kill you?” Niro chuckled and shook his head.
“We’ve been over this. You’re not the killing type. You’d rather lie around and let others do it for you. What’d Phillip have you doing again? Training? Yeah, sounds like a job for a top assassin.”
Akia lunged at him, but Sam grabbed her arms.
“Don’t,” he said. “He’s the one with the weapon.”
“Yeah, listen to the wimp,” Niro said, walking towards the group. Akia glared at him and forced her way forward. “Leave me alone. I have a weapon. What do you have?”
She planted her feet. “A tornado.” Her hands spun around each other quickly, creating a small rush in the air. Niro barely had time to react before a funnel touched down behind him, creating a giant ruckus in the woods. Trees flopped in the wind, plants were uprooted and sucked into the tornado.
Niro fought against it best he could. But it wasn’t long before he lost his balance and disappeared into the storm. Once it had its fill, the tornado faded away into nothingness and the woods were silent once again.
Akia took a deep breath and sunk to the ground. It had taken much more energy than she had imagined creating the storm. She took deep breaths, trying to fix the empty feeling inside. But no matter how much she tried, it just wouldn’t disappear. It was getting worse.
“Hey,” Falyn said, her voice sounding distant even though she was but a few feet away. “What do we do with this guy? I wanna call him Dad, but that’s just weird now…”
Akia turned to see Archie lying not too far from her, clearly unconscious. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out except for a violent cough. When she got her bearings about her, she said, “Tie him to the tree. That way we’ll still have him when he wakes up. Sam can help you. I think I might need, ah, a rest.”
Her eyelids were heavy and she wasn’t sure how much longer she could stay awake. It was only seconds before she drifted off into a sleep that was anything but peaceful.
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For the LMS contest. Word Count: 1,966
While a lot of other people have left long reviews on this, I honestly can't find anything to review.
Love the chapter!
Hello! KatyaElefant here for her last review for you for the day or at least I think this will be my last review of the day. We shall see. Let's see what we have right here...
“Yeah, well, you can’t really retire from being killing people, can you?”
But instead he shrugged. “So you caught me. Rhys gave me orders, yes. But I am by no means working for him.”
Timmy here!
Again…. You know, I think I might stick with that style of reviewing for a while. It proves to help me remember stuff.
WAIT.
Who are these people? Akia is talking to them like they are old friends, and I am so totally lost. I am reading their names, looking at their characters, trying to think—and coming up with absolutely no memory of their character. If they are old character being re-introduced to the book, then maybe you could do a bit more introducing? If they’re completely new characters, then gosh, even though Akia may know who they are, give them to us a little bit slower. Or at least say something along the lines of: there were some familiar faces holding Falyn, two men Akia knew from way back when—yackity yack. You know what I mean. Something along those lines. Just enough so we know that she knows them, but enough so that we can learn about them, too. That was the immediate red flag for me, anyway.
Before he could reach her, she wrapped herself in a shield, a clear, transparent object of magic.
She was sure that she would die; any second her body would just give up trying and fall limp.
Niro didn’t even flinch when the knife lodged itself in the ground.
She planted her feet. “A tornado.” Her hands spun around each other quickly, creating a small rush in the air
Hey! Here to FINALLY start catching up! So mad at myself for taking this long:/ I know I promised the other day, but I totally forgot while getting ready for vacation. Ok, here I go. First off, who is Niro? I don't remember you mentioning him earlier, but I could be wrong since it's been so long. Anyway, I assume he is some sort of mercenary/assassin person? This chapter was interesting, although it didn't give very much infirmation. Actually, it was pretty confusing for me. Oh, I have a question. What are the limits to Akia's powers? Because I don't really remember any. I mean, she seems to be able to create whatever she wants to. Just wondering... I liked the fighting in this chapter though:) I dont really have anything else to say, other than that this was a great chapter! On to the next!
PeanutPhoebe
Heya! I'm here for the r-day review! And because I want to review this, too. xD
So, this was somewhat strange chapter. Interesting pacing and fight, but strange.
First, why didn't you refer to Falyn's fater as Arche before? Akia is now thinking of him as if they already had a great fighting history together. The other guy, he is working for Rhys but is also there with Arche who is some kind of mage-policeman? How would they work together?
Also, how the hell did these two lose so easily? If I'd came hunting after someone who had already beaten me, I would come back more than prepared to assure the outcome is not the same.
I hope there will be more explanation about Niro though. I also really didn't expect him to lose duel with Akia one on one.
"The fire returned to mind..." I know what you meant, but I believe there is better way to depict this. "So she willed the fire bigger, stronger." This was beautifull, though.
Well, fight was nicely explained, there are only two things I don't really understand, firs is already said, why the hell did Arche/Niro lose? Second, I'm not completely sure how Zeke and Falyn broke free.
Well in the end, Falyn and Arche's relationship makes no sense to me. He seemed to care about her. He was the one who raised her, I just don't think she could throw her father away for a group of strangers, even if her crush was among them.
Well, this was overal strange, I expected a run and brawls with Rhys and not this, but well done anyway. I'm rushing to the next ones!
-Alchemist
Hey Noelle!
This 'locket' has been mentioned a fair amount. I'm quite curious to what it is. I have a feeling I probably should know what it is, but I'm terrible with remembering things like that. Anyway, it's interesting... first I thought it was Akia he wanted because she'd turn out to be the real Moonstar, or perhaps it was a revenge thing ( I don't know, my brain is on strike right now ). It makes sense that it's the Locket, whatever it is... I have a hunch that it's Akia. We'll find out, I guess.
Somehow I feel like I've been reading the same chapter. I'm not trying to be mean, or harsh, at all. It's just that lately, these last few chapters have the same feel to them. It's like we keep running into the enemy! I feel like we're not getting anywhere, you know? Falyn and Akia got kidnapped, and then Akia ran into Rhys in the forest, and then here's Archie and the gang. There's just no progress for the poor guys! Maybe I'm just being weird.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling. Keep it up, friend!
Hey Noelle! I don't know if I have told you before but I really enjoy reading this. I won't review this because it is getting kind of late and it is already out of the Green Room, but I will try to review the next one.
All I want to say is GO SAM! and Whew, that was close. Happy writing!!!
Hello.
The first thing I noticed about this work was that it was very segmented. Maybe it's that way because of the word count you've got to meet and the whole structure of it and whatever
Although, it seems very separated. It could be a formatting issue.
It moves fast - so good pacing.
But I didn't really get that much of a feel for the characters. Except Sam.
You also use a lot of "A" character names eg Akia and Archie. Coincidence? or done deliberately? It just seemed like an odd choice.
I liked reading this work, but I didn't really understand the purpose of it. I don't want that to sound mean, but it's more of an exposition than a story. Good focus on characters though.
Definitely literary fiction.
Keep writing.
~R
Hey there Noelle!
Thanks for letting me know when there was another chapter up. It seems like this group never stop running into trouble. I feel like they've been in the woods for a while now, and I am looking forwards to when/if they get to their destination, and whatever their next move is going to be. I am curious to know if they are ever going to get that locket, and manage to save Falyn's life while at it. I know you haven't used Sam's point of view before, if I am not mistaken, but it would be an awesome one to look through right now. I am eager to know what it's like to be him, debating with himself because he might be sending the girl he fancies to her death, but saving what he stands for. And for him, that doesn't look good at all. I could see a lot of inner conflict going on, so maybe this is a point of view to consider?
“Yeah, well, you can’t really retire from being killing people
Niro shook his head. “I know enough about this girl to know that you aren’t her father.” Archie narrowed his eyes.
As time went on, she managed to take shaky breaths.
Akia lunged at him, but Sam grabbed her arms.
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