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Young Writers Society


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Prince of the Moon: "Little Kids, Grumpy Bosses" (Chapter 5; 1.8K)

by zaminami


The boy sat on the bed, waiting for the nurse to come get him to go to his first therapy lesson. The girl named Crystal had gone the hour before with much grumbling about someone named Ciara. Is Ciara the therapist? I’ve never heard of her; I’ll ask Bradley.

The kid swung his legs onto the bedside, possibly liking the thumping noise that it made. The bed shuddered beneath him with every kick, which seriously annoyed the creature underneath it. She didn’t think that this kid was her age. The file that Bradley stole said that the kid was seventeen. Super old.

“Hey, can you stop that?” she asked him, even though she knew that he couldn’t hear her. He was too old, after all.

The boy’s blue eyes widened and he jumped off of the bed, grabbing a book that the nurses left there the night before (“The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”. Apparently, it was for Crystal, but Crystal refused because it was apparently “racist”. The boy, after reading some of it, disagreed). He held it in front of him. “Who are you? How did you get in here?” he called out, speaking fast. His voice, which sounded like someone that Sara saw on a cartoon show, wavered with panic. “Why are you under my bed? Are you Crystal? No, it can’t be,” he mumbled, shaking his head to himself. The red hair that he possessed threw a few hairs away, with a little bit of dandruff. “I would have noticed if she came in.”

“Wait,” the creature said. “You can hear me?”

“Of course,” he said, looking even more paranoid. “Why can’t I?”

Sara crawled out from under the bed. The ginger boy gasped. It was a shadow, with a cross-type thing for a head and white orbs that looked like eyes in the middle and on each of the sides. It had six arms and four legs, ending with sharp-looking things (he remembered looking at a picture that one of the kids drew of a hand with sharp claws. What was what he guessed were supposed to be hands looked like just one gigantic claw). The shadow’s orbs blinked. “I’m Sara,” she said with a high, but heavy voice. Sara tried to extend her claw-like hands, but it blended with the rest of her shadow body and she pulled it back. “I’m sorry. I can’t shake your hand. I don’t think that I can touch you. You’re special, for sure, but-”

The kid put the book down (this girl seems like a child, even if she is a monster, he thought. But she’s also lonely, like me. Maybe she’s a friend. Even if she tries to kill me, she’s not better than most humans.) and grabbed what was supposed to be her wrist and shook it. Sara’s orbs widened. None of the other kids could touch me. Only talk and see. The kid didn’t smile and looked up at her warily, but didn’t attack her like half of the other kids did.

“I’m Thomas,” he said politely, with an untrusting undertone. “Nice to meet you.”

Sara wanted to grin, but couldn't, due to the fact that she was, quite literally, a shadow. A noise emitted out of her that sounded like a sigh. "I-I can't believe that you can do that."

"Do what?" Thomas asked, curious.

"Are you seventeen?" Sara asked. When Thomas nodded, she continued. "Usually, only kids that are under fifteen can see... us. The shadow people that roam the halls. And, even then, none of them can touch us. You're something different." She made a happy gesture with her claws.

"Can Crystal see you?" Thomas asked. But of course that was the first thing that he asked, Sara thought to herself. She is his roommate, after all.

Sara waved her claws in a "no"-like gesture. "Bradley thinks that she can, but I don't think so. It must have been a lucky guess, especially since we've followed her around and have never noticed anything."

"You followed her around?" Thomas asked, taking a step back from Sara. "That's very stalkerish." He shivered, probably from a memory. "You weren't planning to... do anything, right?"

Sara gasped. "Of course not! I would never do that! I'm only-" She stopped. "Actually, I don't know how old I am. Time flies when you're an undead shadow on the walls," she said lightly, as if making it a joke.

But Thomas didn't smile. "I don't get it. I'm sure that you're making a joke," he amended. "But I don't get it."

"Nevermind," Sara said. Suddenly, she had an idea (Thomas had the feeling that she didn’t have much of an attention span). "Do you want to test something? It might be fun!" She sang the last phrase, as if speaking to a child younger than her (and, for the record, Sara sounded a bit like a ten-year-old—both mature and innocent to life).

"Sure," Thomas said. "It will kill my boredom."

Sara 'clapped' her hands. "I'm going to test to see if it's only me, or if you can see other shadow-people." She suddenly raced out of the room, blowing wind in Thomas's seemingly gelled-up hair.

Five minutes later, she came back with another shadow. This time, this one resembled a bit like a warped dinosaur on profile (later, Crystal would draw it like a T-Rex, which Thomas would confirm). He only had one orb on the side of his head where an eyeball would normally be. "This is Bradley. Can you see him?"

Bradley held up two out of five fingers (Phew, this one actually has fingers, Thomas thought. This one won't be nearly as dangerous). "How many fingers am I holding up?" Bradley sounded a bit older than Sara, but not much.

"You're holding up two, but I can't see your other hand since it blends in with the rest of you," Thomas answered. Bradley's "orbs" widened. "Nice." He held up his other hand, which had all five fingers held up. "Usually, the kids don't get that."

"Bradley," Sara gently said, to remind him. "He's seventeen. Of course he's going to get it."

Bradley whirled around, or as close as he could do that action. "Excuse me?" Bradley's voice raised up an octave. "He's seventeen?" Another octave. "Dang, I forgot." The voice dropped down to the original octave.

"Of course. You must have read my file. Otherwise, you wouldn't have known that I was seventeen before," Thomas deducted, inducing a shocked 'face' from Bradley.

"Holy crap, this kid's smart! I like him," he said, making the same arm gesture that Sara did. "He's like that dude that I read about in the library... Sherly Homes?"

"Sherlock Holmes," Thomas automatically said. His eyebrows furrowed. "Hmm..."

"Yeah, that," Bradley confirmed. "Sherlock Holmes."

They stood in awkward silence for a moment, Sara glancing at Thomas and Bradley randomly. Then, suddenly, they burst out laughing, Thomas included. Sara hooked her (hand? Thomas still wasn't sure) around Bradley and pulled him closer to her. "I think that we're going to get along," Sara said.

(Thomas wasn't as sure as that, but he agreed anyway. Of course, these people, or shadows, or whatever they were, might prove useful in the future. However, he shoved those thoughts away, horrified at how much he sounded like Crystal).

Bradley glanced down the hallway and gasped. "She's coming back." He tore himself out of Sara's embrace and bolted out of the room (Speak of the devil, and the devil shall appear). Sara laughed.

"She scared him, and he's been squeamish ever since," she explained, running after him not long after. Thomas smiled after her. Maybe, just maybe, he could have friends that weren’t completely insane.

--

The woman gulped as she faced her boss, who was giving her not the nicest glare in the worlds. “I-I’m sorry! I didn’t guess that he would actually survive! I did many tests and I thought that-”

“I don’t give a flip what you thought,” his boss sneered. Toffee, a brown, anthropomorphic crocodile-like creature, looked at his employee through the Interdimensional Mirror. “But Thomas is alive, well, and can possibly get his memories back.” Toffee pinched his snout with what was left of his remaining hand. “I can work with this. Did he tell you anything?”

“N-no, not directly, but according to my source, he’s smart,” the woman mumbled. “He told my source his name and age, but the source could tell from his face that he knew that my source was trying to pry information from him, so the source asked him directly. However, he didn’t answer th-”

“SILENCE!” Toffee screamed. “I don’t want to hear your pathetic excuses and your jibber-jabber about this ‘source’ of yours! So much of another excuse slips out of your mouth, and I swear to God that I’ll crawl through that mirror and give you an excuse for more plastic surgery!”

The woman nodded fervently but couldn’t help but a thought slip through about wishing that Toffee was as cool and collected as he was before. Now, Toffee was just a raging bottle of fire, intent on destroying anyone who got in his way. Actually, she had the opinion that her boss was quite cliche.

Toffee glared at her like he was staring at the woman’s soul, and she had one terrifying moment when she thought that Toffee had somehow read her mind. Sweat dripped down her face. Even if he’s a cliche, he’s a very scary cliche. However, a clatter off-screen caught Toffee’s attention. “IDIOT!” Toffee screamed, and stomped off. He screamed something at the poor minion that the woman couldn’t make out. Toffee stamped back, face flushed and ready to burst. However, most of his short-lived anger had faded from the other minion, so the woman figured that she was safe.

“Your job is to make sure that he doesn’t leave the asylum. At all. Keep him inside at all times and make sure that he doesn’t escape. Oswald Asylum hasn’t had an escapee in years, I do know, but you need to make sure that he doesn’t escape,” the boss ordered. “Or else everything that we did over the past two years are ruined.”

The woman nodded her head. “Yes, sir.”

“And keep an eye on your ‘source,’ shall you? I wouldn’t like it if he suddenly decided to not help you, even after all you’ve apparently done for him,” Toffee growled. “Don’t screw up, Ciara, or else you’re going to be without a job.”

Ciara understood the threat perfectly. “Yes, sir.”

Toffee whirled around and began stomping off to another room. He waved his hand and the screen began to turn black. “Dismissed.”


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Sun Sep 30, 2018 4:07 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there, here again for this chapter. :)

Woah I didn't realize that Thomas and Chrystal were children themselves? Or at least that's what the beginning sounds like? That's good context to have.

Ha! Again Thomas's moods switch super fast! He always seems to fall in love-befriend everything that is threatening or dangerous to him, even if there is no reason.

For instance when he meets Sara: "(this girl seems like a child, even if she is a monster, he thought. But she’s also lonely, like me. Maybe she’s a friend. Even if she tries to kill me, she’s not better than most humans.) and grabbed what was supposed to be her wrist and shook it." --> The transition from absolute terror, to paranoia, to "maybe she's a friend" goes by so quick! It'd be interesting if you could narrate a bit more what exactly causes him to make that transition.

I'd like a bit more visual description by what you mean by "happy claw gestures" and "no claw gestures". I can't really visualize what in the world that would look like. :)

Another odd deal with Thomas, is that for some things he is totally okay with - even if they're super strange (like Crystal reading minds, or this strange claw girl coming out of his bed) but then other similarly strange things, he can't buy for some reason. "But Thomas didn't smile. "I don't get it. I'm sure that you're making a joke," he amended. "But I don't get it."" --> Why is the part about her being an undead shadow, so much more unbelievable than her being a multi armed claw girl who just came out of his bed? I'm just putting myself in Thomas' shoes and I'd be utterly freaked out. I think a bit more of his internal reasoning might be a good addition in future chapters. Especially if this is like an intentional characteristic of his.

I loved the little Sherly-Jones confusion! And actually I think Sara's character is quite vibrant, she seems really innocent and sort of confused. I think you did a really good job making her a completely contrasting character than the other ones we have so far, and she did seem like a young girl, albeit a bit more mysterious...

I'm having a bit of trouble keeping up with some of the new characters, although you do a fairly good job of characterizing each one as they come in. I'm very curious about this crocodile man and what in the world is going on, and how Crystal and Thomas' stories have merged.

nit-picks

You've got a lot of great descriptions generally, but then there'll be a few details that seem to have no relevance and feel a bit random.

This for instance: "The red hair that he possessed threw a few hairs away, with a little bit of dandruff."

The information in parenthesis is similar: "(he remembered looking at a picture that one of the kids drew of a hand with sharp claws. What was what he guessed were supposed to be hands looked like just one gigantic claw)" it's good to have that background, but is not worth interrupting the action I don't think. This might be a showing rather than telling issue.

It was abit awkward how this information was added in: ""Nevermind," Sara said. Suddenly, she had an idea (Thomas had the feeling that she didn’t have much of an attention span). "
I would really see if you can get away from using the parenthesis for extra information, because it ends up being almost more distracting than just putting it within the sentence. Even italics is preferable I think.

"anthropomorphic crocodile-like creature" <- would love more description on what that means. What makes him crocodile-like? :) Your descriptions of Sara were great, so I hope you get to describe the other mythical/monster beings as well.


Overall, this chapter got a lot of new characters in, and I almost want a character sheet in order to keep everything straight. The second half of the chapter I didn't find to be quite as intriguing, mostly because I don't know what stakes the crocodile guy has, so it's hard to be interested in his concern. I do however really enjoy following along with what Thomas and Crystal are doing, and am curious what there next adventure will bring. -- Knowing Crystal, probably trouble!

~alliyah

Image




alliyah says...


Wait... Are Crystal and Ciara the same person??? o_O



zaminami says...


No lol Ciara is Dalsia's girlfriend from the second (?) chapter



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Sun Sep 30, 2018 3:52 am
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Snazzy wrote a review...



Hello!
Snazzy here for a review! I haven’t read any of your previous chapters, but I’ll give this a go! I actually like the chapter title. I think it’s very fitting. I really love the overall idea of this, and if I wasn’t so bad at reviewing chapters consistently in the same novel I’d probably try and review the rest! Regardless, I hope I find time to at least read the rest, because this is great! :)

”Of course,” he said, looking even more paranoid. “Why can’t I?”


Okay, this is super nit-picky, but I think the “why can’t I” should be “why wouldn’t I”. It’s one of those weird instances like double negatives I think (?).

The bit where the boy is first seeing Sarah and describing her to the readers seems a bit slow and drug out. I think all of those things are important, but I’d suggest laying them out a bit. Maybe like mentioning the orbs after she talks, as if he’s noticing things/certain features become more prominent when she does things. Or adding in action might help? I just feel like I’ve kind of hit the brakes a little too hard there because all of that action and dialogue stopped suddenly.

Usually, only kids that are under fifteen can see... us.


For some reason this sentence bothers me. I think it’s because it’s oddly specific/technical and sounds like this being read out of a book rather than spoken to someone. Maybe use a looser, more general term like “younger children”? I don’t know, it’s probablt just personal preference, but I thought I’d let you know anyway.

The overall character of Thomas somewhat confuses me. I know he’s 17, but soemtimes he’ll say phrases like “stalkerish” and that part about the joke (my favorite part, but the way!) and he seems like a mature young child. But then he’ll throw in the sarcastic teenage voice like “it’ll kill my boredom” and he seems exactly what he is: a teenager. And then when Sara went to go get Bradley and Thomas thinks to himself about Sara being dangerous throws me off too, because right before she left it seemed like Thomas was okay with Sara and didn’t perceive her as an immediate threat. This may just be me, but it I’m having a hard time picturing Thomas because of these things.

Ooh! I’m not sure if the readers knew that the woman talking to Toffee was Crystal (because I haven’t read previous chapters), but this was a nice moment (reveal?) anyway! I love this idea so much, and you’re doing a great job of it so far! Keep up the great work!

-Snazzy




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Sat Sep 29, 2018 5:15 pm
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zaminami says...



@alliyah :D

So uuuuuu Sara is a little kid but idk how to write little kids so she came out older (she's nine, for reference) than she should sound. I'm not happy about this but I hope you like the twist at the end.

Next chapter, there's going to be a super huge monologue with Crystal so bE PREPARED

**scar singing in distance**




alliyah says...


perfect! I was hoping you'd post another chapter before Review Day, also... where did chapter 4 go?



zaminami says...


Oh hecc @KaiRyu I forgot to tag you




The words you speak become the house you live in.
— Hafiz