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seasons (dg's diary)

by zaminami


early spring:
there are quite a few trees, already, sporting buds.
sweet, small, little things,
the breeze whispering into their ears secrets.
secrets of the "dead tree" in the abandoned yard filled with dead grass.
the one that always seems to be dead right before struggling to obtain life.

late spring:
look at all of those trees surrounding the yards,
sprouting green leaves full of chlorophyll --
of light, and love, and beauty.
and then look at the one alone one, not even budding,
as if the branches are dead.

early summer:
the beginnings of buds have begun to burst within the tree,
revealing small thoughts of hope. rare thoughts.
the rays of the sun hits the tree and the dead ground around it,
making the death and decay obvious to the others
and the trees shrink away, protecting their own huge leaves from the smell.

late summer:
by now all of the (albeit small) leaves have grown -- thank god --
but in the summer heat, they have begun to wilt.
they are drooping, down down down
down by the pressure, down by the sun.
and slumped in defeat as they lost their battles.

early fall:
most of the trees still sport all of their leaves
however, the alone one's are now falling with speed.
they litter the ground, sad and alone.
there is chilliness in the air, blowing the leaves to
anonymous places, far away from their old home.

late fall:
even now, some trees still obtain their leaves,
but that one still stands alone with much the appearance of death.
the first frosts have started to grow over it,
but somehow not affecting the other trees,
ice caking the branches and sealing it in its fate.

early winter:
in the chilly winter wind, leaves are blowing all around,
spreading, getting stuck in other branches,
but always avoiding the one that's alone.
that one doesn't blow leaves around. instead, it stays empty.
covered in frost, blown by the wind and jostled instead of staying still.

late winter:
snow covers all of the trees, providing a cover for the dead one.
it hides the rotting bark, the barely surviving branches,
the empty trunk filled with dead bugs that were eating it inside out.
the branches sag from the weight of the feather-like snow.
while it never knows if the next year it’ll live.


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Sat Dec 30, 2017 7:30 pm
TheBlueCat wrote a review...



Hullo DG! Cat here to review this lovely poem in the spirit of review day! :D I'm going to try a different style of reviewing, so I hope this still helps!

I really love your imagery and the way you tell this story. Some of my favorite lines were "sprouting green leaves full of chlorophyll" and "while it never knows if the next year it’ll live."

Now I do have a few suggestions for you. Starting with the 'early spring' section, over on this line; "there are quite a few trees, already, sporting buds." I don't think that any of the commas are necessary. Here; "sweet, small, little things," I'm not sure if the comma after small is needed, but I could very well be wrong here. Moving along; "the breeze whispering into their ears secrets." is a bit confusing on how you formatted the line. I would go for "the breeze whispering secrets in their ears." or something similar so I know for sure what you are trying to say here.
Moving on to 'late spring', this line; "of light, and love, and beauty." is to remove the 'and' before love because that was how I naturally read it. Also; "and then look at the one alone one, not even budding," in this one you need to take out one of the 'one's and either have 'the alone one' or 'the one alone' as I feel that having both is a bit confusing.
Onto 'late fall' as I have no suggestions for the other sections; here "even now, some trees still obtain their leaves," I feel that 'obtain' is not the word you were looking for. According to Google, 'obtain' means "get, acquire, or secure (something)" which does't feel like it fits here. I would go for 'keep' or a synonym for that.
My last suggestion is for 'early winter'. Here; "spreading, getting stuck in other branches," I would either switch the first comma for a semi-colon or for 'and'.
To finish this off, I just want to say that this is all my suggestions to improve this and that you don't have to change your poem if you don't feel the need to.

Well, great job! Keep writing! :D




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Sat Dec 30, 2017 2:42 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi DG! Happy Review Day! Glad to see one of your poems around here again -- so on to the review.


I enjoy the format of this piece with the moving of seasons - and there's a bit a of progression throughout as we go throughout the poems. I am guessing this poem isn't just about a tree... but is a metaphor for a person's life? I wonder if that could be a bit more hinted to in the piece if it is supposed to be a metaphor.


I liked some of your unique descriptions in the piece and I would say to really try to highlight those and even maybe take out some of the more generic descriptions.

This descriptions I had difficulty picturing in my head: "secrets of the "dead tree" in the abandoned yard filled with dead grass.
the one that always seems to be dead right before struggling to obtain life."

The grass within the tree is a bit odd for me, but I guess it could happen?

I thought the late summer and late fall stanzas were the most poignant along with the last two winter stanzas -- in these the poem ceased to just be a generic tree description but there seemed to be a lot of emotion along with the beautiful imagery.

A last little critique is if you're going to do some of those crazy formatting choices like the double dashes, cross out, or the parenthetical aside (stanza 4) try to use them more than once so that it's not so out there and alone. It felt like there was quite a bit of that near the beginning of the poem and then not at all towards the end. Doing those techniques at least twice makes it seem more intentional and less out of place overall.

I did like how the tone sort of fluctuated between a speaker who seemed very invested in the trees and then sometimes seeming more scientific like field notes. I would love a bit more of the speaker within the poem in how they are connected to observing this tree. While not all poem's benefit from an "I" voice, I do think that would add something sort of intriguing to this one especially based on the title and the understanding that this is some sort of diary/personal expression.

Overall I like what you're doing here. There are some beautiful thoughts, and I found myself rooting for this rotting tree by the end.
These lines were especially memorable: (and in my opinion an example of repetition done well.)
"but in the summer heat, they have begun to wilt.
they are drooping, down down down
down by the pressure, down by the sun.
and slumped in defeat as they lost their battles."


Thanks for posting DG, and never stop writing! Please let me know if you have any questions about my review.

~alliyah




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Mon Dec 11, 2017 10:11 pm
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DeerInBacPac says...



YES YES





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