if only i could rise like bubbles in soda;
if my body could prevent that sweet red liquid from pouring out of me
if my mind could keep itself from being swallowed by them
if the empty thing i call a soul improves itself from its glass shell.
---
if my soul could melt away the prominent ice cubes
if the heart i hold won't become flat
if i could become more solid than the manipulated liquid that i am
if i would be able to stop being carried around by people who want to use me...
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please let me spill all over their perfect white carpet
please let me unstick from peoples' shoed feet
please let me run across the cracks on the floor
please let my bubbles disappear forever.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hey, DemonGoddess! Storm here for a review, so let's jump right into it.
The first thing I noticed was your repetition. I can see how you'd want to play around with that, but I have to say that it isn't doing much for me. I think mixing it up would add interest to the poem without taking away the punch to the gut I think you're looking for.
Who or what is 'them'? The bubbles? If so, that doesn't seem to make sense.
I don't think 'improves' is the best way to word what you're trying to say. In fact, I think this line could stand to be reworded.
I feel like you thought you needed to add another, more complex, word here, so you just stuck in 'prominent' as an adjective. I think this line suffers from the addition.
I like the sentiment of this line, but I think you need to reword it. It's a little clunky.
You're contradicting yourself a little bit here because you did mention "if the heart i hold won't become flat".
Overall, I think that this poem has a ton of potential (like all the potential) but your execution was lacking, so it was a bit of a disappointment. I think you could benefit from picking apart most of your lines and seeing how they can be reworded while still keeping the meaning. Not all of the alternatives would be improvements, but I think it would get you thinking about the flow and style of this piece.\
~Storm
thanks
all of the lines were metaphors relating to soda, if you didn't notice lol
I noticed lol
This part of your poem really made my shiver from the feelings and emotions. I love when poetry makes you physically react! This was just beautifully written. Your writing style is very unique and I can't wait to read more of what you write!
Thank you!
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.
*Sees poem and holds back urge to flip a table because they know where this is all going. And is excited to read it.*
*Grim looks over at the screen and inches closer, happy to read another poem.*
So, first thing I notice is that well, nothing! I did not notice anything wrong and i am taking the no commas and thing alike a style choice.
Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that you wish you could push the thoughts away. The ones that plague you day in and day out. Wish you could just fly away from your problems, that you could feel more then numbness in you heart, that you soul would not feel empty. You want to tell others about what is wrong, to show them your troubles and thoughts, to let you finally be free of what plagues you.
Overall, I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
SOULSSSSSS
*gives soul*
*Grim looks over then goes back to his book*
He doesn't have a soul.
oh lol
@Flumadiddle
Thank you!
yo welcome