Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Beginning of the End

The little boy could hear furious roaring in the distance.

His small, bare feet pounded against the lamplit pavement. The slapping noises echoed from the houses, ringing in his ears and certainly notifying the monster that was chasing him where he was. His huffing and puffing sounded loud to him as well, and his heart pounded in his ears like drums in an African village. He looked up, looking for the thing. All he could see was black and the occasional stalactite lit up by the bright streetlights. Where did he go?

He gritted his teeth and kept on running, ignoring the pain in his side and the fact that he wasn’t the most athletic six-year old in the world. The only way to survive was to run; it didn’t matter that he was acting like a crazed animal. In this situation, he was the prey and the monster was the predator.

His survival instincts forced him to sprint faster as the roar sounded, his desperate breaths breathing even more sharply than before. In the attempt to sprint even faster, however, he tripped and fell over his blue pinstriped pajamas, smacking his head on the cement sidewalk with a loud thunk. He smelled blood and felt something wet on his face where it didn’t hurt and knew that he had scraped his face really badly. He struggled to get up and gasped when he saw all of the blood on the path. Whipping his head to look behind him, he saw something huge flying its way towards him. The boy uttered a word that his mother would never allow him to say and started to run again. But it was too late. The demon had already caught up to him enough to grab the little boy around the waist with his huge, purple claws and lift him up kicking and screaming.

The boy’s cries were not heard. Or ignored by the residents of the small demonic neighborhood that he was currently being kidnapped from.

The human child punched the scaled claws squeezing his midsection, but to no avail. He was helpless. Giving up, he fell limp in the beast’s hand with defeat. The thing smirked an ugly smile, spread its wings, and flew into the blackened night shadowed by cave.

--

They landed in front of an elaborate palace. It was made of a strange, purple rock and it was filled with spirals reaching up towards the cave ceiling. There were also solid-looking, menacing walls, fire towers, and guard turrets. Some black glass that lined the windows added a sort of delicateness to it, but the boy still wanted to look away from it, foreboding as it was. The purplish demon tapped his foot impatiently while waiting for the guards to open the solid, steel gates in front of the demon and the boy. When the gate finally opened, the demon breathed something in his language and shuffled into the castle with the child.

The boy gaped at the surroundings as the demon walked across the courtyard. He never expected this in this underground prison. Lavish gardens - though full of strange plants - filled the entire area. One plant had several pink flowers situated like a hyacinth, except that they were more... droopy, was how the boy would describe it. Another one was bright red with a yellow stamen in the middle that kind of looked like a leaf. Yet another one was a pink one that the boy has seen many a time before, but he couldn’t place it. He knew that he had seen it at seasonal times, however, he couldn’t quite get the name. It was on the tip of his tongue, he knew it-

He jolted out of his thoughts. There were more pressing matters at hand than what the pinkish flowers were.

The demon carried him inside, swinging open a large set of dark, wooden double doors with what looked to be solid gold handles. It revealed a decorated throne room. It had a large golden and red carpet unrolled to an ornamented golden throne that was sat upon by yet another...

Demon?

The human boy didn’t know whether he was a demon or not. Instead of the leathery bat wings that demons normally have, as he had seen during his time here in the Underworld, this demon-thing had black, bird-like wings instead. He had the traditional reddish skin and ivory ram horns, however. He radiated authority and he tapped his black-colored claws against the side of the throne, making a clack clack clack noise.

The man-demon-thing smiled, revealing a set of sword-sharp teeth. The boy quaked underneath the malicious-looking smile. He could feel himself falling into that sharp mouth already, being crunched by those hard jaws with a quick snap.

“Hello, Asmodeus,” the demon-thing said. “It is I, your father.

It smiled even wider. “Lucifer.”

-- 8 hours earlier --

Thomas “Tom” Wellridge stood outside of the junior school, waiting for his mother to pick him up from Year 2.

“Hey, Tom?” his friend Edward called out. “What’s going on? You seem sad.”

“I’m not sad, I’m just worried that Mum forgot me,” Tom answered.

“Again?”

“Yes, again.”

Tom smiled sadly. His mother had forgotten him at least four times that year already. I mean, he understood that his father died that summer in a hunting accident and that it was sad and all, but Tom had gotten over it. His mother should too. It was October, for God’s sake! She shouldn’t have forgotten him this many times already in the year.

Edward frowned. “That’s horrible.”

Tom nodded. “I know.”

They sat in awkward silence until Edward’s mother pulled up to the quaint little lobby. Edward shrugged at Tom, mouthing ‘sorry’ as he climbed into the Nissan his mother owned. The boy waved as he drove away.

Tom slumped in his seat with a sigh. He didn’t have a phone like all of the other girls in his grade seemed to have, and there was no way he could walk home. He should have just gone with Edward’s mother or something. There was no way that there was anyone else in the school at that time, except for the teachers, but teachers live in school.

Don’t they?

Tom went over the facts in his head. Teachers teach at school, but that doesn’t mean that they work there, he reasoned. His mother worked at a bowling alley but she didn’t live there. They were always there in the morning as he walked in, but that could mean they get up really early, like at 6:00. His mum got up really early and made him breakfast and stuff and left him to get ready on his own all the time. Do teachers do that too, for their kids? Tom assumed that it was perfectly normal to do that - since his mother did it, obviously it must be normal - so that definitely wasn’t out of the question.

His thoughts were interrupted by a gleaming white Ford pulling up in front of him. Inside of said Ford was his mother in all of her glory, with her dark brown hair tied in a bun that clashed slightly with her bowling alley clerk uniform that she wore constantly. She looked over at her son with an apology written all over her blue eyes. Her red lipstick-covered mouth opened up to apologize but Tom put a hand up, meaning “save it.” He was tired of apologies from his mother.

Susanne obviously was very hurt and directed her gaze back to the road, ignoring her son. Tom climbed into the passenger seat illegally to see if she was just pretending to not pay attention. She wasn’t.

“Why are you so angry all the time?” she asked hoarsely as they sat at a red light. “This is the third time this month you’ve given me the hand.” She turned towards him. “Where did you even learn that from? You’re only six, for goodness sakes!”

Tom shrugged. “You taught it to me. You would do that all the time,” he answered simply. “And I’m not angry. I never am.” He stopped himself before he could say that he was never happy, or sad, or anything like that either. His mother didn’t need to know that. “I’m a happy child,” he lied. He mentally slapped himself for almost giving his secret away.

He could see his mother visibly relax as the light turned green and she pressed the gas pedal, driving towards the place they called home. “Good. I’m just... worried for your well being, you know?” Tom knew, in reality, that his mother was probably worried for him anyway, but he didn’t go on about it.

Tom nodded, staring out the window. He was pretty bored, and he had put all of his books and stuff out in the backseat, which meant he couldn’t get anything to do. The only thing was to talk to his mother, and he was too shaken about what he had almost revealed to do that anyway. Guess it was staring out the window then.

Susanne leaned over and pressed a button to turn the radio on. Kidzbop - ugh - played some song that Tom didn’t know but his mother obviously did. She sang along to the lyrics happily.

Oh, halfway there.

Oh, livin’ on a prayer!

Take my hand, and we’ll make it I swear.

Tom was really confused. How can you live on a prayer? Prayers were just words, weren’t they? It wasn’t like there was anyone up in heaven to listen and hear it. There was no such thing as God; scientific reason prevented that from being possible.

Susanne finished singing along to the song and smiled at her son, the happiest that she had been in days. Tom just glanced at her. He honestly didn’t care how happy she was. Whatever happy felt like, anyway.

They pulled up to a quaint little home with a large flower garden in the front, red brick siding, and a small porch tucked in between of the garage and the main door. Mother and son pulled open the doors of the car, crossed the sidewalk, and walked into the house through the small porch door.

Their dog - a brown mutt with a torn ear - jumped onto them and almost knocked Tom onto the floor. Susanne stopped and scolded the dog for jumping while Tom entered the kitchen.

The kitchen had blue and off-white tile, grey-blue walls, and varnished, mahogany cabinets. An island stood in the middle with a blue marble countertop like an ocean on a clear day. There were pictures of sailboats, seashells, and various beach oddities hung on the walls. It looked to be a kitchen out of a magazine - due to Tom’s mother working only a part-time job - at least, until Tom dumped his bag onto the kitchen table. Then it didn’t look so much like that.

He opened the white fridge to get something to eat, but he couldn’t find anything except leftovers and sandwich materials. He sighed with defeat - looks like his mother hasn’t gone to the store again - and closed the fridge again.

Susanne winced when she saw Tom’s face, like he was disappointed in her. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I will go to the store tonight.”

That’s what you said yesterday, a little voice in Tom’s mind pointed out.

Tom sighed and rolled his eyes, acting disappointed, when in reality he didn’t feel anything at all. No food in the fridge? Same old, same old. Just stop lying about getting more when you won’t.

“Do you have any hom-” his mother started to say.

Tom shook his head before she could finish and stomped up to his room, pretending to throw a fit so his mother would think that he was normal. He slammed the door and allowed himself to shudder at the thought. Normal? Ugh. What a horrible thing to be.

He looked at the mirror across from his white door and a short boy looked back at him with striking multicolored eyes. One black and one blue. Tom bit his lip and rubbed his head to make his brown hair messy, grinning at the look and revealing one missing tooth to the reflection, who revealed it back to him in turn. A gray cat slinked behind him, trying to avoid the boy that didn’t exactly smell right.

For most of the afternoon, Tom read the book “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.” He couldn’t wait when he could show it to the other kids in school and rub it in their faces that he could read a preteen book and they couldn’t. He also was enjoying it so far. He was near the end when he decided to stop. He enjoyed to torture himself like this; him stopping reading a book right before something really climatic. He liked to theorize about what would happen.

Tom was really tired and didn’t feel hungry, so he decided to put on his pajamas ahead of time. This wouldn’t be the first time that month he had skipped dinner. He usually was fine the next day.

He picked out his favorite blue pinstriped pajamas and slipped them on himself, removing his other clothes of course. Tom picked the stripped clothing off of the black-and-white carpeted floor and threw them into a blue laundry basket, being the neat little boy he was. He walked over to his oaken desk and turned on the nightlight that was on it. He couldn’t - wouldn’t? - sleep without it.

He thumped his bare feet over the carpet and pretty much dove into bed when he realized that he had forgotten to turn off the main light on the ceiling fan in his room. He groaned and rolled out of the black duvet and blue sheets and walked across the room to turn off the light. Once that task was done, he settled underneath the covers for a deep sleep.

--

He was awoken by a blinding white light shining right in front of his face. He groggily opened his eyes and shut them again, muttering “five more minutes.” He didn’t want to go to school that day.

Wait, isn’t it Saturday?

At this thought, Tom’s eyes flew open and was immediately blinded by something white. He hissed a little bit; an inhuman sound. When his eyes got used to the light, he noticed something strange.

There was a light. Floating. Above the floor right beside his bed.

How was this possible? Tom racked possibilities in his head and couldn’t find anything. What? How? Huh? This wasn’t possible! Lights couldn’t float! They had to be attached to something, and Tom could plainly see that there was no string hanging above the light. Besides, his mother wasn’t the type of person to do this. He had no prankster siblings either, so what could it be? Edward? Edward was most likely asleep.

And then it began to speak, confusing poor Thomas even more.

Another ball of light floated from behind the other and bobbed in the air like a nod. “Yes.” The other voice was equally tiny.

“Are you sure? If we're wrong, you-know-who will kill us.”

“Oh please, I’m not scared of him. Besides, he's not going to care. If it's human after all, we can just feed it to the hounds.”

“That is true.”

What is a fallen angel? Tom wondered. I know that an angel is something out of the Bible, but I don’t believe in God so I’ve never read the Bible. Just a waste of time. And what are these hounds that they are talking about? Are they wolves? Dogs?

“Should we just take him?”

“Yes.”

The lights started to spin around Tom, who was paralyzed underneath the suffocating black duvet. Light filled Tom’s vision and that’s all he knew before everything went black.

--

He was in a prison, he knew.

It was pretty obvious from the forcefield that would zap him whenever he would get close to it and by the sharp purple rocks lining the walls. The only at least slightly comforting thing was the hard - Tom guessed cement - floor. Tom lay there, away from anything. He has just woken up in the middle of the room with no idea how he got here. He guessed that it had been only a few minutes since he had arrived, but it had felt like hours with nothing to do.

Tom stared at the ceiling. There was one thing to do, and it was to think about conspiracy theories, one of his favorite activities. Did the astronauts really land on the moon? Are the governments of the world hiding evidence of aliens? Does Illuminati exist? Was Kennedy really shot by something human? His brain jumped from theory to theory in an attempt to find something to do.

Out of the corner of his eye, Tom saw the forcefield go out. He got up, confused, and realized that there were no guards. He had no idea how or why the forcefield had gone out, but he knew he had to take his chance to escape. He ran as fast as he could carry himself out of the prison when he heard stomping.

He looked back and to his terror he saw a purple thing with large ram horns on his head, sharp teeth, huge wings, and feet like hind dragon legs. Tom gulped and ran. The demon made a screeching noise that dropped a few rocks and ran after Tom. Tom skidded and turned a corner, diving into a small nick of a rock as the demon ran by. It hadn’t seen him. Tom sighed with relief, a little too loudly. He heard the demon stop and turn around, footsteps getting closer. Tom scrabbled backwards and, to his surprise, there was no wall behind him.

He turned around. It looked to be a hidey hole for small humans like him. He forced himself to remain calm and crawled through as fast as he could, scrambling just in time as one of the demon’s claws slashed where he was earlier. Tom gasped and looked back and he saw a giant black fingernail inches from his feet. Growing even more frightened now, Tom looked forward and crawled even faster. The demon retracted the finger and stomped away, probably to figure out where the niche ended.

The thought to stay where it was safe - in the niche - occurred to Tom, but he dismissed that thought early. No, that wasn’t possible. He would starve to death or something. Besides, how did he know what types of technology that monster had? They could have robots, or small death machines or something. Maybe even those hounds that the lights talked about.

Tom decided to keep going. He crawled for the longest time until he saw a golden light. Was it heaven? Tom decided not; there was no way that there was a heaven. It didn’t exist.

Tom crawled out of the hole and popped up in a hole inside of a rock in an ordinary-suburb, which would have been normal if it weren’t for ugly demons crawling all over it. They got in cars, flew around, greeted each other like neighbors. There were even some demonic children playing ball in what looked like a park, complete with a sort of playground.

Tom snuck out of the rock and snuck into the town, making careful to stay in the shadows where the demons couldn’t see him. He saw a puddle and jumped into it, masking his scent, and made sure to not scrape himself or do anything that would lead the things to him.

He couldn’t find a way out, but he assumed that that castle up ahead would be a great place to go to for help. He started making his way over, but as soon as he saw the other demons scattering and heard a furious roar, he knew that he was in trouble.

--

This was how he was in this predicament now.

“Who is Asthmodis?” Tom asked with difficulty.

“Asmodeus,” Lucifer corrected with amusement. “Do you not remember anything? Interesting how the mortality spell messes up a demon’s brain.”

“Who are you? What are you? Where am I?”

“I am Lucifer. The King of Demons, and your father. You are in your home, little Asmodeus.”

“You’re not my father! Luke Wellridge was my father!”

“Luke Wellridge was but a pawn.”

“A pawn? What does that mean?”

“He was a toy. Something for me to use. You see, Asmodeus, you are the reincarnated version of my son.”

Tom gasped. “What does reincarnated mean?”

“It means you were brought back from the dead, Asmodeus.”

-- 20 years later --

The man dashed across the yard, careful not to be seen. Using a pentagram, he created a hole in the fence gate. Dissipating magic was useful, he decided. Especially for his first mission.

He slipped through the hole, making his slim, feminine-shaped body and shortness useful for once. He reminisced on school and the boys making fun of him for “looking like a girl” or “looking like a gay.” The man winced. What is wrong with being gay?

Focus. You can't think about that now.

He crossed the yard, bending shadows around himself to hide the ram horns sprouting over the top of his spiky brown hair. Well, to hide him in general. He did not want the mistress of the house to see him. She would think that he was breaking in. How silly! He wasn’t breaking in!

He was just letting himself into the house, you know? That’s not a crime, especially when you were from a place where it was legal to let yourself into places. He didn’t know the laws here, not anymore, at least.

The man burned through the back doorknob with another pentagram, using yet another dissipating spell. He grasped the hole that was created in the door and opened the door with no difficulty.

The next door was unlocked. He didn’t need to use a spell, that much was obvious. Even though the man was chock-full of magic, he didn’t want to use it over and over again as magic usually tired him out; the mission depended on him to not be tired.

He shadow-walked upstairs - or turned into literal shadow and walked along the walls - to make sure that nothing would be able to smell or hear him, like a dog. He wondered if that old dog, Scooby, was still alive. Probably. That dog could survive anything. Even if Scooby wasn’t, he should do it anyway. If he remembered correctly, the woman who lived here used to be a cat fanatic. She might have taken that habit up again after the death of the man and the disappearance of the boy of the house.

HIs theory was proven correct when a white cat with a pink collar sauntered past him with its tail up in the air. Acting like they own everything. Stupid animal. The man kept shadow-walking, all the way to the top floor where he sensed the woman after reaching the eighth step from the bottom. Her and three other beings, which he thought were cats. Looks like Scooby wasn’t alive anymore. That’s too bad.

He stood outside of her door, debating how to come in. Knowing the woman, she would leave her door locked, as she had been paranoid ever since her son disappeared. Should he just unlock it? No, she'd hear the noise. Should he disintegrate it? No, that was too obviousand he wanted to use a new trick. Should he try the doorknob like an ordinary human being? He wasn’t sure. The last time that he had been in this house was quite a little while ago, but he remembered that his mother put a piece of white tape on the doorknob to see if it would turn or not. Crazy woman.

Besides, he most certainly wasn’t human.

He sighed. Screw it. He was going in with a bang.

He summoned two small fireballs and shot them at the door. Combined with the explosive pentagrams that he had also summoned, it blew the door open. It rained splintered wood all over the brown carpet and the woman screamed.

The man stepped inside of the room and smiled at the cowering woman evilly. His one blue and one black eye flashed with malice. Finally; my first mortal kill.

The woman gasped, recognizing those eyes immediately right before the man lunged at her. He spread his dark purple wings and revealing his sharp teeth, a black fluid dripping out of his mouth as she shouted something before he ripped into her flesh with his sharp black claws.

“Thomas, is that you?”

--

A/N: This is a project due on Monday. PLEASE REVIEW! I want longer reviews, not really short ones that don't help at all. Look at DP's. That's the perfect example --

Kara.

Comments & reviews · 4
Attention: You have a saved draft of a comment to this work. Click here to load it.
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Ok so I saw this in the short story section and knew I wanted to review it, after seeing your comment at the bottom of the page I've decided to take it up as if it was a project

Hopefully it will be long enough for you ------>

Hello Kara,

I'm here to give my longest review on your short story entitled 'The beginning of the end'

I want to say first of all that I think DP covered alot of important aspects and I want to be original in mine. I'm gonna recommend alot of subtle changes you could make, but I don't want you to implement all of them because alot of them probably won't help you, being as literature is a very opinionated thing. But I've tried to be more literal in my review and hopefully you will enjoy it - it's gonna take up quite a bit of my time, like it did for you to write this.As a side note: I wrote all of my review on notepad so I could read through the piece of work at the same time as making notes, instead of scrolling up again to see what you put. Unfortunately notepad doesn't have a spell checking feature so in the rare case that I do misspell a word, I hope you can understand, being under time conditions after sending you that PM.

Without further a do, let's get straight into it!

First of all I'm going to start off my scanning most of the piece as it comes, recommending anything I would personally change in chronological order.

'The little boy'
Although little isn't necessary, it sounds better with the adjective

'furious roaring'
Replace furious with something else, I recommend an abstract adjective if you can think of one, or even better, another word for loud such as 'clamorous' or even 'incessant',being as you mention later on that it continues.I think this because the words 'furious roaring' are a bit cliche for me, like their a generic married couple that were meant for each other with a boring sound to it.

'His small, bare feet pounded against the lamplit pavement.'
First of all because of his size and age I doubt that his bare feet would pound against the pavement. I know the distinct sound of when a child runs along the roadside with no shoes or socks on and the sound is best described as a 'patting' or faint 'slapping' sound. So in your context you could use the word 'pattered', I like this because it also goes well with the innocence that the boy is assumed to have at this stage, especially as he's getting chased by a 'monster' so it gives a childhood vibe to it.I would also change the word 'Pounded' because you use the word to describe his heart beat later on and I'm not a fan of repetitive vocabulary - especially this close.

'like drums in an African village.'
I don't particularly like the simile you used here and think you would be better off putting 'in his ears like African drums' and get rid of the village part.The reason for this is because the village part kind of takes away the peril that the child is experiencing at this part in the story and I don't want to be picturing some African village because you said so in a simile.Sometimes the use of literal culture can ruin the subtlety you need to successfully pull off have similes in your writing

'stalactite lit up by the bright streetlights.'
This is just plain nit picky but reading this aloud you can spot that the words may be viewed as quite similar in how they sound. I know alot of readers who would hate something like this and I have to say, sometimes you won't get away with it.The sounds 'ight' (pronounced eye - t) are very dominant in this particular sentence - 'bright' 'light' tite'. But in a way I kind of like this as well because if you really read between the lines and start inferring on the most random things, the other words that come to mind that have that ending 'ight' sound would be 'fright and 'night' - both can be perceived as negative to a child. But you probably didn't mean to do that - it's only that the sounds themselves have quite a strong sound to them when you read them aloud so they will definitely stand out

'he wasn’t the most athletic six-year old in the world.'
I doubt at six years old that this kids would be thinking about not being 'athletic' when one of his 'potential' childhood nightmares is chasing him! He's a kid after all and isn't going to be bothered about his athletic capability, but more concentrated on how scared he is and how dedicated he is to getting away from the threat.I think it doesn't work that you've said that he's thinking that, if it was the reader who had the insight on the obvious, then it would be different.

'sprint faster repeated again'
In the same paragraph you say the exact same words and I definitely think you can vary it a little.With a good use of plosive sounds at the start (D,B,B,B breathing bit) you can really draw the reader in, otherwise they will be able to pick up on the lack of variety.

'He smelled blood'
With all that has just happened would the first reaction/recognition be to the smell of blood? Although the scent is quite recognisable, remember this boy is still little and if I had smacked or fell on any of my parts when I was younger,let alone HEAD, the first thing I would do is ball with tears and probably scream with agony.

'uttered a word that his mother would never allow him to say'
Throughout the review I know I have mentioned the realistic point of view quite alot and in some circumstances, that isn't always necessary and often realistic reactions can prove to be quite boring in stories.This sentence definitely takes away from the action and i'm not sure if I like it or not.I don't think it's needed personally and often curiosity can get the reader thinking about something completely off-topic.

'the demon'
Ok so now we have some more identification of the 'bad guy' (not necessarily antagonist) of this story. Fist of all he was a monster, then a thing and now a demon - is that from the boys point of view or not? If so, I don't think he would know the difference,especially at 6. But what do I know - after all, you are DemonGoddess so I guess you're a bit of an expert (:

'kicking and screaming'
There should be a comma before kicking as it's the boy that's doing it.

'small demonic neighbourhood'
Demonic neighborhood? I get that at this point this being all a dream is pretty obvious but why is the neighbourhood demonic? The only thing that resembles a threat at the minute is this demon, but why would it be the neighbourhood's fault if he was being kidnapped?

'the human child'
You don't need to mention he's human.

'scaled claws squeezing his midsection'
A comma should come after claws.

'The thing'
We are now back to thing. I guess you're referring to the monster as different 'things' for variety, but when the two main characters are pretty much the antithesis of each other, we can tell when you are describing the 'things' action or body.

'Some black glass'
Get rid of casual words like some that start the sentence.Personally I think sentence openers are important in literature and so far you haven't been that expansive, but using 'some' makes it unprofessional.

'in front of the demon and the boy'
Repeating the word demon too soon for it to seem varied. It's because of my reading pace that I notice this so, but I think you should replace the word 'demon' with a pronoun.Although you haven't established if the creature is a male or female, it's better than referring to him as an 'it' in this instance because it doesn't work.

'a sort of delicateness to it'
Get rid of sort, get's rid of the chatty vibe that i'm getting at the minute.

'this in this underground prison'
It sounds better when you say 'this in an underground prison'.

'he knew it-'
Kids are generally known to not pay attention to important or realistic situations, so I don't think he would suddenly jolt out of those thoughts. The fact that the boy is now describing flowers suggest he's already accepted his fate, or given up on getting out of there - it's a monster!

'large golden and red'
Unless you're trying to emphasise on the word 'gold' here by saying how lavish the place is, I would recommend getting rid of golden and leaving it as just red.

'Demon?'
Which one is it!! At the start the reader is informed that it's a monster but know the kid can identify this creature as a possible demon? I've already said this though.

'human boy'
I understand that you're trying to establish the mortality of the protagonist against these other fictional creatures, but I still think it would sound better if you just said boy - although it does add a sense of vulnerability to his situation.

'man-demon thing'
Don't like this phrase.You could put the word 'demon' in italics as it has been used to show uncertainty in a character's assumptions in books.

'demon-thing said'
I like this better.

'Thomas Tom Wellridge'
You don't need to say both Thomas or Tom because no one I know is referred to as their nickname and proper name in identification. Pretty much all Thomas named individuals have the nickname 'Tom'.

'That's horrible'
I know this is very nit picky but I don't think this is a normal response to a mum who is either late or forgetful in picking her son up.

'They sat in awkward silence'
Unless the kid is generally an awkward person, why would two friends sit there and not talk like it wasn't a natural thing for a mum to be forgetful sometimes.

'quaint little lobby'
I think 'pulled up to the lobby' is better, sometimes you don't need to describe everything, despite my recommendations to always think of the amount of vocab and imagery in a short story.

'girls in his grade'
What about the boys? Boys are just as likely to have phones.

'Don't they?'
I can't tell if this is a genuine thought from this kid or sarcasm.

',for their kids?'
No need for the comma here.

'Inside of said Ford'
Using 'the' would be better sounding than 'said'.Sometimes people add different ways of saying something like this to vary it, but it messes with the style of the story for me personally.

'illegally'
You don't need to mention that.

'He mentally slapped himself'
Why is he not happy then. Is it because he's having constant 'dreams' about this monster; you can also tell that the mum has some serious issues, probably caused from bereavement' if she's getting told off my her 6 year old son.

'almost revealed'
What did he reveal? Even if he told her directly about the monsters his mother wouldn't believe him so why is he so shaken up.

'Kidzbop'
How is Kidzbop related to Bon Jovi, you never mentioned her changing the station.

'scientific reason'
I doubt he's been taught that at 6.

'smiled at her son'
It didn't take her long to get over the grilling that her son had just given her for being late; I guess the song has a meaning to her of some sort for her mood to change that fast.

'quaint'
You like using the word quaint alot don't you. Try to minimalise it because of it being such a stand out word.

'in between of the garage'
That doesn't make sense - should be in between the garage...

'off-white tile' Tile should be pluralised. (s)

'Then it didn't look so much like that'
I would get rid of this extra reason completely. The conjunction 'until' already suggests that the 'beach' scene kitchen that you've just described has been ruined by the sudden placement of the bag.

'white fridge'
Getting rid of fridge would sound better, the adjectives seem forced in this short story.

'store again - and close the fridge again'
Repetition of 'again' too close to sound different. Get rid of again at the end of fridge.

'What a horrible thing to be'
Yeh this family has some problems.

'Philosopher's Stone'
Suggests that the story most likely takes place in the UK. I'm unaware of your nationality but I hope you've done your research, if you live elsewhere, on the equivalents.

'him stopping reading'
It would be better if you said after the semi colon ---> ;to stop reading a book right before..... instead.

'wouldn't?'
Why does wouldn't have a question mark if he's sure of not sleeping without it.

'the next paragraph'
This is just acting as a paragraph filler and I think it's unnecessary to describe him getting out of bed to switch off the main light; we already get that this guy is conscientious.

'white'
Alot of things in this short story are described as white, try to vary it.

'the only at least slightly comforting thing was the hard - Tom guessed cement - floor'
This sentence is too laboured and the first time reading it confused me so.Word it differently.

(the only comforting thing was the hard floor that Tom guessed to be cement)

'conspiracy theories - Kennedy, Illuminati'
No this is very uncommon for a kid to know about, I know the kid appears to be smart and 'different' but I don't feel the need to bring in cultural aspects to what should be a tense situation.I know it's probably a distraction but even so.

'go out' (too casual and boring)
Better words to use ----> disband,disperse,disintegrate,evanesce,etc

'had gone out'
You can say it here though.

'He ran as fast as he could carry himself out of the prison'
That makes no sense. Come back and check this particular sentence. I think you meant to add 'to'.

Ok I think i'm going to stop there because it's clear to me what else I can write about this piece in the form of a review - I don't need to keep critisisng all the bits I would personally change.Now for the next part of the review i'm going to explain what I liked and what I thought could be better.

Th random adjectives on words is an obvious force, used to make the reader feel more interested, but instead it's clearly amateur and something were told not to do at a young age in literature - don't describe everything but more importantly make it feel natural and flowing, rather than it being there to tick a couple of boxes.As far as description goes, I think this piece could use an entire makeover.Unless you have specifically used normality to seem more childlike that fits with the character, I think better vocabulary is something you need to work on.It's not that I doubt that you have an expansive dictionary you can choose from and I know that some writers hate being pretentious with their writing, but I know from reading some of your reviews that you're capable of making this professional.

I've read countless stories of links from the start to the end as well as starting from the middle of the story and then winding back time to wherever.When reading the info about the demon chase again, it all started to make sense and put some assurance that my assumption of Tom was correct from the start.Does it benefit the story? It's easy to understand the link so I would say yes.

As far as the protagonist goes, Tom is a well drawn character who is unique in his actions, but his strange behaviour fits in with his conscientious personality.I could clearly see that this child wasn't an ordinary person from the start; but I think that's from watching Insidious and the intro kind of reminded me of Astral Projection.He's obviously the most characterised in the story, but I feel as if the other characters lacked something. I wanted to know more from Tom's mum, it's clear that something is going on and although she didn't appear to be generic, her feelings didn't come through to me (apart from being a bit submissive).Timing of short stories and how much you can describe has an effect on that though.

I don't have a massive probably with heavily dominant dialogue in stories, especially when it's all correct and works well. But sometimes reading it for your piece would get me confused at times to who is actually speaking.Of course I don't expect you to say things like 'he said' all the time, but when two people are speaking I lost track of progress made.

You're probably wondering why I also stopped marking it and didn't go to the end ---> When I'm clear of a story and it's improvements, I think it's only right to stop making recommendations on the small things and concentrate on the bigger picture.You won't agree with everything I pointed out in the story and that's completely fine.If you did want me to finish it off then tell me in a response to this review and i'll happily find the time.

I think i'm going to conclude my review right here in saying what I thought of the short story. Overall I think it's pretty good, but I definitely think you need to look at some major changes to the vocabulary and adjective placement, as well as being less 'chatty' so to speak. I get that if you want to do it because it's a style choice, but then mixing the forced description and casual vibe I get from it doesn't work for me. I know you won't come back and re-write this whole thing to adapt to the improvements me and other reviews are saying, especially because of the time involved, and also the fact that I did get really nit picky with the constructive criticisms. I do it because I know you know what I'm on about most of the time, but that being said, if you have any inquiries about my review and certain statements I have said that you disagree with or find confusing, please PM or reply to me.My story preference, like everyone else, is to be hooked in no matter the genre. For me, this story didn't hook me in as much as I hoped it to. Ambitious imagery, vocab, appropriate statements and witty approaches are the what float my boat; but once again, literature is a very opinionated thing... i'm rambling now.

I guess this means that you have metaphorically taken my soul now because that took quite a while! I look forward to reviewing your next piece if I get the chance (:

If you have any other questions please don't hesitate to ask - and keep writing!!!!

PenmanshipPriorty
(Time taken: Broke the scale)

As a side note - your review gave me the excuse to achieve my second star on here, so thankyou!

User avatar
zaminami
Comment

@DarkPandemonium I fixed those changes.

User avatar
wordwing
Comment

"Feel free to tear it apart"
I see what you did there..;)

User avatar
Panikos
Review

Hi, DemonGoddess. Pan here to review. I'll get straight into the nitpicks, then I'll take the other more general areas - writing style, story content, dialogue, structure, character - section by section so I can break down what works and what doesn't. Here we go.

Nitpicks

The little boy could hear roaring in the distance, furious and malevolent.


I think this opening line would have more impact without those adjectives. You could even scrap 'little', as well, because 'boy' already suggests youth. I prefer brevity in openings.

His small, bare feet pounded against the ordinary-looking sidewalk illuminated by lamplight.


1) At this early stage, the reader has no reason to think the sidewalk is abnormal, so there's no reason to signpost that it's ordinary. If you just say 'sidewalk', people will think of a normal sidewalk.

2) This is something I'll talk a bit more about later in the review, but I think you should work on being more concise. This sentence could easily be tightened up to something like:

His bare feet pounded against the lamplit sidewalk.

His bare feet pounded against the illuminated sidewalk.

Say as much as you can in as little words as possible. Always scrutinise your sentences to see if you can make them more succinct.

The slapping noises echoed from the houses, ringing in his ears and certainly notified the monster that was chasing him to his location.


It should be 'notifying'.

6-year old


Should be 'six-year-old'. Numbers are written as words in literature, generally.

Giving up, he limped in the beast’s hand with defeat.


I think you mean 'he fell limp', because 'limped' as a verb means to walk unsteadily.

There was a certain delicateness to it, but the boy still wanted to look away from it, foreboding as it was.


Nothing about your previous description suggested delicacy, so this is baseless and difficult to picture. Add in some specifics about what features of the palace are delicate.

Instead of the leathery bat wings that demons normally have, this demon-thing had black, bird-like wings instead.


How does Tom know what demons traditionally look like? I assume he's never seen one, and it's not like demons in mythology have a very consistent look. Tom doesn't seem the sort to look at mythology, anyway, considering that he wasn't even sure what a fallen angel was.

He could feel himself falling into that sharp mouth already, being crunched by those hard jaws with a quick snap.


Not a nitpick. I really liked this bit.

“Hello, Asmodeus,” the demon said. “It is I, your father.

“Lucifer.”


Who is saying that last bit? Is it the demon who brought Tom in?

Thomas “Tom” Wellridge


'Tom' is such a standard way to shorten 'Thomas' that it seems weird to highlight it like this. Nicknames are normally only signposted if they're different to what you'd expect, but basically every Thomas I've ever met goes by Tom.

British elementary school, waiting for his mother to pick him up from first grade.


Wait, so is Tom supposed to be British? Or is he an American who has moved to Britain? I only say because, in Britain (or England, at least), we call them Infants' schools rather than elementary schools. Tom also uses words like 'Mom', 'sidewalk', 'comforter' and 'shotgun seat' rather than the British equivalents, so I assumed he was American.

American or nay, if he's living here I don't think he'd call it 'first grade'. If Tom is six, he'd be in Year 2 in Britain.

her dark brown hair tied in a bun that clashed slightly with her bowling alley clerk uniform that she had to wear.


How can a bun clash with an outfit? You usually use 'clash' when colours don't go together.

“You taught it to me. You would do that all the time,” he answered simply. “And I’m not angry. I never am.” He stopped himself before he could say that he was never happy, or sad, or anything like that either. His mother didn’t need to know that. “I’m a happy child,” he lied. He mentally slapped himself for almost giving his secret away.

He could see his mother visibly relax


His dialogue is so distinctly not like something a six-year-old would say that I really can't believe his mum would relax at it. I feel like she'd just become even more uneasy.

That’s what you said yesterday, a little voice in Tom’s mind pointed out. It was indeed true. She had said that yesterday. And yet, there was no food in the fridge.


Those last three sentences get needlessly repetitive. They can be cut.

He thumped his bare feet over the carpet and pretty much dove into bed when he realized that he had forgotten to turn off the main light on the ceiling fan in his room. He groaned and rolled out of the black comforter and blue sheets and walked across the room to turn off the light. Once that task was done, he settled underneath the covers for a deep sleep.


Is there a point to this paragraph? I feel like you could cut it. It only slows the pacing down.

The only comforting thing was the hard - Tom guessed cement - floor.


How is a cement floor comforting?

There was one thing to do, and it was to think about conspiracy theories, one of his favorite activities. If Voldemort didn’t exist, then what would have happened? What if the British won the Revolutionary War? What if he didn’t exist?


These aren't really conspiracy theories. They're just hypothetical situations. A conspiracy theory would be like thinking the moon landings were fake or that the government was hiding evidence of aliens.

He slipped through the hole, making his slim, feminine-shaped body and shortness useful for once. He reminisced on school and the boys making fun of him for “looking like a girl” or “looking like a gay.” The man winced. What is wrong with being gay?


This is quite a random thing for him to be thinking about in the middle of a mission to kill his mother. It also seems a bit out of nowhere - because we don't actually see this bullying taking place at any point, we just have to accept that it happened. It's telling without showing to back it up.

Should he just unlock it? No, that’ll make a noise that she’ll hear. Should he disintegrate it? No, that’s too obvious


Tense issues. It should be something like:

Should he just unlock it? No, she'd hear the noise. Should he disintegrate it? No, that was too obvious

...his mouth as he ripped into her flesh with his sharp black claws.

“Thomas, is that you?"


I think you need to swap the positioning around, because this makes it seem like she says "Thomas, is that you?" after he starts ripping her to bits, which doesn't seem right. It would make more sense if she said it before he attacked her, because I doubt she'd be able to form words while she was being torn apart.

Writing Style

Your writing style isn't bad - it's readable, generally well organised, and you have an eye for detail in your description that I like. However, there's a couple of recurrent problems with it, some of which I've touched on in the nitpicks section.

1) You frequently include unnecessary information, and I think this is the main reason that you struggle with brevity. I'll illustrate with a few examples:

the monster that was chasing him to his location.


You don't need to say that the monster is chasing him 'to his location' because it's obvious. The whole point of chasing is that you're trying to catch up with someone.

He picked out his favorite blue pinstriped pajamas and slipped them on himself, removing his other clothes of course.


The reader isn't going to assume that Tom put his pyjamas on over his clothes, so you don't need to specify that he didn't. I think you underestimate the reader's ability to work things out for themselves, so you sort of hold their hand and try too hard to make sure they're following what's going on. Don't state the obvious. We can work it out.

2) For me, you overuse adjectives, which slows the narrative down a little and makes it feel kind of clumsy. Adjectives can be great for description, but you don't fully exploit the descriptive power that nouns and verbs can carry by themselves. Compare 'The walls were high and menacing' to 'The walls loomed'. Compare 'A huge crack split the road' to 'A fissure split the road'. It's all about cutting down on unnecessary words - it links to the earlier point of brevity.

I heard of a writing exercise which involves going through a piece and striking out all of the adjectives, then adding back in only the ones that actually need to be there. I think that kind of activity would be useful in editing this story. Test your sentences without their adjectives and see if they actually lose impact - you'll often find that the image you'e creating stays intact even without the extra descriptors. There will be plenty of instances where adjectives are necessary, but it's worth scrutinising each one.

Dialogue

Layout and grammar wise, there are no issues with your dialogue, and for the most part the content of it is fine as well. I'll just draw attention to this section, though:

“Is this the one?” a tiny voice asked.

Another ball of light floated from behind the other and bobbed in the air like a nod. “Yes, this is the unfeeling child.” The other voice was equally tiny.

“Are you sure that this is the right one? If it isn’t, Boss would kill us.”

“Oh please, I’m not scared of that fallen angel. Besides, I’m sure that he won’t care either way. If this child turns out to be human, we can just feed it to the hounds.”


This bit of dialogue is too expository. You make the two voices talk about things they probably wouldn't mention purely for the sake of informing the reader. Why would they say 'this is the unfeeling child' when they both know that's what they're looking for? Why would they say 'I'm not scared of that fallen angel' when they're both aware of what Lucifer is? It doesn't ring true. It's like listening to people talk when they know they're being recorded.

By cutting down on the exposition, you might end up with something like:

“Is that the one?” a tiny voice asked.

Another ball of light floated from behind the other and bobbed in the air like a nod. “Yes.” The other voice was equally tiny.

“Are you sure? If we're wrong, Boss will kill us.”

“Oh please, I’m not scared of him. Besides, he's not going to care. If it's human, we can just feed it to the hounds.”


When you're writing dialogue, try to give the impression that you're not acknowledging the reader. The moment it feels like you're pandering to their curiosity, the writing rings false.

Character

Tom is well drawn as a character. The little lashings of characterisation you include in the middle section are great; I like how he forces himself to stop reading Harry Potter so he can theorise about what will happen next. It's a strange behaviour that really fits with his analytical personality.

That said, I was unsure about Tom at first. I wasn't sure whether there was something not right about him or whether you just didn't know how to write from the perspective of a six-year-old. I think you need to find a way to make it more clear from the outset that Tom isn't a typical child, because that limbo of 'is this bad writing or is there someone more going on?' isn't the best territory for a reader to be in.

Nevertheless, once I got past that, I did like Tom, though he is substantially better characterised than anyone else in the story. The mother, Susanne, feels quite lacking. In the last scene, she's described as paranoid, but I never actually get feeling from her. She just seemed sad and aimless. She and Lucifer are the characters that need the most development, though I appreciate that time restrictions and word counts might make that difficult.

Structure

I find it strange that you start with the middle of the story and then wind back time to eight hours before. It's not an uncommon thing to do, but I question whether it really benefits the story, especially seeing as you could slot those opening scenes into their chronological point in the narrative quite easily. It feels like you're giving away your ending too early. We already know what's coming, so you lose the element of surprise.

Story Content

So, the big question: do I like the story? I think I'd have to say yes, but with some reservations. The whole son-of-Lucifer idea isn't a new one, but you approach it in such a way that it feels fresh to me. I like Tom's character. I like the odd touches and slight surrealism (Tom hypothesising that demons would have robot technology; the idea that demons live in ordinary neighbourhoods; the strange array of flowers in the palace). The story held my interest all the way through, which counts for something.

However. The plot is very, very gappy. A lot of information is missing, and not in a way that the reader can fill in. We never find out how exactly it came to be that Tom is Lucifer's son, nor what Lucifer meant by "He was used to bring you back from the dead." We never find out what happened in those twenty years to make Thomas change so much, nor why he's now so intent on going home and killing his mother. The last scene also references a lot of things we've never heard about before; you talk about the dog Scooby, about Tom being bullied for looking girly, about his mother's love of cats - all things that are completely new knowledge to us. It's confusing. It makes me feel like I've missed something.

In all honesty, the idea feels too expansive for a short story of this length. You're tackling too much in too little words, so you can't capture the full scope of character development and worldbuilding that the idea demands. I'm not sure what to suggest other than to extend the narrative. A few extra scenes from that twenty-year gap might help the cohesion.

Another idea, I suppose, would be to reframe the story so that it has a smaller focus. I've got quite a few short stories which are actually just pieces from larger narratives I have yet to write. If you did away with the 'twenty years later' part and focused only on Tom's capture by the demons and realisation that he is Lucifer's child, it might hold together more easily. I don't know. I'll leave it to you to decide.

I'll call the review here. I hope this was helpful, and I do appreciate the difficulty of working huge ideas into short stories. I'm the sort who starts planning a short and ends up with an idea for an entire trilogy. Still, the idea itself is interesting, and I think with more time and development it could be excellent. I'd love to see Tom's development from a relatively ordinary child to an unhinged monster.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

Thanks! This really does help!

Also, can you do me a favor and point out the places where it should be British? I'm American and I was too stupid to look up British to American terms, so...

Mom should be Mum, sidewalk should be pavement, comforter should be duvet/quilt and shotgun seat should be passenger seat :)



"While we may come from different places and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one."
— Albus Dumbledore