Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Lyrical

16+ Language

Crystal

by zaminami


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Crystal:

first you take from me the boy i called my soulmate
now he will never again be my iron.
for you melted him down into a sword
that stabbed through my heart forevermore.

second you forced me to go to a place i shouldn’t go
a place that should be forbidden to me.
however, i went, and i was tortured, scared.
until you arrived on the scene yet again.

third you attempted to take my family.
back when i still had feelings.
you controlled them and made them like your own sick heart --
but my determination prevailed.

fourth you stalked me throughout my life
killing all that i loved as i went.
you slowly murdered me from inside, carving my heart out
until all that was left was an empty husk.

fifth i moved to the only safe place in the world,
surrounded by people like me.
you couldn’t penetrate my and their walls anymore.
so you seemed to give up, retreat back into your hellhole.

sixth you came back, power-hungry as ever,
driving me into a quest to find the one thing that
will kill you, save everyone, something i don’t even care about.
what are these feelings that you speak of?

seventh i killed you, for the last time.
to save my friends, family, the world.
but it didn’t give me the satisfaction that i needed
what can i possibly do?

eighth i was standing in the kitchen, chopping onions.
when he walked up to me and shouted my name.
annoyed at this other boy who had stalked me for eight years,
i turned around and stabbed his rotten head.

~~

i am a diamond,
glittering within the hard stone.
you hire the miners come to steal my preciousness
to take all that is mine.

then you take me to your polishing shop
to shine me, polish me, shape me for your own
to appeal to the jewel stores amongst the many cities
that i will soon call home.

next, you sell me for a high price
to the fanciest jewel store in town.
now my life is ruined, for i can’t take back
the raw rock that i used to be.

~~

now i am standing in a desert. fitting, isn’t it?
surveying the damage that i had done.
i have no regrets. no nothing, no love.just glee at the fact that everyone that had lived had died from my hands.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
105 Reviews


Points: 4417
Reviews: 105

Donate
Wed Jan 03, 2018 6:51 pm
Danni88 says...






User avatar
105 Reviews


Points: 4417
Reviews: 105

Donate
Wed Jan 03, 2018 6:51 pm
Danni88 wrote a review...



Hey! Danni here for a review!

First off: Wow, Crystal had a soulmate. I can’t wait to find out about him in the book. I also am curious as to her stalker. I like the way you gave some teasers but didn’t spoil the story.

Like the jewel references! Very clever.

I think I know who the boy she stabbed whilst chopping onions is, but I won’t say here so as not to spoil things.

I really liked this! It was very deep and well-written.

Keep up the good work!

Danni x




User avatar
20 Reviews


Points: 278
Reviews: 20

Donate
Sun Nov 26, 2017 2:13 am
View Likes
Temptress wrote a review...



Hiya!

Temptress here to give you a review!

First of all, I really love this poem.

One of the first things I noticed was some capitalization errors, or maybe it was an intentional thing. Personally, I would have capitalized things such as, First, Second, Third, etc. but that's just me and it's entirely up to you.

Next, lack of commas. After transition words, (First, Second, Third, etc), there should be commas. Unless, it was meant to be that way, if so that is my mistake for thinking that.

I didn't see a whole lot to criticize, so I think I'm gonna go ahead and submit this review.

Once again, I really enjoyed this poem.

Keep up the great work!

~Temptress~




User avatar
841 Reviews


Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Donate
Mon Nov 20, 2017 12:22 pm
Radrook says...



It isn't clear who Crystal is. The narrative can be used to clarify this by having the narrator call the stalker Crystal if indeed the stalker is Crystal. Since the name Crystal is boldfaced, it comes across as a title and not as part of the narrative.




zaminami says...


I think that the jewel metaphors indicate that it's Crystal. That's the whole reason why I put them in there.



Radrook says...


But the one describing herself as a Jewel is complaining about being harassed.



zaminami says...


yep. she is describing herself as a jewel who is manipulated into something that other people want.



User avatar
841 Reviews


Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Donate
Sun Nov 19, 2017 4:38 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this story about a victim and his or her antagonist. It enumerates the injuries inflicted on a victim. Seems that the victim isn't really too nice. After all, why destroy all living things?

Suggestions;

Once one starts with first, second, third then one is expected to have a “finally”“. But the sequence is left hanging and continued with “then”.

The poem begins in a second person singular mode [you] and then shifts to a first person singular one [I]. Then back to the second person singular [you].

It introduces the cliche “heart” twice once in the first stanza and then in the fourth.

The lack of punctuation with run-on sentences all over the place makes a smooth reading very hard. In other words, the reader’s persistence is being unnecessarily tested.
-------------------------------------------------------------




zaminami says...


First of all, the run-on sentences were a sylistic choice. Second, it is all in first person. Crystal is pissed at the antagonist who had ruined her life and is accusing him. I guess you need to see it from the prologue's standpoint. Crystal is a psychopath and... ya know...



Radrook says...


I understand that the run-ons might be stylistic choices. But as a reader it served to confuse me and as a reviewer I feel obligated to tell you. Otherwise I might as well not review at all or just say I found it flawless for the sake of Christian charity. The only indication that crystal is a psycho is at the conclusion. The one who is stalking her is described as a psycho.



zaminami says...


no, he's described as power-hungry... I didn't say he was a psycho per say.



Radrook says...


So Crystal is the one being harassed-correct?



zaminami says...


yeah



User avatar


Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Donate
Sat Nov 18, 2017 10:13 pm
dreamandwrite says...



I really liked it




zaminami says...


thank chu



Radrook says...


You are right, it should have been obvious that Crystal is the one being harassed.



User avatar
362 Reviews


Points: 15642
Reviews: 362

Donate
Sat Nov 18, 2017 9:50 pm
zaminami says...



@Flumadiddle I stole your idea haha

Also, check out the prologue for this story here!




DeerInBacPac says...


Its fine! You gave me credit so you good.




A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
— Robert Frost