@DemonGoddess --
on the outside people say i’m a lion.
loud, fearsome, fearless.
they claim that i am a confident person --
those are the people who judge books by their cover.
on the inside i was a dusty china plate,
long-forgotten in an old china cabinet.
i disliked being this fragile plate,
and i wished to be something else.
be careful what you wish for.
then you decided to make the cabinet look as good as new,
and upon opening it, you discovered me.
you felt bad for a lonely, dusty plate.
so you brought me out, cleaned me up.
but you were washing me, when suddenly you scrubbed me too hard,
making me feel raw, red, flayed.
you turned around and set me back on the renewed cabinet, saying:
“this is my prize. this is my plate.”
“this is my friend. Not yours.”
you made me fancy.
you showed me off.
now i am your slave.
now i am a trophy.
one day you decided to flail me again and...
whoops! bringing me back to my cage,
you dropped me --
you shattered me into shards, into pieces of my old self.
what have you done?
you grabbed a broom, a dustpan,
and told me that you were “sorry.”
you swept me up and shoved me in a trash can,
where i will stay forevermore.
now i am shattered into pieces,
struggling to escape the garbage bag you threw me in,
but i was never the most athletic,
and am currently being crushed in a garbage disposal.
@Flumadiddle --
You say that you are china,
Broken like the Earth.
But then, that is only what some see.
Others can only see what they want,
Like black and white.
I see a person who is as shattered as glass in a storm
And as brilliant as the stars in the sky.
Shining, twinkling.
And even though they are dying, they still live.
This china is not what you are,
It is your story. The broken lines and happy moments.
All one and they same but none of it defines you.
People are the monsters in this life.
They will hurt those that are stronger than them,
no matter how much it may hurt the person.
Those people are the demons, the breakers of beautiful things.
Those people are the ones who should be broken, shattered
and twisted to their breaking point, not yours.
And just keep swimming. Because even if you aren’t good,
You will get to where you need to go, even if it's not where you hope.
Sometimes sorry is not enough,
It may never be.
But maybe, maybe saying nothing is better than something.
Maybe silence is better than noise.
Maybe being broken is better than being fine.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
hOW IS THIS STILL IN THE SPOTLIGHT
i think @StupidSoup means while the imagery is pretty cool, a ton of lines can be taken out and you'd still end up with the same poem. You keep restating this sort of moral of "believe in yourself and you'll always get somewhere". I think in this way it loses meaning. You stretch phrases to 3 or 4 lines when they could have the same affect if they were simplified to just one. Also, some of the lines are kinda funky in that they look like they mean something, but logically don't make any sense. Things like,
"It is your story. The broken lines and happy moments.
All one and they same but none of it defines you."
You call your hardships your story but then immediately contradict yourself because by saying none of it defines you. I used to do this thing where if the line sounded good i'd just leave it there solely for that purpose. That feels like what you did here. I think that's also why i'd recommend going over this piece again and looking for lines you can cut out. Imagery is great and all, but only in spots. Try looking for lines you think define the meaning of this poem and reduce to just what you're trying to convey. You don't have to have all this imagery of china being polished and broken for lines upon lines. Say more of what you mean and not what looks pretty. That's why I like the ending so much. You dispense with the flowery imagery and simply state what you're poem is trying to convey. That hits harder than, "I see a person who is as shattered as glass in a storm And as brilliant as the stars in the sky. Shining, twinkling. And even though they are dying, they still live".
i think that's what both Soup and I wanted to say. I hope I actually got a message across and didn't just sound like I was dissing your piece. Constructive criticism tends to hurt just a teensy bit, but I think that's a good thing. I look forward to seeing what you'll do with this piece. Keep writing!
-poop guy
P.S: Just because it's a true story doesn't mean it can't be redundant. It's the way it's written.
@Flumadiddle this is for you
k
well hey, these are corrections for both of you. You two have some similarities in your writing styles, therefore i guess it's easy to generalize.
wait wat
??
Hi. I believe it would be a great improvement if you were to reread this piece and edit it. A lot of it is redundant. Also, I find that replacing literal meanings with symbolism and abstraction is much more evocative and can help with redundancy.
Thanks!
How is it redundant? It's a true story.
People are the monsters in this life.
They will hurt those that are stronger than them,
no matter how much it may hurt the person.
Those people are the demons, the breakers of beautiful things.
Those people are the ones who should be broken, shattered
and twisted to their breaking point, not yours.
And just keep swimming. Because even if you aren%u2019t good,
You will get to where you need to go, even if it's not where you hope.
Sometimes sorry is not enough,
It may never be.
But maybe, maybe saying nothing is better than something.
Maybe silence is better than noise.
Maybe being broken is better than being fine.
By redundant I mean this. This entire passage can be summarized in the first sentence. The majority of this passage is simply restating the same idea in different ways. Rather than doing this, you can cut almost all of this passage and add in some symbolism that may illustrate your point in a more evocative, engaging method. Using similes, metaphors, and personification may help you be more concise with with your ideas!
Hope this helps.
P.S: This being a true story has very little to do with redundancy and the like.
Oh, you need to talk to @Flumadiddle about that part.
@StupidSoup The first part is talking about how people are the bad in this life. The second part is how the ones who hurt should be hurt not the one who suffers. The next part is how you should keep going, no matter how hard it gets. After that it talks about how words may never be enough to fix the problem and saying nothing is sometimes better. How having scars... those are your trophies in a world that is so cruel.
Great! Those are some very profound messages. However, your writing does not reflect what you say above. If you could find a way of distinguishing between those three points and making each idea a bit clearer this piece will benefit greatly!
So, I loved this, I'm not sure why though, poetry wasn't really my thing, but you made it so emotional, from the different points of view, I was really inspried by it. Some of the things you wrote made me feel connected to the character in a way. The only thing I wanted to say that you should fix is in this line, "All one and they same but none of it defines you." Instead of 'they', I think it should be 'the'. But other than that little mistake there, I think you did a wonderful job writing this piece of art. I know what it would look like if it were a piece of art, and I love it so much, just like this! Great job!
congrats on literary spotlight! I'm just saying, if this work didn't make it, I'd be a little frustrated. It's one of the best, or the best, piece of I've read on here.
thank you!
thank you!
denada hermanas
Hello! I really enjoyed this poem, and I really liked the message behind it! I've actually never read a poetry collaboration before, and I must say - you two have some serious "chemistry" in this poem, while still maintaining your distinctive voices.
The first thing that stood out to me was some grammar. One of the things you should keep in mind is punctuation - or rather, the consistency of your punctuation. If you're going to use commas, you have to establish that in your first stanza and stick to it. You don't have to use punctuation in your poem, but if you do, you can't use it in one stanza and not use it in the other. Well, I say you can't - you can do whatever you want. Just something to keep in mind.
Aside from that, the rhythm was a little off in places.
My favorite parts (in each half of the poem) were:
"you grabbed a broom, a dustpan,
told me that you were “sorry.”
you swept me up and shoved me in a trash can,
where i will stay forevermore."
and
"Sometimes sorry is not enough,
It may never be.
But maybe, maybe saying nothing is better than something.
Maybe silence is better than noise.
Maybe being broken is better than being fine."
Overall, I really liked this poem! I thought the message was meaningful and I think that you both did a great job. Keep writing!
ella
THIS GOT ON THE SPOTLIGHT?! KARAAAAAAA!!! @DemonGoddess
I SAWWWWW
*screams internally*
**aggressively screams like a pterodactyl**
*All dem petrodactyl screeching*
yes XD
Izzy here hello hello!
I think this should totally be on the spotlight!
It talks about brokenness and monsters and AH
Very good!
There are a few places where it could flow better and I think you should have changed the persons point of view...
I like what this poem is about and you guys should do a lot more collaborations together!
Sorry for the short review I have homework to do!
Izzy
YOU POSTED IT AHHHHH
@LordTachanka
There's a couple grammatical issues here.
I like the specification on what kind of plate. This helped me connect with the piece a lot, though I don't like 'long-forgotten' because your audience already knows this, and, to me, it takes away from the rhythm.
I understand the first and second strikeout, but I don't agree with it. Not too much has happened to jolt the reader.
"But you were washing me when suddenly..." This sentence is off the flow of earlier stanzas. However, something bad is about to happen. I like experimental stuff like this, but others might not. If you'd like a suggestion: "But as you were washing me, suddenly..."
or "But when you were washing me, suddenly..."
If you had satire intent for "Whoops!" Then, I like it. However, the transition from, "I long to be more than a plate," to being sarcastic to the reader seems... fast.
I dislike "good swimmer" It makes sense with 'black oil,' but it's difficult for 'garbage disposal.'
China is already broken when they were just talking about themselves?
"But then that is only what some see." I suggest removing either 'but,' or 'then,' or even both.
I see why you chose to use, "I?" instead of "Me?" but 'Me?' would fit better here.
"All one, and they say same, but not none of it defines you." I don't know what's being said.
"People are the monsters in this life." I'd lose 'the.'
"They will hurt those that are stronger than them, / no matter how much it may hurt the person." A couple things here. 1) I'd lose 'that are.' 2) I believe in the second line you are trying to say, "Regardless of how intense the pain," but the couplet comes across as "People hurt people not caring if they hurt people," which is odd. If this was the intent, I'd guess you were illuding to the current narrator not caring about who calls themselves 'china.'
The last line of the previously mentioned stanza is quite ironic. It talks about monsters breaking things when china calls flumadiddle their monster, if you will, and flumadiddle is a person- anyways, I laughed.
"Not yours," should be "not you."
I liked the last 3 lines.
Overall, I enjoyed the imagery of this piece. It's the biggest strength here. I like how you split it up in-between two narrators speaking to each other. I still don't get the swimming, but "Just keep swimming" reminds me of a great pixar film. Out of 10, I'd give this poem an 8. There's only a few nitpicky rhythmic things I've beef with, and you use a whole bunch of metaphors and symbolism, which is appearing as a lost art these days. Good job!
@Saruka
For Flumadiddle: @LordTachanka @woahhitherepal @DarkPandemonium @WhosabellCanWrite
dankeshun!