Young Writers Society

Okay. Here we go.

1. How did this make you feel while you were reading this?
Unfortunately, or perhaps very fortunately, this is a message to which I struggle to relate. With that in mind, it was very moving, and I think you carried the emotion across very well. Your message and metaphors worked well for the topic, but some of the formatting had a bit of a juvenile quality that conflicted with the weight of the subject matter.

2. How was my flow? This is a whole new style for me so I want to know.
It's difficult to look at the flow here because so much of it is broken up by the formatting. From what I can tell, the pace is a little slow, but the scene transitions are very smooth and easy to understand. Whether you want to quicken the pace is up to you, especially since doing so might put some of the clarity of the settings at risk.
There was one rhetorical shift that stuck out to me at the line "I am dressed up in black with a colorful outfit over top..." I liked this line a lot, actually. It's a new sort of take on a typical mask metaphor, and a nice break from the screaming/wailing bits that helps ground the poem back in reality. I think, and take this advice with a grain of salt because I don't know what I'm on about, that if you added a similar calm moment at the beginning of an earlier stanza, it could giving the poem a sort of rising-and-falling motion, if that makes any sense. You might be able to build up, calm down, repeat, and then build up to your climax.

3. Was this impactful? Did it make you feel like you got punched in the gut?
Yes, this felt very personal to you, and the sympathy hit me hard. The metaphors were very helpful, and helped me understand the emotion behind the story even though I cannot personally relate to this topic on the same level.

4. How was my use of fire sirens as a metaphor?
I liked it! It carried the message well and you made it fit quite neatly with your theme. I will say, though, that there were some words that could have been changed to better match the metaphor. For example, "They shout in my eardrums," and "Somehow they sound like the shouts of my pupils, their exact voices hollering the same thing..." I'd suggest swapping out "hollering" and "shout" for something more like "screaming" or "wailing," which I tend to associate more with sirens.

5. Did I do a good job of showing, not telling?
You were very literal here, which I personally don't mind. For example, explaining how the sirens sounded like jeering classmates. The metaphors carried it well, but I think if you wanted a little more subtlety, there are a few changes you could make and the poem would still make sense.
I keep using this line as an example, but it's a good example, so I'll stick with it. "Somehow they sound like the shouts of my pupils," could be changed to something less literal to let the reader make an inference. The risk is that the reader will imagine a more vague situation, but this might serve to make the poem more relatable. For some reason the phrase "they sound like familiar taunts" comes to mind. The places where you transition between describing the sirens and describing the character's situation are where this is really crucial, so play around with those spaces a bit more!

6. For you Sherlock fans, tell me your reaction at mind palace.
Never seen Sherlock, but I will say that you should be sort of cautious when referencing other stories and TV shows! Make sure the overall tone of the thing to which you're alluding matches the setting. If you're telling someone about a murder, you wouldn't quote My Little Pony because it's distracting to the reader. There are of course situations where it can be helpful, such as for comedy or to create contrast. Basically, think carefully about how your references match your tone and whether you want to keep this one in here.

7. Formatting? Did I use it too much? Or was it just fine?
The formatting, as several people have mentioned, is a little overkill, but I like some of it. One of the problems with it are the bits where the letters are spaced out, which are hard to read and slow down the flow. On the other hand I sort of like it, as the slow way in which I read the text kind of mimicked wailing sirens. If you wanted to keep that idea, you might want to put those parts on separate lines, since I skipped over the first letter a couple of times, and keeping it separate would make it easier to see. Also, if you did keep this part, I would try to tone down the rest of the formatting as much as you possibly can, maybe even get rid of it entirely. It would make the drawn-out bits more special and make the whole thing seem more deliberate.
The two lines that bothered me the most were the big words LUNGS and ScR EAm InG. The formatting makes them seem almost childish and really detracts from the gravity of the message. Even if you don't change any of the other formatting, I really encourage you to change those two words.

8. Can you read the formatting where I used other colors?
For the most part yes, but I really don't like a lot of the color changes. "False smile" in red made it look like our narrator was plotting a murder, and "my true feelings" is rainbow colors suggests that the character is all sunshine and glitter. It just didn't fit.

9. Overall, how was it? Good or bad? Rating from 1-10.
I was trying to be extra critical in this review, but I want to make sure you know that I really enjoyed this a lot. Grading this as though you were a professional writer, I give it a 5 or 6, and I'm sure that after some corrections it can easily come up to a 6 or 7. As amateur work it rates much higher, so I would say it's a job well done.

I also want to point out that "Somehow they sound like the shouts of my pupils"makes it sound like the narrator is a teacher, not a fellow student.

I hope this review was helpful. I know this whole thing was a bit chaotic, so if you need any clarification please let me know.
Good luck with your writing!

Hey there, DemonGoddess. I will be answering your questions, and maybe addressing some of my own suggestions in addition.

1. How did this make you feel while you were reading this?
It was hard for me. I can’t exactly dissect this like other poems, just because it seems much more personal to you; something I can’t relate to. I was also trying to focus on the poem itself, but it was a bit overwhelming because of the format, fonts, colors. The topic itself is already a strong yet delicate topic, so something about the formatting really affected it in a negative way.
2. How was my flow? This is a whole new style for me so I want to know.
The flow for me was fine. Again, it would be more recognizable if it weren’t for the formatting. The poem definitely progressed well, though, and I could see the growth throughout it.
3. Was this impactful? Did it make you feel like you got punched in the gut?
In a way, yes. It made me feel bad for I don’t know what. Like I said before, this seems very personal and sad and I just wish I could relate to it on the same level as you can. I think what was relatable, however, was some of your metaphors. Everyone has their demons and things that haunt them. That message definitely came through.
4. How was my use of fire sirens as a metaphor?
Haha, just like I was saying! I think it was relatable but there were some points of it where it was a little too much. It went a little overbored, does that make sense? I do appreciate the time it took to write this all out and your creative metaphors you used, but sometimes you can get carried away! Too many metaphors = overwhelming poetry, incomprehensible writing. Just keep that in mind.
5. Did I do a good job of showing, don’t telling?
Just about. At times you were straying a little away from showing. It almost felt like you were simply listing off things, in certain areas. For example, when you were saying you were laying on the couch, curled up in a ball, etc. You were pretty good with not telling, though.
6. Formatting? Did I use it too much? Or was it just fine?
Wayyy too much, in my opinion. When I just look at it, it kind of hurts my eyes. The thing is, it feels to me like you spent more of your time working on the formatting than the writing itself. That’s weird. I think it’s fine to emphasize a couple of parts here and there, but all of the colored and highlighted stuff is too much. It’s respectable that you are experimenting with style, though. Just a little overwhelming.
7. Can you read the formatting where I used other colors?
Yes, but it was a little much. If you want to emphasize your writing I would suggest to just stick with bold, italics, underlining, strikethrough. Colored font becomes overwhelming for many people. It also becomes a distraction to the main thing which is the writing itself. I do believe in formatting, though, because it does affect a writing piece. It’s just how you use it that changes whether it affects it positively or negatively.
8. Overall, how was it? Good or bad? Rating from 1-10.
It was good. Again, a sensitive looking topic. Your theme definitely goes on strong throughout this piece, becoming more and more depressing. I don’t like giving out numbered ratings, but if I had to I would give it a six or seven out of ten. The formatting really just threw me off and at some points in this poem you seemed to be pushing yourself to portray the emotions a little too hard.

Now that I have answered the given questions, I want to address some of my own thoughts that I couldn’t fit in above. I would suggest you read through this poem, and think about the readers. Proofread it and make sure it makes complete sense. Do you think they will have an easy time reading this, a hard time? What does this poem mean to you?
I hope you take my feedback into consideration! Thank you for sharing this poem to the community. <3 If you have any questions, please ask. Apologies if there are some typos. I’m writing on my phone. xD
neptune

Hey, Kara! It's Lupa here to answer them questions.

1) I felt a bit overwhelmed. You did incorporate a lot of fonts, sizes, and colors, which was new, and it was a lot to take in, especially where the spacing was weird. Maybe you could try spreading out all the changes so they aren't all piled up.

2) The flow was okay, but I feel like it would have been better if the spacing wasn't so off. Me being me, I had to take some time to digest all of the crazy stuff going on, so my thought process was naturally broken up, but the flow works a bit better after going through a second time.

3) This was impactful. It was pretty blunt, even though you did try to mention the fire sirens metaphor. Some things were told, some things were implied. It was hard to tell.

4) The fire sirens was a good metaphor, but it wasn't elaborated on as much as I would have liked it to, especially if it's going to be the title of your poem. Yeah, it was mentioned, but it felt unfocused.

5) Like I said, you showed some things and told some things. You showed what the narrator's classmates said and the effect on him/her, but you told why/how the narrator hid his/her true feelings. I'm not sure if you want to show or tell more in this poem, because this topic is naturally going to be very blunt, so you can do what you want.

6) I'm not a Sherlock fan.

7) Again, it might be a bit much, but the formatting does add a good emphasis on particular words.

8 ) I could read it, although the font was a bit small, so it could be hard to read for other people.

9) I liked this poem--it gives a pretty depressed vibe, and that's most likely what you're going for. I'd rate it about a seven or an eight out of ten. You can improve on some things, but your tone/voice is really clear, which is a major point when talking about this kind of subject matter.

I hope my answers helped! If not, PM me and I'll see what I can fix. I wish you the best of luck if you do happen to submit this to any poetry contests. Have a good day/night!

XOX,
Lupa22

Damn. This is difficult to read. So visually interesting though!

1. Layinguch? What does that mean? Oh, it's laying and then couch. But why is couch spread out like that. Noise looks good, it's rising in volume. FIRE TRUCK SIRENS sound good too. dissonant has just the right shape, but I feel like a different word would work better. Warbling maybe, or some other action verb.
Suck it up
You're useless
Kill yourself
...
Ok, wow, was not expecting it to go there.
Not sure how to interpret the blue underlines
I like how andoverandoverandoverandover looks like your word processor flagged it for misspelling.
Lungs is good, very powerful.
From this point, I can't really get any meaning from the visuals. It seems very random and chaotic. It matches what the words are saying though, so style points!

2. Flow was sick.

3. It made me feel like the character needs a hug and a quiet room.

4. Again, sirens were great. It's easy to represent loud sounds with big, bold words. I wonder how you would represent quiet sounds?

5. I feel like this piece was at least 60% showing.

6. Not a Sherlock fan, sorry.

7. Since formatting is what this is all about, I think you did great. difficult to follow in a few places where some words stream into others, but a little more spacing and that'd fix it.

8. Yeah, colors are fine. Wailing was especially good, with the alternating red and blues to signify the sirens.

9. 7/10 Not my standard fare, but interesting. I probably won't forget this one for a couple of days, you definitely have an attention-catching work.

I know you said no short reviews, but this is all I got. Hope you can make something of it.

Also, do you need a hug?

Hello, Raven here with a review! I shall answer your questions, my dear!

1: I know a lot of people who feel this way so it definitely struck home for me. It hurts me to see people feeling this way. Well done on making this so relatable.

2: Your flow was pretty darn good. It's not as rhythmic as other poems, but that may be due to the fact that this reads like a spoken-word poem, which isn't bad at all.

3: Yes, yes, and yes. And yes again. This hit me hard. I have to recommend this to some friends now.

4: Fire sirens are perfect. Blaring, loud, unbearable, anxiety-inducing. Perfect.

5: I definitely liked the way you used the imagery and fonts. I think they make it all the more impactful.

6: *fangirls aggressively*

7: Just fine, lass.

8: I could. It was a bit hard with the word "wailing," but other than that it was good!

9: Excellent, Kara! 9 out of 10!!

I really don't have anything negative to say except a grammar bitch thing to say: Lie, not lay, lying, not laying. That's all and I'm a nitpicky monster so pay no attention to that. Great job, Kara!!