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18+ Language

Roasting/Memes, starring Crystal and the Gang!

by zaminami


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

A/N: Written for fun :3 the one thing was stolen from @screamingsloth.

PLEASE don't comment on grammar. It was intentional.

Just for some insight, Crystal is an unfeeling psychopath, Joash is a homophobic dude who's in love with her (and is a bit dumb), and Erwin's a gay guy who is really good at fighting. All three of them are half-dragon. Achar, Manasa, Kimi, etc. are all aliens from a planet where magic is real that they were kicked out of only because they were prophesied to kill the dictator that took over the entire planet. Toby is Crystal's cousin, who is 3% bird from science experimentation. -- Kara

--

Crystal: WOAH, that is- that's a big gun.

Joash: It's big... like my-

Crystal: Not interested.

--

Erwin: I am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand!

Crystal: Poseidon quivers before him.

Erwin: FUCK OFF!

--

Crystal: I liked that movie.

Joash: What? It was SO GORY!

Crystal: Exactly. That's why I liked it.

Joash: There's something extremely wrong with you.

--

Crystal: I hate it when people say that age is just a number.

Joash: What?

Crystal: Clearly it's a word.

--

Crystal: Hey Joash guess what?

Joash: What?

Joash: **notices shirt**

Crystal: **is wearing a shirt that says "Whoever says "what" is gay"**

Joash: **flips table**

--

Erwin: Hey, Joash, words can't describe how beautiful you are...

Joash: I'm not gay dude.

Erwin: But numbers can!

Joash: What.

Erwin: 1 out of 10.

Crystal: DON'T YOU MEAN -1 OUT OF 10?!

--

Joash: Hey Crystal guess wha-

Crystal: News flash! I don't care.

Achar: **slides in** tHAT YOU BROKE YOUR ELBOW

Crystal: hOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT MEME IT'S FUCKING 2236!

--

Toby: I'm a bird guru, I guess.

Crystal: I know. You look like one.

--

Manasa: I'm depressed.

Crystal: You know what could fix that?

Manasa: If you say "cheese" I swear to God-

Crystal: Provolone.

--

Joash: Crystal, why isn't the house all clean since you were home all day today?

Crystal: I dunno, Joash, why aren't you smart since you were at school all day today?

--

Joash: Oh, look, I'm Erwin! I have so much eye makeup that I look like a burn victim!

Crystal: Oh don't worry, you already look like a natural disaster, no need to make yourself look worse.

--

Achar: I dare you to roast me.

Crystal: If we roast you, then I guess we would have the solution to world hunger.

Kimi: OH SNAP

--

Winter: It's warm in here.

Ignacia: It's cold in here.

Kimi: It's dry in here.

Achar: It's humid in here.

Crystal: OH MY LORD JUST PICK ONE THING GOD DAMN IT WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME ROOM

--

Crystal: You look like a Snapchat filter with a glitch.

Joash: We're in the same room and talking face to face.

Crystal: Exactly.

--

Joash: We're here to roast people, not potatoes.

Danube: I'm a potato? Look who's talking.

Crystal: OH SNAP GET ROASTED SON

--

Joash: I wonder what Eddsworld character I would be.

Crystal: Matt.

Joash: Oh, so you do think I'm beautiful.

Crystal: No, I just think you're just stupid.

--

Joash: Hey guys, I just got a girlfriend!

Crystal: You pick up chicks like Erwin does girlfriends, and he's gay. Do you really expect me to believe that?

Joash: ;-;

--

Manasa: Fuq you I can sing.

Winter: Fuq you I can snowboard.

Kimi: Fuq you I can design fashion.

Ignacia: Fuq you I can blast fire.

Achar: Fuq you I can work nunchucks.

Danube: Fuq you I can swim.

Joash: Fuq you I can play... video games?

Erwin: Fuq you I can fight with swords.

Crystal: fUQ YOU I CAN DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS AND mORE

--

Joash: I wonder how Caesar Salad died.

Crystal: **smacks head**

--

Joash: Where are we?

Crystal: Somewhere.

Joash: That's not helpful.

Crystal: I know, that's why I said it.

--

Erwin: **touches Joash**

Joash: AHHHH I'M INFECTED WITH GAY

Crystal: I thought you were already "infected" with gay.

--

Crystal: Achar your doctor said that you can't drink alceehol.

Achar: it's water.

Crystal: No Achar it's alceehol.

Achar: No, it's water.

Crystal: NO. Achar. Your doctor said NO.

--

Erwin: **is waiting in line for the new iPhone**

Crystal: Hey your sister is dying of cancer.

Erwin: ?? I don't have a sister.

Crystal: Because you tHOUGHT SHE HAD TIME SO YOU GOT IN LINE

--

Joash: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Crystal: No, but I scraped my knee crawling out of hell.

Joash: Of course, you're devilishly beautiful.

Crystal: PFFT fuck no, I'm fucking fabulous.

--

Joash: hey Crystal lemme smash.

Crystal: No Ron, go find Becky.

Joash: omg she actually got it

--

Joash: I have crippling depression.

Erwin: You know what could fix that?

Crystal: FLEX TAPE

--

Joash: How does it feel now that you've killed everyone in the world?

Crystal: If I've killed everyone in the world, wouldn't I have killed you? **twirls knife**

Joash: ...

Crystal: ...

Joash: ... wtf

--

Erwin: So, what do you want to do with your life?

Crystal: I want to die.

Erwin: ... that's not dark at all.

--

Joash: Hey Crystal want to bang?

Joash: **hang

Joash: Haha autocorrect sucks

Crystal: THIS IS A REAL LIFE CONVERSATION

--

Joash: Dude, this guy just asked me to "suq his cok" on my Insta wall.

Crystal: How would he? He doesn't even have one. Besides, you're already doing that to Erwin.

Erwin: **dies of laughter** just when you think that she's standing up to you she ain't

--

Crystal: Why is Hellman's mayonnaise called Hellman's mayonnaise?

Crystal: I mean it's good, but that's not the most appropriate name in the world.

Joash: Your face is inappropriate.

Crystal: Look who's talking.

--

Joash: **reads card from board game** Which natural park or biome describes you best? Crystal?

Crystal: Antarctica describes me the best. It's a desert, so it's dry, and it's cold, like me.

Joash: ... Erwin?

Erwin: I'm a rainforest, because I'm colorful, ayeeeeee! **finger guns**

Joash: **dies of laughter** I may be gayphobic but oml that was great

--

**during a text conversation**

Joash: hoi

Crystal: So you're Temmie now?

Joash: welcome 2 my tem shop

Crystal: I guess you are.

Joash: i am cristl. i will steel ur soul mwuahahaha

Crystal: Are you even aware of the contact right now? Dude.

Joash: oh shit i texted cristl by acident

Crystal: Your grammar is horrible.

--

Joash: Me not think as you drunk as I am!

Crystal: You got the words wrong.

--

Joash: THE SUN IS SETTING

Toby: THE FLOWERS ARE STARTING TO WILT

Crystal: YOU FUCKED UP BITCH

Achar: I JUST WANT SOME FUCKING TEA

--

Manasa: I'm a communist.

Winter: I'm a socialist

Crystal: Pfft that's close enough.

--

Joash: When I was a young boy 

Crystal: MY FATHER

--

Kara (Me): What have I done

Crystal: **shrugs**


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User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 1
Reviews: 6

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Fri Aug 02, 2019 6:40 am
Sujit says...



NICE ROASTS, MEMES, JOKES. I mean come on man these jokes are like inappropriate for small kids(Cause of the language). BUT SO GOOD. Be a comedian in life.i can remember some finishing lines such as Why YOu BUllY ME and Ye BOis.PLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WRITE MOREEEEEEEEEEEEEE. so that I can laugh more.




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6 Reviews


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Reviews: 6

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Fri Aug 02, 2019 6:32 am
Sujit says...



NICE ROASTS, MEMES, JOKES. I mean come on man these jokes are like inappropriate for small kids(Cause of the language). BUT SO GOOD. Be a comedian in life.i can remember some finishing lines such as Why YOu BUllY ME and Ye BOis.PLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WRITE MOREEEEEEEEEEEEEE. so that I can laugh more.




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105 Reviews


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Reviews: 105

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Fri Jun 01, 2018 3:11 pm
Danni88 says...



Words can't describe how beautiful this is.
But numbers can. 11 out of 10.
Bloody hell this made me laugh so much XD




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Sun Nov 26, 2017 8:29 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, DemonGoddess! Happy Review Day! Pan dropping in for a quick review.

I don't have a massive amount to say about this because I'm not familiar with the characters, but I'll do my best. Personally, I don't feel like this holds together as a literary work because it really is just tiny snippets from larger conversations. Humour is often a lot more powerful when placed against a wider context, so I think setting jokes against a longer narrative would have had a bigger impact on me.

Some of the jokes are quite funny. I liked the provolone one just because it was so absurd. However, I felt like I could see the jokes coming in a lot of cases, like all of the dialogue was obviously leading up to the punchline. There's also the fact that a lot of these jokes aren't original - they're based on memes, vines (Poseidon quivers before him!) or Reddit/Tumblr posts. One of my friends even used that 'words can't describe how beautiful you are' joke on me once! :P The recycling kind of damaged it for me, because it meant I wasn't reading something fresh and unique. It was just lots of jokes that I'd either seen before, or had seen something similar to.

I'll leave the review here because the piece is very short, but I think this is one of those things that is fun to write for yourself but doesn't always translate that easily when it comes to other people reading it. I'd have liked to see more of an extended script so I could get a better sense of the characters as people, and I'd have preferred to see jokes that you'd come up with yourself. Nevertheless, it's quite a fun piece, and I think the characters all seem to have an interesting dynamic.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Sun Nov 26, 2017 7:05 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hey Demon!

Ellie here to give you a review. I noticed this was in fanfiction. Are these already existing characters, or did you make them up? I was a little confused.

I definitely laughed out loud a lot. Are they chatting on a computer or texting? If they're half-dragon, how does that work? These kinds of chatroom stories are a really fun and specific subgenre, and fun to write to.

All of the characters had very clear personalities. I just wanted to see more. I think there's definitely places where you can fill it out to make this more cohesive since there were some gaps that confused me. And I didn't get the ending either. You're Kara, right? Are you controlling everyone?

Even if this was written for fun, I definitely think there's more you can do to make it even better. Hope this helps! I really did like it.

Let me know if you have questions.




zaminami says...


Yes, I made them up. It was like a fan fiction for my creation...

And yes, I%u2019m Kara pfft

To explain the half-dragon thing, you%u2019ll need to read my story when I get to posting it :P thanks for the review!



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Points: 126
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Tue Nov 07, 2017 12:19 am
DawnLight31 says...



Crystal is defenty the best character




zaminami says...


ikr



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17 Reviews


Points: 131
Reviews: 17

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Fri Nov 03, 2017 10:49 am
wordwing says...



*Slowly claps* Are you proud of yourself?




zaminami says...


No lol




No one achieves anything alone.
— Leslie Knope