(adverb: okay
1. in a satisfactory manner to to a satisfactory extent.
"kara seems to be okay."
synonyms: "all right, fine, well, good, a-okay)
"yes, yes, i am all right.
just going to the bathroom.
i'm perfectly fine.
the snuffling and sobbing noises that you here are just
imaginary. i don't know what you're talking about,"i said as i wiped my eyes.
"yes, of course, i am perfectly fine.
my down mood is just because it's monday, tuesday, wednesdaythursdayfriday.
what, you say? it's a different day?
eh, the days just mold together, ya know?
haha, so what did you think about that test?"distract them. don't let them know.
"of course, miss teacher, i am doing well.
my strange behavior is due to how tired i am.
thank you for worrying about me, but i'm fine.
it's not a big deal. it's probably just today or this week.
that would explain why i've been down every single day."every single day for years, that is.
"yep, my day is good, it's going great.
nice to see you again, grandmother.
my life is fine -- i'm writing, drawing, reading.
what are you doing? retirement going well?
good, good, i'm glad to see that."there's no need to make her worry about me.
"about my feelings? oh, i am a-okay.
i'm pretty sure that my life is going well.
well, my grades are good, my friend life is great.
i'm talking to my parents just fine, taking my meds.
i feel a lot happier now! i think this is working!"my therapist shouldn't know that that isn't true.
it's not like any of this is going to help anyways.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hello!
This poem is great! I really like how the speaker's thoughts are crossed out.
The poem talks about how we present ourselves in front of others versus what we're actually thinking. We all want to show people that we are fine and there's no need to worry (apart from attention seekers). Actually, even the most annoying attention seeker can have the biggest problem.
We should be careful when we speak because how do we know if what we say might hurt a someone. Like some people say, "If you have nothing good to say, stay quiet."
This poem to me is very relatable and I think it's wonderful
Keep up the great work!!
- Emma
Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.
I can really relate to not letting anyone see that you are depressed or that you are going through something hard in your life. I really like how you addressed this with the definition at the top, crossing it out and using your own name as an example to show how far you are taking this facade. You're really not okay, but your dialogue seems to imply that you are. You are hiding what you really feel by striking through it like your life is just a forum post of pain and charades. I love that you use poetry to express your emotions like me, and I like how you formatted the redacted text (your thoughts) and how you made each stanza six lines; one of the truth, and five of lies.
Please keep writing more amazing and relatable poems like this one. Now I will check out some more work by you.
That's all for today. Keep writing amazing literature that inspires me to read and review them, and have a great Review Day! Let's beat the Blues once and for all!
~ZeldaIsShiek
Review time!
I like the way this is structured! I like that the narrator seems to be addressing a different person in each stanza, and that each stanza has a similar setup. It makes the poem very easy to read. The colloquial word choice also makes it easy for the reader to relate these situations to things we've said in our own lives.
While the formatting is interesting, crossing out the things that aren't said out loud, it sort of detracts from the subtlety of the dialogue-type stanzas. We can tell that the narrator is lying or that something is off without you having to tell us, so the crossed-out lines don't have too much impact. Cutting them out might leave more room for interpretation.
SlobstLikeToWrite already mentioned this, but the poem reveals the emotion in the first stanza and the rest is just an extension of that same feeling. This could be fixed just by shuffling the order of the stanzas, so that the more subtle ones, like the grandmother one, come first and the more emotional come later. This would give you some buildup and make the reader slow down and think about the poem more.
I also wanted to point out that the definition at the top doesn't seem to add much. I pretty much forgot about it for the length of the poem. It feels a little extraneous.
This was an enjoyable poem with a solid message! Just a few tweaks should give it a bit more impact that would make it more emotional for the reader!
Hey! I seem to always start my reviews this way but I'm not good a poetry... It's not my forte at all so take everything I say with a grain of salt but after reading this I felt I had something actually meaningful to say so here I am
1. GRAMMAR OR SPELLING ERRORS:
LINE 4 - "Here" should be "Hear"
2. RHYTHM?
I feel like there isn't any rhythm. Some lines are randomly really long and others are really short and there doesn't seem to be any sort or pattern.
Not saying that every poem must have rhythm to be good but rhythm is something that can really enhance a poem and make it easy to read
3. MESSAGE?
This is the meaningful stuff I was talking about earlier.
I think the number one rule that this poem/short story is breaking is "respecting the readers's intelligence"
By the first stanza I "get" what the poem is trying to say which is "Just because I say I'm okay doesn't mean I'm okay"
Which, of course, is very true and something that pretty much everybody can relate to.
However I feel like all the other stanzas are saying the exact same thing over and over again. There doesn't seem to be an arc to the poem. They're isn't a lesson learnt or a change of opinion. The idea stays constant throughout the poem which if this was a 5 lined poem would be fine but it's 5 stanza poem.
Even in the first stanza "the snuffling and sobbing noises that you here are just
imaginary" is playing this message way to hard to the reader. Let the reader slowly come to understand that what the character is saying isn't true. Don't say it to the reader so openly. Give the reader the dots and let them fill in the lines.
Imagine if you started the poem with the character explaining how good they're feeling to all the different people in their lives only for the truth to be revealed slowly as we gets hints at something darker and as the poem progresses it gets darker and darker as more truth is revealed and then ending it on the last two lines of your poem (which I think are really great lines. Gut punching)
This way there would be an arc. Something would change and the point is put across without having to say it explicitly
4. PERSONAL STUFF
I understand this feeling. I'm notorious for bottling up feelings and it kind of led to a sort of break down half way through my grade 10 year.
I think why I responded so vividly to this poem is because I can imagine "past me" writing this. I can see 14 year old me sitting at a keyboard typing away all my frustrations that people just "don't care about me" where in reality people didn't care because I never let on that there was anything wrong.
5. OVERVIEW
Basically what I'm saying is that the idea for the poem is solid but it should be more subtle about it's subject and maybe not show it's hand so early. I say this because people who hide their emotions are incredibly subtle. Their screams for help are never heard because they never properly "Scream" While in this poem it seems like the character is indeed "screaming" for help from the start.