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winter wonderland (dg's diary)

by zaminami


the sidewalk stretches in front of me, covered in snow --
snow untouched by man, by woman, by human.
but looking behind me, snow is riddled -- disfigured -- with my footprints.
it no longer looks beautiful and bright,
like my future would be.
and whenever i step, my future dies little by little and,
looking upon the past,
i realize that my life is riddled with ugly divots that
describe me, my face, my personality.
i had forgotten my coat, my protection from the outside world.
i believe that i had left it in a place long gone -- in my home.
so, stuck in my short sleeves and exposed to the jeers and gossip from the trees,
i breathe ice through my mouth and nose, breathing out my heart and soul.
i don't talk, as to not waste energy. i just walk in my unsteady high heels,
wobbling on the ice that the snow so decievebly covers up with its make-up of pristine white.
the ice is waiting for me to fall, trip, slip and make a mistake, just so it has an excuse to
laugh.
either that, or break and poke my already hurt skin with icy words, or get help from
the pavement beneath that to scrape my weak self and draw blood -- metaphorically or not.
while the grass blades, poking up from the snow from the side,
just watch in amazement or in horror but not doing anything -- nothing.
to help me, to save me.
and the trees watch too, with their frost-covered leaves to hide a frozen core,
wind whistling through and spreading the news that i had fallen.
i had messed up.
i had failed.
and looking back, i seem to have failed plenty, judging from the footprints that are slowly,
ever so slowly,
fading away from existence.


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841 Reviews


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Sun Jul 15, 2018 2:48 am
Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this imagery-rich poem about someone walling in the snow while ruminating on her past future and present. The poem does an excellent job in conveying a sense of futility or resignation. I felt empathy or compassion for the speaker and a desire to tell her to be more positive. I also felt anger at those who were supposed to help but didn’t.

The possibility of a destiny that might be victimizing humanity in the way described bothered me. I understood the tracks on the snow as being compared to the events that she has experienced and which she considers to have marred the present. The only thing appears untouched like the snow is the future upon which she will also leave tracks.

The speaker believes that the future, represented by pristine, untouched snow will also be ruined by her activities. Meanwhile trees are gossiping and jeering. This brought to mind how biblically trees are compared to people. Obviously these trees are producing bad fruitage or behavior.

Then again, the ice is described as laughing, so it seems as if the speaker considers nature itself as conspiring against her. This might be understood as blaming destiny or some deity for the situation.

The blades of grass are expected to offer help but decide not to. This might be understood as the speaker feeling betrayed, abandoned and isolated by those usually expected to offer assistance. Perhaps these would be family and supposed friends?

Things done in the past are insignificant since the footsteps she has left there are fading into non-existence.

Thanks for sharing.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Suggestions

The poem’s readability can be improved by organizing it into stanzas and using regular punctuation. IMHO


i had fallen[,]
i had messed up[,]
i had failed[.]

. . . . heart and soul. [Is there a more original way to say this?]

snow untouched by man, by woman, by human.
[. . . . by humans. ]

. . . . my already[-]hurt skin




zaminami says...


Thank you for the review!



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Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:06 pm
ZeldaIsSheik wrote a review...



Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.

Wow. This is the best poem I have ever read from you, and I believe it could be my favorite poem of all time. I love the imagery of the snow being the bright future you believed in, but once you experienced that future, your walking on it had tainted it and ruined its essence. The beauty of this poem is in its imagery, as the whole poem is literally a metaphor. Well, except the part that you said was a metaphor. This is hinting at your cutting yourself to feel better about the cold, right? But alas, opening your skin only gives you frostbite quicker.

The structure of this poem was much different from your other poetry, and it was really quite refreshing. I could not believe how well written this was and I am excited to read much more of your diaries in the near future. If you don't mind, I am going to make this into a background for my computer. The entire poem.

That's all for today. Keep writing amazing literature that inspires me to read and review them, and have a great Review Day! Let's beat the Blues once and for all!

~ZeldaIsShiek




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Tue Jan 02, 2018 2:44 am
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neptune wrote a review...



Hello! Here to drop a quick review in.

Before I start my actual review, and I'm sure you already know this, but I would like to address this anyway: I disagree completely with the review below, and that capitalization is optional and can be used depending on the author's style. I think it looks quite well with no capitalization, too; it makes the poem look raw. The author can choose whether or not to capitalize lines in a poem, and I think that can be forgotten sometimes.
Okay. I love the analogy and idea you've got going on. The concept of walking in snow and walking towards your future, slowly "eating" it up. That was interesting.

it no longer looks beautiful and bright,
like my future would be.

These two lines sound strange. Perhaps it's the wording of the second line? I think something along the lines of like the snow in front of me or like the unknown future ahead of me. I think this leaves a sense of mystery and realistic vibes, because who knows what the future will be like?
i realize that my life is riddled with ugly divots that

You've already used the word "riddled" in a previous line so I would take that out and replace it with something else.
i had forgotten my coat, my protection from the outside world.

I feel like up until this point, the poem is really poetic. Once I got to this line, the poem shifted completely. It felt much more literal -- all of the sudden we're talking about a coat? I get that it's used in a way to suggest it "protects" you but I'm not all for that analogy. The poem just seems to take a turn. It feels much more present and you begin focusing on appearance, etc. That's not a bad thing. It shifts suddenly, though. In addition to that, things are beginning to seem like you are telling, not showing. You're adding some descriptions but I don't feel as immersed as I was earlier on.
i don't talk, as to not waste energy. i just walk in my unsteady high heels,

When I first read this line, I had to look over it a couple of times. I'm confused -- why is the narrator in HIGH HEELS? There's literally snow everywhere! I get not wearing a coat, but shoes? Come on. I don't know, this just feels like a stretch. Are you trying to get the point across that the narrator is not "protected" or "prepared" for the future? I think the high heels thing was too much, though. It made everything seem exaggerated!
What I did enjoy: the ending! We transfer back into the footprint concept, which I loved from the start. You used a great technique by weaving everything together with the same idea as the first few lines of this poem. And I can definitely see the message you are trying to convey. Although at some areas you wearing slowly beginning to almost shove the message of the poem in the reader's eyes. For example, repeating lines that represented the message most.
I do acknowledge the lengthiness! It's quite thorough and isn't missing much, but could be edited and things could even be taken out!
I hope this review helps! If you have any questions please ask. :D
Happy New Year!

neptune




zaminami says...


:P this was based off of real life when I came home from a concert to pick up my siblings. I was too lazy to change my shoes (heels) and put on a jacket haha



neptune says...


Oh, haha.



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Mon Jan 01, 2018 10:27 pm
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Unidentified wrote a review...



Hey, there fellow writer. I'm here to give a piece of my mind and get you motivated. I will be honest and blunt. Please do not take anything I say to heart, but instead into consideration. Remember, this is my opinion and that's all. Anyway, review time. Great wording. I like the describing. I've seen some poems that lack that, but yours definitely does not. Now as for your stanzas, they need some work here and there. Some capitalization would also be awesome if you'd throw that in your poem too. You know what I mean? Keep up the work.




zaminami says...


the no capitalization is intentional :D



Unidentified says...


Oh, really? Okay, then. Good job, anyway.




It's a dramatic situation almost every time you answer the phone—if you answer the phone.
— Matthew Weiner