ł Ʉ₴ɆĐ ₮Ø ฿Ɇ ⱧɄ₥₳₦.
∙∙▫▫ᵒᴼᵒ▫ₒₒ▫ᵒᴼᵒ▫ₒₒ▫ᵒᴼᵒ ɿ ८૦υՆძ ცՐ૯ค੮Һ૯.ᵒᴼᵒ▫ₒₒ▫ᵒᴼᵒ▫ₒₒ▫ᵒᴼᵒ▫▫∙∙
Oº°‘¨ Ɩ ƇƠƲԼƊ ƬHƖƝƘ.¨‘°ºO
(_.`¯) Ɩ ƇƠƲԼƊ ƑЄЄԼ. ƲƝƊЄƦƧƬƛƝƊ.(¯`._)
¸.•*¨*•.¸.•*¨ ƛƝƊ ƝƠƜ MƳ ԼƖƑЄ¨*•.¸.•*¨*•.¸
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
˙uʍop ǝpᴉsd∩ sᴉ
▄︻̷̿┻̿═━一when you shot me,╾━╤デ╦︻
︻╦デ╦━━with your words,一━═┻̿︻̷̿▄
⫷Ɣᙈ ᛕɨᒪᒪℇᗪ ᗰΣ⫸
◊◊◊🅰🅽🅳 🅽🅾🆆 🅸'🅼 🅰 🅲🅾🆁🅿🆂🅴◊◊◊
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hey there, DemonGoddess! I'll hop in for a quick review!
So, this poem was quite straight to the point. Minus the formatting, of course, haha. I would say for reading purposes, the formatting was a little overboard but I bet it was fun to write and play around with.
I feel like this line is a little simple. I mean, it's obvious that you're dead if you're... shot, right? I think you could go beyond this. Talk about emotions. Sure, you're physically dead, but all the emotions are lying in the air, dead, etc. I don't know. Point is, play around more. This was too straightforward.
In addition to what I said before, try adding lines into this poem. Don't just rephrase stuff. Continue. Don't feel the pressure to stop.
I'm not a huge fan of
simply because it doesn't make sense that you're human up until you're dead? I guess you're a corpse then, but that doesn't mean when you're shot you become a unicorn or something -- though that would be cool. I think when you originally wrote this line, the message you were trying to portray slowly faded. Because, now that I think about it, the theme is a little weak. I understand how it's supposed to be dark, etc, but there is mixed messages throughout this whole piece.
Since this piece is so short, it left you little room to use metaphors and have imagery. It really lacked that. This is simple and quick. Overall, it needs some work. I enjoyed the dark mood but it was a little to short and simple. Nothing much came out of it. I'm not sure what to feel? It just seems like the message could be portrayed better.
Hopefully this helped.
neptune
oh hey you used to be me
Reminded me of this cute boy.
zzz
Haha, although it is different story.
EDITED: Rewatched it again and CRIED again. ;(
awwwwww
this reminds me of a song that i absolutely love, it's called iRobot. These are the lyrics:
I was a human, breathing and thinking
Eating and drinking, phisosiphizing
I was a human, before you killed me
And ripped my heart out, I knew what love was
Now when they ask me, I just reply slow
And sound like an iPhone
I do not know love, I am a robot
I do not know love, I am a robot
I used to know love
'Cause I had a fire, passion and desire
Now all I require are circuits and wires
Inside was an ocean of soul and emotion
Then you cut me open, now all that I know is...
I really like that song, and your poem just made me think of it and I was like,'OOOOOOHH! Ohmygod! This seems so familiar!' And then I thought of that! I don't know what about it made me remember, but all I know is that this is a really good poem! I hope you make more of these sorts of poems! They are so amazing!
I LOVE THAT SONG!! That was what inspired me to write this in the first place
What a coincidence!XD I knew there was something about your poem that was inspired by it in a way! I just love that song, it's my favorite, sometimes I would listen to it nonstop!XD But, awesome, I basically read your mind! Point One: me! Point World: 1,000,000!
I listen to it over and over too <3
Hiya! Space here for a review.
I really love the fonts, and paired with the lyrical words, I loved it.
Yes, there is one spelling error (breath instead of breathe), but I did like the usage of the question mark at "now my life?/Is turned upside down". I don't know about other people, but I just liked how nice and melodic it made it seem.
Plus, the personification of "When you shot me/With your words/You killed me". It made it seem real, if that makes sense.
Overall, the way it was written and the fonts made for a very capturing, pretty poem!
Great job!
-Space
This seems more like art of the visual variety than the literary kind. Interesting concept. How did you get all of those... those things. I'd point, but that's not really an option.
not telling
I'd say you're mean, but we both know 'evil' or 'demonic' would be better adjectives for you.
Hi Kara, Adrian here for a review
okay so this was a super interesting piece and i really enjoyed it.
i think you added so much depth to it with the different fonts you made this so much.. MORE than what i thought it would be.
but theres not too much that i can say mostly because the last review covered it all.
but with the question mark after "life" i think that was good choice, i personally thought it made it make sense in the context of this poem.
but as the last reveiw said i do think that "its upside down" would flow better, especially with the question mark after "life".
if you wanted to make "is upside down" work though, maybe consider no form of punctuation after "life".
not sure if any of that makes sense but there you go.
otherwise i didnt see anything.
have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS and a LOVELY DAY
hope to see more from you Kara
>Adrian
Hello DemonGoddess,
Here to review your piece entitled 'i used to be human' - with that generic use of no capitalisation that seems to be a recurring theme on YWS at the minute.
So from the looks of it you've attempted an 'iconicity' or 'kenning' with this particular piece - with your keyboard!! That takes some dedication.
'Breath' C'mon Kara! It's 'breathe'
'It's upside down' would sound alot better than 'is upside down' personally, but then again why would you have a question mark after the 'life' word? I would replace it with a comma because the rhetorical device just confused me personally.
I don't really want to criticise you too much because the format and originality of the poem is great, something I haven't seen before on here - keep it up
PenmanshipPriority
p.s Why did you change your profile picture What was wrong with the last one?
I changed it because the old one was for Halloween and also because Sherlock reasons.
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.
YES, you posted it! Yay!
So, I did notice a few things. After the word "Feel", a comma is needed. A few line or two needs a comma and that would be "with your words" I just loved the format that you have the poem in and if you keep this format going, that would be spectacular!
Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that you used to feel alive, in a sense. That you had your own voice and that you could understand. But then some said somethings that completely made your world flip. Your brain change with how it thought.
Overall, I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Thanks- WAIT, MERRY CHRISTMAS, I CAN SAY THAT NOW! OR HAPPY HANUKA I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
Hi Kara! Saru here for a hopefully helpful review!
I'm going to get constructive criticism out of the way first so we can get on with what was great about this.
This line isn't quite centered correctly, and it throws off the flow a little.
Did you mean 'breathe'?
Maybe instead of doing this, write 'And now my life? It's upside down' instead.
Oh, and I saw I influenced the upside down text
Earlier you said you used to be human, but you're still human if you're dead. Can you explain this
And... that's it for constructive criticism! I'm sorry I couldn't give you more help, but this was great, and I could barely find anything to fix (maybe partially due to the fact that it's so short)! I like the font choice, it gives a sense of uncomfortableness, which is exactly what this poem should be doing.
Keep writing!
~Saru
Hi Kara! Saru here for a hopefully helpful review!
I'm going to get constructive criticism out of the way first so we can get on with what was great about this.
This line isn't quite centered correctly, and it throws off the flow a little.
Did you mean 'breathe'?
Maybe instead of doing this, write 'And now my life? It's upside down' instead.
Oh, and I saw I influenced the upside down text
Earlier you said you used to be human, but you're still human if you're dead. Can you explain this
And... that's it for constructive criticism! I'm sorry I couldn't give you more help, but this was great, and I could barely find anything to fix (maybe partially due to the fact that it's so short)! I like the font choice, it gives a sense of uncomfortableness, which is exactly what this poem should be doing.
Keep writing!
~Saru
edit: whoops I didn't click the review button :/
@Flumadiddle
YAS