z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Crystal Clear Chapter 1 (again)

by zaminami


“G-O!” A pause and a clap. “G-O! gooooooo Dingos!”

Strong legs clad in black leggings bounced up and down like on a trampoline, while black and orange pom-poms were thrusted up in the air to make a swishing noise. The legs and the pom-poms were brought back down to the ground—the pom-poms had been dropped—and a clap rang around the field again. Five legging-clad legs formed a split and arms formed jazz hands, while five orange t-shirt wearing torsos and arms flung themselves in the air for a backflip. The split-legged girls picked up their pom-poms and brought them out in front of them, wiggling them around to create an effect. The ones that did the backflip held up their hands in sassy poses, not being able to do anything else with their hands. Their lipstick-covered mouths opened up to scream the classic “WOOOOOO!”

“Good job girls!” the coach, named Nora Stewart, said. She was a petite little woman, with messy, dirty blonde hair that blew around her face in the gentle wind. “Drink break!”

Several of the girls signed in relief and stood up or stooped down to grab their pom-poms, stepping off of the black pad that contrasted nicely with their white tennis shoes. One of the ones who didn’t groan was a girl named Meissa Josephine Parker—a positive girl that teachers would call a sweetheart with a bounce always in her step. Her coach described her as hardworking and one of the most valuable members of her team—who got up from her split and walked over to the oaken water bench, which the older girls had dubbed the “Birthing Bench.”

“So, Jill, are you getting to that backflip?” Meissa asked Jill, a tall Hispanic girl with curly brown hair. “I saw that you almost tripped during that last try there.”

Meissa wasn’t wrong; Jill had stumbled after not landing on her feet right. Even though both of the girls were amazing cheerleaders for their age—being in elementary school and making the middle school varsity team—Jill still had much trouble with her backflip.

They sat down on the bench while Meissa took a long swing of her drink. “Better than your singing skills, that’s for sure,” Jill teased, earning a dirty look from her best friend. “Besides, the only reason why you’re not doing the backflip is because you’re too short to be in the back.”

They did this often, I’ve noticed. They teased each other, mostly about Jill’s gymnastic ability and looks or Meissa’s height and singing skill. They were the perfect example of best friends, doing everything together. Even though they were polar opposites—one was tall and one was short, one hispanic and one Irish, one with average grades and one with very high grades in the A+ range, one with an ancient name and one with an average one—they found themselves to be perfect to one another.

Meissa’s freckles gleamed in the fading sunlight, the breeze ruffling her long, blood-red hair as she laughed. The laugh was a beautiful sound, not much unlike church bells tolling at Easter. Dimples appeared on her face as well, which would make any fifth grade boy fall in love with her.

It’s funny how smiles and laughs could become so cold in just a year.

“Alright, drink break over!” Coach Nora shouted, clapping her tan hands like a perfect cheerleader. “We’ll do one more round and then y'all are going home, ya hear me?”

“Yes ma’am!” all of the girls shouted in unison, some saluting. They ran back to their positions, white sneakers thumping against the black asphalt and onto the black mat. There, they practiced their routine again. When Meissa looked back, she was pleased to note that Jill had sticked the landing, her sneakers thumping against the mat with a quiet bump.

It was time to go home.

Meissa and Jill walked down the street towards their houses. Being neighbors, they loved to walk down the busy, cracked highway together, hand-in-hand, talking about school, gossip, and cheerleading like the ordinary fourth and fifth grader would talk about.

“Have you heard about the new kid who just moved into the school?” Jill asked Meissa when they were halfway home. By now, Meissa’s legs were burning with fatigue and it was at this point where Meissa wished she hadn’t run four times around the track-and-field to warm up.

Then she realized that Jill was talking.

“Hmm, what?” Meissa asked, and mentally slapped herself. She sounded like an idiot.

“I asked if you heard about the new kid that just moved in,” Jill said. “He’s in your grade, remember? I think his name is... Christopher, I believe? Christopher Navarrete. I saw him in the hallways, taking a tour of the school—he’s super hot.”

“You’re kidding,” Meissa said. “There’s a new, hot kid? One that’s not nerdy? Does he look like a bad boy?” She said this with too much interest, Jill noted.

“No! Not like that!” Jill shouted. She needed to steer Meissa off of that path as much as possible. She was only nine, for goodness sakes! “He’s just super hot for his age. Maybe he’s a year older than you.”

“Everyone in that grade’s a year older than me,” Meissa pointed out. “Except for Brandon, but he’s been held back two years.”

“That is true...”

The details on how Meissa somehow got straight A+’s but yet never really was observant or anything like the ‘smarter kids’ were were unknown at the time. Meissa’s explanation was that she just knew stuff somehow. She also claimed that she felt like she was cheating, but it didn’t bother her. She just... knew what the questions were going to be and how to answer them. It was like it resonated from her very soul (in her teachers’ voices, no less!) so she skipped a grade and was in the Gifted Program. Yet, fifth grade was just as hard as third grade was to her.

There was some awkward silence after that statement. Suddenly, Jill piped up: “I saw him enter Jo’s earlier. Maybe he likes bubble tea!”

“Really?” This peaked Meissa’s interest. She loved Jo’s Bubble Place; it sold the best bubble tea in Louisiana, in her opinion. “That’s interesting. We might be able to meet there someday, if you know what I mean.”

“Yeah! I might be able to hook you up with him,” Jill said, winking. “I’m pretty sure that he’s in the same lunch period as me.”

“Which means he’s not in mine,” Meissa grumbled. She pouted, her pink lipstick stretched out to reveal the skin tone underneath. “Ugh.”

“What? It’s not your fault that they mix grades in lunch periods,” Jill sighed. “It’s the administrators. They want you to meet friends from other grades.”

“Now you sound like the administrators!” Meissa laughed. This earned giggles out of all of them.

They walked for some time, laughing and joking like true friends would. They arrived in their town with arms looped around each other. When they reached the intersection that would separate them, Meissa unlooped her pale arm from Jill’s shoulder.

The sun had set by now.

“And it is here we part ways,” Jill said, bowing. Meissa didn’t get it; it was probably some line from a movie or something that Meissa didn’t get. She hated movies.

“See you later, alligator,” Meissa laughed to amuse her friend, waving. She turned around as she heard her friends’ voice:

“After a while, crocodile.”


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Sun Jul 01, 2018 9:08 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hi izanami!

Sorry it's taken me a while to get to this, but here I am to review your first chapter!

I quite like the tone that you're going for here, sort of a sleepy small town first love story, even if these characters are a little bit young. While I'm not really sure where it's going, I'm definitely curious about finding out more. I'm unsure how to pronounce Meissa's name (Mih-ssa)? (My-ssa)? I've never seen a name like that that before, so I was curious about it. Also, I just noticed this was in fantasy and now I'm intrigued.

I think the biggest thing you can work on here is showing instead of telling. There's a lot of information that you give to us that doesn't necessarily all need to come right away in the first chapter. I also had some trouble believing the dialogue in that nine years old (or anyone really) don't really talk like this.

“You’re kidding,” Meissa said. “There’s a new, hot kid? One that’s not nerdy? Does he look like a bad boy?”


I'm old so it's been a while since I was that age, but there was a lot of playful, somewhat uncertain teasing about who liked who. Friends would suggest that you liked someone before they brought them up themselves, stuff like that.

They walked for some time, laughing and joking like true friends would. They arrived in their town with arms looped around each other.


Just a quick point of clarification. The town I grew up in was adjacent to another small town. Theoretically, you could walk, but it was over a mile away, which seems a long way for girls to walk, so I was curious about this and how far they were supposed to have walked and why they don't have anyone to drive them.

I would look at the dialogue in this chapter and some of your descriptions and try to pare it down as best you can.

Good work, and best of luck! Let me know if you have any questions.

- Elinor




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Wed Jun 20, 2018 10:47 pm
zaminami says...



Ugh ignore the cheerleading paragraph.




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Fri Jun 01, 2018 3:03 pm
Danni88 wrote a review...



Hi! Danni here for a review!

OK, grammar:

gGooooooo Dingos!"

stepping off of the black pad


General nitpicks:

As @Mea says, the paragraph where you describe the cheerleaders sounds like there is a lot of disembodied limbs waving around of their own accord. Maybe change that a bit?

That's it for nitpicks!

I love the relationship between Meissa and Jill. They are clearly very close and intimate.

It's funny how smiles and laughs could become so cold in just a year.

This is my favourite sentence. I know what you mean by this because I know some of Crystal's story, but it's very good for someone who hasn't come across her before as it adds a lot of suspense.

Overall, this is great! I can't wait to find out more about Christopher and Meissa's strange powers mentioned in the previous chapter.

Keep up the good work!




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Mon May 28, 2018 4:25 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



So I've come back to review this because I stumbled across chapter 2 in the green room but felt I needed some background. It might be helpful to put a 'previously' section at the beginning of a chapter, just so people have some indication as to what is going on before they start reviewing.

I'm a little confused about the premise of this story, which is fine for the things that will get explained later on but there's one key thing that stood out for me:

No! Not like that!” Jill shouted. She needed to steer Meissa off of that path as much as possible. She was only nine, for goodness sakes! “He’s just super hot for his age. Maybe he’s a year older than you.”


This girl is only 9? It feels way too early for her to be thinking as she does, and especially for Jill to set her up.

“Yeah! I might be able to hook you up with him,” Jill said, winking. “I’m pretty sure that he’s in the same lunch period as me.”


I thought Jill was trying to steer her away from Christopher, not set her up?

So I'm still confused, but going to plough on and read the next chapter now!

Icy :)




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Sun May 27, 2018 11:10 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there, izanami! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review on this lovely review day.

Strong legs clad in black leggings bounced up and down like on a trampoline, while black and orange pom-poms were thrusted up in the air to make a swishing noise

I wasn't really a fan of this opening paragraph because it does something called something along the lines of "disembodied body parts." Basically, this is where, by making the body part the object of the sentence rather than the person/people, it creates this really weird image in the readers head of what it would look like if the body parts were doing whatever it is on their own. This, plus the passive voice of "pom-poms were thrusted" just make this opening paragraph a lot more awkward than it needs to be. As a whole, the paragraph just presented a really strange picture of cheerleading - I couldn't tell if the tone was intended to be positive, negative, or slightly disturbing.

They did this often, I’ve noticed.

So this really piqued my interest. I'm assuming it's completely intentional, and it reveals that there is some kind of omniscient narrator here who is telling the story and will also now be a character in the story. If you're going to go this route, I really hope you do go all the way and make the narrator an interesting character in his/her/their/its own right - otherwise, it will just be distracting and would be better to leave it as normal, more subtle omniscient POV. But right now, the possible presence of this narrator is definitely what most interests me.

The details on how Meissa somehow got straight A+’s but yet never really was observant or anything like the ‘smarter kids’ were were unknown at the time

Simply put, although your balance in the rest of the chapter was pretty good, this paragraph felt like too much of an info-dump.

Overall, I really like how you're developing Meissa and Jill so far. You do a good job of showing their contrasts without it feeling like they only exist to contrast each other. And although you tell us they're best friends, you also do a good job of showing it through their easy teasing and banter. I'm also assuming that the new kid who just moved in will be pretty important later, so good job seeding that early on.

And I think that's all I've got for you! Good luck with this, and keep writing!




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Sun May 27, 2018 2:59 am
kratos17 wrote a review...



I feel like it was a very good first chapter. I got into it and look forward to reading more. I loved the semicolon usuage that was correctly used, but I noticed when you did quotes that were separated with text you would put a period in between and it's suppose to be a comma (or I just been taught English wrong lol). You also used a colon to introduce one of your quotes and I believe it's suppose to be a comma. It also seemed a bit rushed, but from experience first chapters are always the hardest to put out. I enjoyed your chapter 1 so far and look forward to reading more of what you write.




zaminami says...


Actually, the periods/colon are correct! If you want me to, I can PM you a grammar lesson.




I didn't want to slow time, I just wanted to make a little rock.
— MomoMajesty's brother