Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Pink War Chapter 1

It all started when the first bomb went off in 1952. I was only 15 years old, and I was living with my five year old sister, Susan, and my 16 year old brother, John. To us, an old, run down orphanage was our home. Even though John was older than me, I was still almost a foot taller, and we had been mistaken for twins many times before. When my sister was three years old, John and I were over at my neighbor's house when a man killed our parents. He was dressed from head to toe in dark pink. All I can remember from that day is John crying and screaming, “Robert they’re gone!” We never found our parents, or their murderer. All that was left was a pink star on the wall, written with spray paint.

“No, John, they ain’t gone!” I couldn’t sleep that night, and neither could John. With all that horror permanently screwed in our minds we cried throughout the rest of the night. Our parents were gone. No they weren’t. I didn’t know what to think. My mind was saying they are, but my mouth is saying they’re not. I kneeled down next to Susan. I told her,

“Susan listen to me.” I repeated this a couple of times until she was at least a little quiet, so I knew she could listen to me. I whispered to her gently like mama used to do.

“I will never leave you Susan.” She whimpered and told me to promise. I promised. I tried to leave, but she started to cry again. I knelt down and made myself comfortable on the concrete floor. I fell asleep as soon as I hit the floor even though I was still depressed and confused. I woke up many times during the night to myself crying, Susan screaming, John breathing heavy, and I was just so uncomfortable but I stayed by Susan the whole night. I made a vow to myself that night. I vowed to find the murderer in pink.

We still had our parents house, but not for long. They kicked us out in the first month for not paying our monthly bills. I turned on the news as soon as I saw the light of day to hear that all over the country people wearing dark pink bodysuit type outfits, complete with a dark pink mask, dark pink spray paint, and other deadly weapons all dark pink. These odd and mysterious people have been murdering innocent people in creepy and disturbing ways like cutting people into pieces and dying their bones dark pink, and even cutting off their jaw and making them eat pink paint. they don’t seem to have much variation when it comes to colors, but they do with killing.

We started living on the streets left to fend for ourselves, but that was a while ago. I’m not good with time, but it has been probably more than a cycle of one year, maybe two. John is now eighteen, I am seventeen and Susan is five. I know it doesn’t sound good, but John and I beat people up for money. It was the only way to feed our starving sister. I mean if we didn’t, we would not have a chance at even living. Everyday we would run from the police and steal from stores just to survive. I feel bad but there is no choice. We got a lot of exercise though because we found a football at the park. We took turns tossing it to Susan and she enjoyed it. I could see happiness in her for once in a long time.

One day, an old woman walked up to us and asked if we wanted to live in the orphanage and get a free bed and food. This particular orphanage has a bad past because it used to be a jail. I mean it would be better there than being dead rats on the streets. Right? The strange woman was super sketchy, only wearing a dark pink raincoat and muddy jeans with holes in them. We packed into a crowded wagon full of other kids, one of them was our neighbor Nellie. Kids were crying and asking where their parents were. It was a really long and loud ride. When we got there I thought my eardrums had withered away. It was time to eat and I was so hungry but I wish I wasn’t. We were given rations which consisted of beans and gross coffee.

“This is yucky,” Susan would always say. And it really was. We were always getting sick, but we had to eat it or else we would starve. Even when we did get it down, it came right back up an hour later. All that we wanted was a better life, but we knew we were far from it. Kids were always vomiting, there was no carpet but that basically was a carpet.

The woman that brought us to the orphanage said that we would have to go to school there. None of us had ever gone to school, and we really didn’t want to start going now. We tried to argue, telling her that mama said we didn’t have to go to school, but she wouldn’t listen to us. And even though she never actually said it out loud, I could almost hear her saying, Mama isn’t here anymore, now is she.

“Attention boys and girls, school starts now in the main room.” Where is that, I thought. I asked around and got and answer. I was trying to take charge even though John was older than me. He hasn’t said much since the night it happened, but at least he is still here. I held Susan close as John and I led the way. I didn’t know much about math or writing, but I sure knew that I would never break that promise I had vowed to Susan that night long ago. We dodged beds and other kids belongings until we reached the door. I don’t think I’ve seen so many depressed kids in my life. Some were crying, some refused to talk, and some of the kids even tried to jump out the window. There was one bench for kids who couldn’t walk but the rest of us had to sit on the greasy floor. At this point I noticed everyone was watching us. What are you looking at, I wanted to say. I realized they were all wearing the same clothes, but we haven’t changed since we got here. Your lucky, I said to them in my head.

I hope that Susan, John, and I make it out of here sometime.

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Panikos
Review

Hi, izanami! I'd shorten your name to Iza, but that's actually the name of a character of mine - who, coincidentally, is a demon. But let's not get into that. This is a pretty short piece, so I'm just going to comment on it as I go along and then round off with some overall thoughts. I'll strike out anything you can delete and put suggested grammar/expression changes, if relevant, in blue. Let's get to it!

It all started when the first bomb went off in 1952. I was only 15 years old, and I was living with my five year old sister, Susan, and my 16 year old brother, John.


How do I rate this opening? Well, it gets the job done, but it doesn't really pique my interest. The subject of the bomb is intriguing in itself, but your delivery of the information is a bit on the bland side. I'm not a big fan of introducing characters by telling us about their ages. It's never the most interesting thing about a person, and it almost feels too much like you're trying to fill the reader in on details.

Reading the rest of the piece, I can't help but feel the first line is misleading, as well. If you're going to mention the bomb, you shouldn't drop the subject immediately after, because then all of the curiosity created by the opening line decays.

When my sister was three years old, John and I were over at my neighbor's house when a man killed our parents. He was dressed from head to toe in dark pink. All I can remember from that day is John crying and screaming, “Robert they’re gone!” We never found our parents, or their murderer. All that was left was a pink star on the wall, written with spray paint.


You're telling us a lot all at once. It's not easy to digest, which means that none of this (admittedly very interesting) information has the amount of impact that it should. First paragraphs are not the places for tragic backstories - leave them until later, when we're actually invested in the characters.

I didn’t know what to think. My mind was saying they were, but my mouth was saying they weren't.


Just keep an eye out for tense slippages.

I turned on the news as soon as I saw the light of day to hear that all over the country people wearing dark pink bodysuit type outfits, complete with a dark pink mask, dark pink spray paint, and other deadly weapons all dark pink. These odd and mysterious people had been murdering innocent people in creepy and disturbing ways like cutting people into pieces and dying their bones dark pink, and even cutting off their jaw and making them eat pink paint. they don’t seem to have much variation when it comes to colors, but they do with killing.


This is all still very info-dumpy, and we're yet to return to the matter of the bomb. I feel like you've opened this story in the wrong place. If you're so keen to focus on the backstory, why not actually start the story further back in time, just before the narrator's parents are murdered? It would be a perfectly good opening hook, and I think you would be able to better explore the horror of it if you wrote about the events as they unfolded. You say that 'it all started when the first bomb went off', but the conflict in the characters' lives seems to have started long, long before then.

I know it doesn’t sound good, but John and I beat people up for money. It was the only way to feed our starving sister. I mean if we didn’t, we would not have a chance at even living. Everyday we would run from the police and steal from stores just to survive. I feel bad but there is no choice.


I can't sympathise with characters unless you show me their situation first. Telling is good for summarising, but it's bad for sympathy. The situation they're in is something we have to see for ourselves.

I'm going to round the review off here because all of my potential criticisms seem to hone in on one thing: you're telling what should be shown. This opening has enough content in it to fill an entire novel, yet you're trying to tackle it all in a handful of paragraphs. The way I see it, you have two main options.

1) Start the story earlier and turn the backstory into the novel. It's certainly eventful enough to work as a story in its own right, and the fact that you're focusing on it so much suggests to me that you're more interested than that than whatever the main storyline is.

2) Forgo the backstory until later. Start the story where it starts, with the bomb falling. Backstory is not a good way to open a novel because it's inactive. Readers want a scene to engage with, a scene where they can feel the threat and the jeopardy pressing in on them. Hold back on all of the information in this chapter and leave it for a later time, when the reader is actually invested in the characters and wants to know more about how they got into that situation. Backstory is best delivered when the audience is absolutely burning with questions about the current story.

Nevertheless, you certainly have a good tangle of really interesting ideas. I'm perplexed and intrigued by the idea of the pink-clad killers and what their motive is, and I do love a story that focuses on a tight-knit group of siblings. You just need to work on untangling those ideas and getting them across in a way that brings out the best in them.

I hope this helps! Happy review day to you.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

this actually isn't mine haha this is my friend's. He's a bit of a beginner and asked me to put this on here and since I had points to burn, I agreed :D

also, people are calling me Zami at the moment just because, so you can call me that if you want haha.

thanks!

Ahh I see! Well, I hope it helps him :)

ahahaha let's see if it does :D

User avatar
neptune
Review
neptune wrote a review · Sun Feb 25, 2018 3:12 am

Hey there, Izanami (and friend)! I saw this new fantasy chapter and it looked intriguing, so I thought I'd give it a review! Hopefully my feedback helps your friend out! :D

In the very beginning introduction paragraph, we dive in to some backstory of these children. Although background description is essential to a novel, it doesn't have to always be in the first paragraph. For me, it wasn't info-dumpy, but some of the information seemed almost irrelevant for the very beginning of a novel. For example -- the height of John and Robert (the main character?) wasn't all that necessary. With the scattered thoughts at the beginning of this chapter, I got a little confused. It felt a little rushed when all the of the sudden the MC dives back to the past, when their parents were killed. Instead, I would slowly transfer over to the past and describe the moment their parents were killed, with a little more emotion as well. I got lots of feelings from John, but not Robert. Susan also wasn't mentioned in this scene, which leaves me to wonder where she was at the time?

I have a basic question: how do they know their parents were murdered, if there was no trace of them? Was there any evidence that they were killed? Also, how did they know the murderer was wearing pink? Did they see him/her?

It appears as though the ages got mixed up throughout the story. At the beginning, John was 16, Susan was 5, and Robert was 15. When we get to the middle of the story, John is 18, Susan is 5, and Robert is 17. I'd just suggest to clarify the ages around here, because it's getting a little confusing.

We got a lot of exercise though because we found a football at the park.

This seems kind of irrelevant to the story, and the paragraph in which you were talking? Like, it kind of swerves completely off topic to what was just being discussed, and it makes it hard for me to grasp on to all of these things at once and really capture every moment. I understand how it represents that there was still happiness in their lives through all of the harsh conditions, but it could be introduced in a more natural way, in my opinion.

We started living on the streets left to fend for ourselves, but that was a while ago.

This whole paragraph (this is the first sentence of it) switches tense back and forth, which makes it difficult to understand when this is supposed to be. Is your story going to be past/present tense? This is important to determine early on in your story so it does not confuse the writer or the reader in future chapters.

This particular orphanage has a bad past because it used to be a jail.

This kind of looks like telling, not showing. I feel annoying whenever I tell writers to show, not tell, but it is actually important in developing good writing habits. Some of the sentences here are getting a little short and non-descriptive. This article does a great job of explaining why 'showing' is a better alternative to 'telling'. It gives very good techniques to improve showing. I'd recommend giving it a look, it might end up useful to you!

Kids were always vomiting, there was no carpet but that basically was a carpet.

In spots like these, you're getting so close to having a good, descriptive metaphor. It just needs to be reworded, so it's not as blunt and straight to the point. For example, something like "Kids were always vomiting, the [wood] floor soon turned into a carpet of vomit." Something that uses flowing words.

Your lucky, I said to them in my head.

*You're, common mistake, haha.

Since this seemingly was mostly backstory, I'd overall suggest to add more detail and descriptions to the characters to make them seem real to the reader. This first chapter has had a lot of chances to describe them, so I'd go back and start to develop them even more. If I'm living in the view of the main character (Robert?) it's helpful if I can envision my surroundings, and the appearance of him.

I love the concept of this! The idea of pink playing a role in murder/crime is intriguing, to say the least! There's a lot of mystery to uncover with this family of three -- definitely leaving me with some questions, which is great. With some dedication, this could go really far. Even if my review didn't seem helpful, I hope my opinion opened your eyes to some improvement (as there is always room for improvement)! This was a good start to a novel, and good luck with the future of it, and happy review day! <3

o wowo i didn't see this thanks for the review my dude

User avatar
zaminami
Comment

Author's Note:

This is not mine. This is my friends'. :D they can't go on YWS so they asked me to post it :D



I'm so confused I've Turned To erratic Capitalisation?
— JustMeBeingMe