Young Writers Society

-sweet and simple

What about Bose-Einstein Condensates? I expected more from you.

DemonGoddess
Hi, I am Ishan212 and I am here to review your work solid liquid gas plasma (part three of "depression")

Yours was a really really good poem.
Means comparing depression with the states of matter!
It is really an appreciative idea. Hats off for it.

It could have been a bit better.
You may have formatted it a bit; you may have used capitals in the beginning of every paragraph.

You could have made this poem even better by also including the BEC state. I hope you know about it, it's the Bose-Einstein Condensate. You could have compared it with state of complete depression, when the person is unable to do anything. Anything. You know depression patients not bathing for days, not brushing their teeth, not having food ....... .

I read that you wrote it in about three minutes. Wow . Sometimes this happens, we are able to express best of our feelings into poems just like that. Without any efforts, it just translates into paper. It happens with me too, a lot of times.

A very creative idea!!!
A fantastic poem!!!
Keep Writing!!!

Thank You
Ishan212

Hey there DemonGoddess! Arcticus here to review your poem.

I like poems that revolve around a single idea, circumambulating around some central theme, like this one. What we have here is a very elemental idea - on the surface, we see mentions of the states of matter, but the narrator draws parallels between them and herself as a way to reveal something about herself, which adds depth to it. We know what you're going to talk about - the motifs of solid, liquid, gas and plasma. But you make us curious as to what you're going to reveal next.

The narrator- she is solid because she's stubborn and unmoving; she's liquid because she finds herself being dragged by the flow of things, compromising who she is in the process; she's gas because looks for escape and then she's plasma because she's tapering off. I picture her as an angsty teenager, trying to finish a Chemistry assignment.

This is a poem too sweet and simple to be dissected too much. It sounds like it was scrawled on the back of a classroom notebook, and I think that's where its honesty and charm lies. What you could try improving is minor things like making the imagery more evocative.

For instance, the use of "unmoving" and "vibrating" to describe the same thing is sort of contradictory. Maybe it isn't really contradictory, poetically speaking, but there's a contrast between the two images that doesn't fit as well as it could, if it had been worded differently.

In the gas stanza, "running away" could be described more fluidly by something like "escaping away", for the sake of consistency. It's easier to picture something gaseous escaping, diffusing and slipping away rather than running away. I know I'm taking things to literally, but hey, in the end, imagery is made up of words, so by using more evocative words, you can create more evocative imagery.

That's all I had to say. Keep writing and keep being the goddess of demons.

Best,
Arc.

Hi DemonGoddess. You used the four states of matter, namely solid, liquid, gas and plasma to express your feelings as a human being. This shows a change of feeling from being controlled to being free. You have used a number of literary devices, personification, onomatopoeia, just to list a few. The use of short phrases for each lines portrayed your message clearly. This poem shows a great sense of imagination because it is not easy to imagine ourselves as the four states of matter. It is quite abstract. You have done a great job by changing a abstract idea to concrete feelings. I just don't quite understand the phrase "making up my own star". In my opinion, it means trying to create a sense of belonging of yourself. I am not so sure because (no offence) that phrase is vague. Anyway, the poem is making people few curious of why do you feel like that when you describe yourself as the four states of matter. It is not a good image of depression though but it shows sadness and confusion which is very near to depression. Good job! Hope you can write more poems in the future. Looking forward!

Hey I am Noelani. I hope you don't find these review offensive. I see that in your poem you are trying to explain who you are, but I don't understand why you changed your personality type from flowing like watering trying to fit in, to stubborn and unmovable. Here what I don't understand if your so stubborn and unmovable how are you able to move and flow like water in order to fit in. It really isn't a bad poem at all, I mean I get what you're trying to say, I'm just being picking because this is after all an interview. Ith all this said you are a wonderful writer and I hope you continue writing.

Hello DG , as a science enthusiast myself reaaaaaaaally liked the metaphors for the states of matter.

But as a matter of fact (no pun intended) i really find it odd you didn't continue the two word description of the state of matter like you did at the beginning.

"i

am solid.

stubborn, unmoving"

i think it would've been clever if you had kept it going with

" I am Liquid unstable, rare" or something like that .

regardless super nice , good work.

Please note that the most beautiful poems I have ever written have flowed from my subconscious full-blown in minutes and have needed little or no review. So I personally don't judge a poem by the amount of time that the poet has spent on it.

Sometimes a poet will spend hours on a poem and it still won't work because he is not writing under emotional motivation or doesn't really feel inspired by the subject matter. In such cases poetry comes out sounding forced and mechanical.

That having been said, I like your poem's comparisons of a human personality with wind, solid, gas, fluid and, plasma and how you explain them as relating to interpersonal interactions.

If there is indeed one suggestion I would make it is to delete the word "änyways".
The image it conveys of the speaker negative because it is ungrammatical and goes counter to the intellectuality of the rest of the poem's vocabulary. It is similar to a professor giving a speech and suddenly saying "ÿous guys" or "Know what I mean bro?".