Istood, my feet in the wind-swept snow, staring at the frost that had turned the river into Mother Nature's art project. Shuffling closer, I could see the small, white sparkles that reflected the sun that was barely peeking through the silvery clouds. A blizzard is coming tonight. The weathergirl had said that there would be several feet of snow. I didn't believe the weathergirl. There hadn't even been any signs of the blizzard; no sudden chills, high winds, or days where I couldn't even get to a taxi because of visibility. No, everything was as clear and as nippy as an autumn day.
I turned to my right and trudged alongside of the frozen river, my black boots providing a nice contrast to the glittering snow. No sign of humanity anywhere. The ashy air that required horrendous gas masks gave way to clear, crisp oxygen that made its way to your lungs peacefully. The oil and gas that spewed out of cars wherever I looked made way for wistful snow dunes and light breezes. The tall city skyscrapers with their light pollution fell for the large, sugar-coated fir and pine trees lining where I now stood.
No, nothing at all. It was just me and Mother Nature, dressed in a sweeping ivory furs and her pine needle necklaces; me in my olive sweater and teal jeans and the too-big crimson winter coat. I smiled at Her, hoping that She didn't catch the too yellow-and-black teeth that I now sported ever since the government banned fluoride for its toxicity two months ago. I closed my mouth, embarrassed, and ran my somewhat swollen tongue against the backs of my teeth.
I turned a corner and a welcome sight greeted me of two children. One was a seemingly awkward black-skinned boy, dressed in a colorless chiton that blew in the low breeze. The other was a beautiful girl with bleached skin, dressed in a ragged black cloak (I couldn't help but notice that the cape, nor the hood, blew in the breeze, while her short white hair did). I sighed in relief. Even if they were strange looking—whomever had heard of an African-American with ginger hair?—I was glad that there were humans that still cared about places like this.
I dragged myself towards them. As I got closer, I realized that the ginger-haired boy's robes were in golden patterns that seemed to change non-stop; at one moment, there were trees decorating it. Then, deer. Then, humans dancing around an embroidered fire. I stared at the patterns, feeling hypnotized. A crunch of snow startled me out of my trance. The strange girl had taken a step forward in bare feet.
"I'm Bella," she said, holding her hand out for me to shake. Her fingernails were claw-shaped and looked like it had a fungal infection. "But you can call me Donna." I shook her hand and grinned at her high voice.
In the back of my mind, something faint told me that her name and nickname somehow went together, and not in the best way. However, Donna gave me a flattering smile that people would see in toothpaste commercials and all thoughts went out of my mind.
However, before I could say my own name, the other child also stuck his hand out. "I'm Vivian," he exclaimed in a slightly lower voice. He had knobbed hands, like an older person with arthritis. "Donna's older brother." He shot his sister a smirk that soon faded away when she ignored him while gazing intently at my face. Before I could shake his hand, he pulled it away. I furrowed my eyebrows at him, put off by his rudeness. I opened my mouth to ask where their parents were, but got interrupted.
“Do you like this place?” Donna asked me, rocking on her heels. “I think that it’s super pretty, with the fir trees and the snow and everything.” She gave me another flattering smile, winning me over. I glanced at her hands again. Why did I think that she had infected fingernails? They were a pristine cream color that I would see in the ads back at the city. Glancing back at her face, I nodded.
Unlike Donna’s confident demeanor, Vivian stood there awkwardly. He picked at an old scar on his left elbow and poking at the faint freckles that had populated themselves there. Suddenly, he looked up at me and smiled. “Hey, do you want to see something cool?” he asked me with childlike wonder. “I know something that’s super awesome over the river.”
“But I do too!” Donna shouted out of the blue, as if to compete with her brother. “I had forgotten until now,” she explained with a shy voice. “How about if we go on the other side?” She pointed towards a grove of trees on the opposite side. “There’s something that I want you to see, even more than Vivian does!” She shot me yet another room-brightening, becoming smile. “Let’s go there!”
I looked back and forth between the disinterested, scab-picking Vivian and the beautiful, excited Donna that was jumping up and down with glee. Instantly, I knew my decision. I lifted my finger and pointed to Donna, who pumped her fist in the air. “Come with me!” she proclaimed, and proceeded to began to almost glide on the snow, for lack of a better word. I followed post-haste, though with far less grace.
Step by step, second by second, I trudged faster to keep up with Donna's speed. Snow-heavy pine trees loomed over me and laughed at my efforts; roots stuck out to trip me, branches to smack me in the face, and sudden groves of conifers to block my view. Every time—all the time—when I managed to fight my way through, Donna was further and further away. I ran out of breath quicker than I should have (I work an office. I don't exercise!). Soon, I had lost my gorgeous guide. I searched for her all I could, through a desperate hallucination that blurred my vision with tears. The red-hot burning in my thighs and shins rapidly overcame the rest of my body. Utterly exhausted, I dropped to my knees—going through several inches of freezing snow—and began to sob. No one could help me. I was alone.
(I'm lost I'm cold I'm hungry I want to go home please)
Body shaking, I looked up. I had landed in a clearing framed by a blockade of conifer trees, rustling in the smooth breeze. The illusion of laughter came in small, giddy bursts from the trees and the branches. However, as the last breeze died down, there was nothing. Silence.
Never had I truly known what true silence sounded like. My city-covered world contained little to no nature, except for rare gems like this one. As for me, I lived in the New York area, where the cities were especially thick. My whole life was cars, and sirens, and construction noises. The only noise that I could hear now, however, were my own labored breaths.
I slowly stood up, not wanting to stay in this copse of trees any longer. However, I heard a crunching noise. I gasped softly and turned around.
Hansel and Gretel's terrible witch stood in front of me. Her wrinkle covered face outlined her hollowed cheeks. The smile that she wore was black and yellow (like mine) and had what looked like maggots crawling all over it. She stuck out her hand for me to shake. "It's me, Bella," the hag creaked. "Belladonna. Don't you recognize me?" I couldn’t breathe or move or think, except for the futile thought that I hadn’t grown older at all.
Instead, my mouth dropped open by its own free will, but I couldn't make myself scream for help. I could just stand and shake in horror and the witch opened her mouth and shambled towards me. Her jaw unhinged and, in a blink of an eye, was over my head. I stared at her neck, which had elongated into a snake’s body. The rotten meat smell engulfed me. I gagged, a feeble noise, as she widened the jaw and closed it around my neck.
"Poor Mara Kennedy,” was the last thing I heard before my lights went out. “Next time, you shouldn't discriminate the awkward boy with the knobbed hands, aye?"
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Hiya, zaminami! Just dropping in to review this.
Small Comments
Ignoring the missing space there, I'm not really sure how to feel about this opening line. For one thing, I think it could be more concise. 'I stood in the windswept snow' would be better than 'I stood, my feet in the windswept snow' in my opinion, because their feet have to be in the snow if they're standing in it.
I'm also not sure about the 'Mother Nature's art project' part. It just feels like a dodgy simile, because...why would Mother Nature have an art project? Art project makes me think of kids at school with glue sticks and messy watercolours. Mother Nature makes me think of a deity. The concepts don't really gel.
Watch your tenses. The rest of the piece is in past.
Hmm, two months doesn't feel like long enough for the teeth to rot black. And a lack of fluoride doesn't necessarily mean your teeth will decay - just the act of brushing your teeth, even without toothpaste, removes a lot of grime and plaque.
I loved this small detail. Did you mean 'knobbled' or 'knobbly', though?
Don't tell me the narrator is being won over, show me. Does that smile bring warmth to their chest? Are they unable to stop themselves from smiling back?
Overall Thoughts
This story definitely captured my interest, and by the time the strange children appeared you really had me hooked, but I can't help but feel that it's a bit...confused? You've got lots of elements at play in this story and none of them seem to fit together that strongly. From the first few paragraphs, I assumed this was going to be a nature v.s. technology sort of story, because you lean rather heavily on criticism of pollution and put a lot of emphasis on Mara's love of nature. But that basically disappears as the story goes on and doesn't play a significant role at all. There's no reason for Mara to talk about the city at all, really - if you didn't, and if Mara was just a random person on a snowy walk, the story wouldn't be affected.
The introduction of the creepy children is really cool and created a lot of suspense, but that feels a bit confused too. I don't get the point you make at the end, about Mara discriminating against the other boy? Who even was the other boy? What would've happened if she'd gone with him? I didn't really understand that at all. Rereading it, I can see that you were trying to create a sense of competition between Donna and Vivian, but it was too easy to overlook in a first read-through and doesn't come across strongly enough. I assumed that the pair of them were in it together, plotting as a pair to lead her astray, given that they present themselves as siblings. It didn't occur to me at all that they were trying to lead her in different directions, and nor did I get the impression that Mara was 'discriminating' against Vivian - it just seemed that she was more taken with Donna. So that aspect of the story didn't really work for me.
I like the idea in outline, though. I dig the creepiness and the classic tale of someone slowly losing their grip on reality and being lead away to die. The fact that it takes place in such a beautiful setting makes it grimmer still, and there's something inherently unnerving about the silence and reverence that snowy forests inspire. I just think you need to think more critically about how to streamline the story and how all of the separate elements link together. I was expecting some kind of dramatic irony to come of the fact that Mara loved nature so much and hated the city, but nothing really did. You need to find a way to balance the nature aspect with the creepy aspect or otherwise do away with one of them. And as I've said, make the opposing roles of the children more evident. I do really love the idea of the protagonist having to choose to trust one of the two children and making the wrong choice. But that only works if we feel like there's a choice being made.
I think that's all I've got for this one. If you want me to elaborate on anything, please do ask!
Keep writing!
~Pan
Oh g o s h thanks this is a lot
Hello, I see that you mentioned fixing mistakes. So I am here to maybe help you with another round of revising! My strategy here will be to go paragraph by paragraph and tell you what I think!
Paragraph 1
First of all, I notice that you made a mistake typing. You made I and Stood one word. Oops... Well, it happens to the best of us. I liked your imagery and use of figurative language. Telling the reader that it was as nippy as a autumn day really gives them something to relate to! Good job
Paragraph 2
I loved this. You chose here to take your story in a different direction than I expected you to. I would maybe describe the pollution more here. It would be cool if you could talk about the smog and maybe ashes falling like snow.
Paragraph 3
In this paragraph there was one sentence that really stood out to me.
"I smiled at Her, hoping that She didn't catch the too yellow-and-black teeth that I now sported ever since the government banned fluoride for its toxicity two months ago."
This was for two reasons. First of all, in this sentence she and her should not be capitalized, if you want to be technical. I would also change this into two sentences because it seems to be a bit long. Maybe change it into something like this?
" I smiled at her, silently hoping that she did not catch a glimpse of my yellow-and-black teeth. I have been sporting them ever since the government banned fluoride for toxicity a few weeks ago."
I am a bit short on time, but I will be back to review the rest! Have a wonderful day Zaminami. Keep writing.
-Anne
Actually, capitalizing "her" and "she" was on purpose, to show how godly Mother Nature is to Mara
thanks!
I was not sure, so I thought I would point it out, just in case
You v good
@alliyah @Mea I fixed most of the mistakes if you want to review again