Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
She couldn't process it, the screaming, the blood, the red that covered her vision. She couldn't comprehend the fact that she couldn't do anything, what with her hands, head, legs, and torso stuck to her throne. She couldn't fathom that all of her richer subjects -- the subjects that provided the main source for the tax industry -- were getting slaughtered in front of her face.
This frustrated her.
Princess Thalia knew that she needed to grasp the situation, try to escape. She needed to help her subjects in any way possible. She knew this. She knew...
But as she struggled, as she screamed along with the dukes and duchesses and the better-off people of her kingdom in pain, as she tore her lungs apart, as she pulled on her invisible restraints with all of her might, them cutting into her skin and drawing blood, she could not, would not escape.
The princess stopped struggling, gasping for breath. It hurt her torn-up esophagus. She felt pain in her ankles, wrists, torso, and forehead as well. She knew that that was where her restraints were holding her. They were weeping blood profusely, matching the water that had formed in her eyes.
No! She cannot cry, not now!
Thalia gritted her teeth and forced her eyes to stop producing salty water, even though they were filled to the brim. She will not cry in front of her subjects. She will show them to be strong even when they are faced with death.
Then suddenly all of the voices stopped. She could still see her subjects screaming and pleading for forgiveness, relayed by getting stabbed through or struck by a sword or a mace. She can still see the bloodstains that covered the walls and floor, and the bodies that lay everywhere -- oh, everywhere -- on the ground, against the wall. But all of it was muted, like she was watching it through a sound-proof window.
Thalia Dreborn.
She couldn't turn her head towards the whispery voice, but she attempted anyway. More blood cried from the wound on her forehead, starting to go inside of her eyes. Red overcame her even worse than it already had. She returned to her original position, attempting to block out the pain.
You cannot block it. Even you are not strong enough.
The voice spoke the truth. Thalia couldn't handle the pain much longer. It felt like someone was killing her over and over again, flaying her head, hands, ankles, torso with a whip covered in rhinestones.
You cannot hide from this.
Thalia couldn't tell whether the voice was male or female. It was just whispery and annoying, more than anything. She wasn't used to voices in her head, subjects dying in agony, her parents off Yggrin knows where. She was used to tutors, and pretty dresses, and boring council meetings. Why does this happen to me? I'm not the person that should deal with this! I want my life back! I want my old life back! I'm sorry that I ever wished that I didn't have my life!
You'll never be able to help if you act and throw a fit like a child.
"I'll never be able to help," Thalia tried to say. She couldn't hear it, but she knew that she had at least mouthed it.
Sure you will. You only need to be patient.
"Patient?! How can I be patient?! My people are dying right here, right now! Not later!
More will die if you do not heed my word-
"I DON'T CARE! I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT!"
Patience, child!
"NO!"
Patience!
"NO!"
Patience! Patience!
"NO!"
BE PATIENT! BE PATIENT! PATIENCE!PATIENCE!PATIENCE!PATIENCE!PATIENCE!
As the voice screamed that word over and over again, pressing it into her mind. She couldn't take it anymore. No! NO! Her vision, not just her hearing, was starting to get messed up. She... she... her eyes. She couldn't see through all of the red. She couldn't see. She can't see! Her vision! It was turning white! She can't- she can't see! And as white overtook the red, she screamed her final word:
"NO!"
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hey there! Woah, this is really good am I'm seriously interested in your story now.
Well first for the ever boring nitpicks and suggestions:
Queen did mention this, but it just seriously irked me so I have to say that this line could be so much better. You build up all this wonderful tension and interest in the first paragraph, but her I just felt it all slip away. It makes your character seem to go from caring, to practically careless in seconds.
This is a wonderful description, but just one singular, very long, sentence. Run on?
So she's very hurt, but maybe instead of telling us that maybe describe more. I think you could leave the second part as is because sometimes too much showing gets annoying, but the first sentence could be more interesting. Even just a stronger word to replace hurt would help.
English is weird, and although technically there is nothing wrong with this it is hard to read.
Nothing wrong with this, I just think maybe using would instead would be nice, it makes her sound more determined and strong.
Why do you switch, I think you should stick to could.
This wording just feels funky to me.
Just a funny coincidence: when I got to this part the music I was listening to had this wording exactly in its lyrics, so yeah that was odd.
I actually disagree with Queen about the description before this, it feels right to me, although Thalia thoughts seem too whiney. I think maybe downplaying that slightly and make her seem a little more desperate would make it fit better.
I like the ending, but I agree it could be made just a bit stronger.
Woah this was so so so amazing. It's dramatic and interesting, although I'm wondering why it's a prologue and not the first chapter because it certainly could be. I have lots of questions, mainly why are people dying? This is literally the best thing I've read in a while.
By the way sorry if my review seems harsh (I think it kinda is), but I only made it like that because your work is already so good. That makes sense right? No? Yeah, probably not.
Anyway, I hope this review is helpful to you in your writing endeavors.
Sláinte -Junel
pfft my reviews are a lot harsher. don't beat yourself up about it.
thank you for the review! this is a prologue because the entire rest of the story is from another person's point of view, though Thalia becomes important later on
Interesting, I can't wait to see where this goes.
XD okay
Why have you done this? I need to sleep! Pardon me if this review is rather sedate.
Thalia seems like a pretty cool character, and I imagine that in a calmer moment her character would be really fun to read. This scene is sort of chaotic, but in a good way. Even if it doesn't reveal much about our characters, I feel like it's a good hook and I definitely want to keep reading. The quick repetition at the end really sold the panic.
Alright, so first thing I notice are some mismatches in tone.
"This frustrated her."
That's a very mild assessment of the situation. That's fine if Thalia is a very mild character, but not if she's screaming her lungs out at the same time.
"Thalia gritted her teeth and forced her eyes to stop producing salty water."
"Producing salty water" just doesn't fit here.
I understand you haven't edited much yet, but be on the lookout for those things when you go back because there are several.
"She was used to tutors, and pretty dresses, and boring council meetings. Why does this happen to me? I'm not the person that should deal with this! I want my life back! I want my old life back! I'm sorry that I ever wished that I didn't have my life!"
This description of her prior life is sort of out of place and distracting. The juxtaposition is good, but I feel it could have been conveyed better, without pulling the reader out of the scene.
I also feel like the last couple lines weren't as dramatic as they could have been compared to the rest of it. "She screamed her final word" puts the story back in orderly narrator mode, and sorta clashes with the chaos just before.
I disapprove of prologues in general, since I like to get right into the action. I really just hope we get to see more of Thalia, because, as I said, she seems chill.
I'm gonna get some sleep and you should too. Happy New Year.
I need to sleep to but what is sleep
Author's Note:
I rushed this and I was tired so it's definitely not my best work. I'm definitely keeping the scene, but I definitely need to work on the ending. I just am increasingly tired, so be harsh and whatever.
@Flumadiddle @MJTucker @WhosabellCanWrite @LJF
OMG YOUR AVATAR YES