Alright izanami, I've reviewed your paper.
So, I'm going to preface this review with saying that I'm an English Major out of College. I have my BA so I've been writing papers a LOT longer than you probably have been, and I've also studied rhetoric, so I've been studing how to argue in college. That's going to put me a bit outside of your curb of likes.
With that said, I'm going based off of a five paragraph essay where your teacher wants Introduction, transition, Body 1, transition, Body 2, transition, Counterpoint, Transition, Conclusion with the transitions imbedded into their respective paragraphs.
The major problem I saw with your paper is a good problem to have because most of the heavy lifting is overwith. You write well. That's a blessing for writing papers for school. You don't need more than a few pointers on ONE peice of punctuation, your capitalization is good, and the paper reads smoothly aside from one or two spots.
Your problem is transitions. That being said, it's going to feel like I'm ripping your paper up and chewing it for breakfast because I'm used to having good transitions. I've added a lot of suggestions for how to transition to give you examples. I am giving you written permission to use them as I used your ideas to create them, but you might want to rephrase them just for the sake of sounding like yourself. Any words you don't know, don't use.
And on that note, here are MY notes on your paper. I wrote these while reading and I stopped after every paragraph to critique, or sometimes in the middle if it was a rough paragraph and I needed time.
So, we don't really have a good opening paragraph here. Not in my opinion anyway. You jump right into a story rather than inviting in the reader with stating a name, but we don't know anything about why we should care about this name. For me, that's not enticing. Then as we go through the story you undermine your authority by explaining that Kara is lonely because she 'puts out negative energy' which sounds sort of like a hokus pocus science rather than a truth.
I don't think you should start out with trying to explain why she is feeling negative or how she doesn't have friends. Instead of analyzing Kara, introduce her situation in a more developed manner.
In an argumentative essay every quote or anicdote, which is what this is, should follow the pattern of introduction, support, rephrasing. Here, we're missing our introduction. It won't take much to fix, just a line like "Young people today are incresingly dependant on technology for situations like mental health, and development. Repealing Net Neutrality threatens that aid. One person who may suffer due to the repeal of Net Neutrality is 'a child in America who suffers from depression, social anxiety, and various other mental disorders. Her name is Kara.'" and go from there. The introduction makes it sound less like a novel and more like an argumentative paper where you want what you're arguing for or against up front. You want them thinking about the situation you're arguing for right in their face all the time. Here, you have a bit of a msytery show until the end of the paragraph which is far too late. It's good for a conclusion and a transition, but it's too late for an introduction paragraph.
It also makes the jump to Net Neutrality startling because I thought this paper was going to be an argumentative paper for everyone having access to computers or phones year round, and instead, it's about Net Neutrality. If you introduce Net Neutrality in the first sentence or two, you're going to have a more connected audience.
Onto body paragraph one. Here, you are jumping into your support without a transition. I have a hard time following your logic when you say that the economy is going to nosedive due to the repeal of net neutrality when the economy isn't run by poor people, it's just run by the rich. The balance already doesn't exist, and it will continue to grow but that's not going to ruin the economy. The economy will grow due to the larger corperations investing more, but a large economy doesn't mean there's no suffering.
That being said, your body paragraph assumes a lot is already going on, when in reality, AT&T and Verison, or any other internet provider, have yet to actually wheel out any new charge plans based on the repeal of net neutrality. Your paper makes it seem as though right now if I were to google "bad AT&T meme" I would get a pop up window saying "To view this website, you must pay $20 more a month." That's just not the case. In fact, that's not how it's going to work either. Net Neutrality protected our ability to access all websites at the same rate of download. At&t didn't have control over how fast we downloaded one website vs another. Now, they do. They can say 'If you want to watch Youtube, you'll have to wait' but the information will still be accessable. They can't just turn off certain websites because it's not a part of their company. The only thing they can do is make you wait hours and hours to connect to the page.
Right now your argument feels weak as well because you hold your punches. Put the University of Delaware information up front, and use a direct quote from it. Right now I'm not sure what "for this reason" is actually referring to and I'd love to hear the statistic. It should look something like "According to the University of Delaware in the article “What's at the Stake for Content Creators of the Net Neutrality Debate?”, the author states '81% of people disagree paying the ISPs for [reason].' [jump into paraphrasing the article]." This will help convince people that what you're saying is accurate [as you can see, I'm not exactly convinced] since you'll sound like you've done some research by reading an article from the University of Delaware.
Alright, the next pararaph is pretty good, but you've GOT to USE Transitions! "Now" might be a transition word, but I want more from you. Introduce your next argument point with something like "Now that net neutrality is repealed, website discrimination will become a problem." You should always have at least a sentence before any quote you use. The sentence should introduce why you are using the quote. After the quote, cap it off with a paraphrase, or a rephrase of your quote to follow the thought from why you used it to how it's applicable to your situation even if it's obvious. That's because not everyone will read the quotes the same, and they need to for you to make a concrete argument.
Okay, I just looked at the first "sentence" in the next paragraph and I need to catch my breath XD. Okay. colons. : Colons are used when you're making a list ; semi-colons are used when you're making a definition or adding a sentence into another sentence like you did here. You don't use a capital letter at the beginning of the connected sentence.
That aside, Transition!!!!!! Transition us from "Website discrimination should be decresed at all costs" into "Freedome of speech; the ability to say waht we want to say." and please, please, make your transition explain why you're telling us that.
Oh, okay. I continued reading. So, a good transition there would be something like "Aside from the right to the persuit of happiness, freedome of speech is also threatened by the repeal of net neutrality. The Freedom of Speech is the ability ...".
Aside from the lack of transitions into the quotations, looks good.
YESSS I'M SO HAPPY YOU HAVE A COUNTERPOINT <3333
I found a weird sentence. Here it is in quotes. "The higher prices aren’t nearly as much as paying for certain websites to access" this is awkward. "The higher prices aren't nearly as much as it would be to pay to access to certain websites"? I don't like that either. It's clunky. Rephrase it. The rest of your paper is better than this. Suggestion: "The higher prices with net neutrailty are only one or two dollars, which is far cheaper than having to pay to access certain websites."
who is they? If you don't have a direct source, don't use quotations. Instead, introduce it like "Some argue that" or "The argument has been made that"
Alright, last comment from my read through: BEEEEEF UP your conclusion please.
I want you to go through your arguments in a sentence each for your conclusion. It should be at least as many sentences as your paper is paragraphs, that's intro to conclusion!
THAT BEING DONE!
If you need help, want to chat, or just want to scream at me for eating your paper alive because it's due tomorrow and you have no time for these corrections, feel free to send me a PM!
-please don't hurt me.- >.o
Points: 1883
Reviews: 806
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