Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

~ your old friend (part 1)

black and red, sang the

colors of our heads.

mine was red, like the sunsets

of miami.

yours was black, like your

namesake, “raven”.

--

my hair was as scarce as the

pink emeralds one would find in

a queen’s jewelry box.

but it never shined in the sun;

it kept a dull pencil sheen.

and yet, it still was illuminated

by the sunrise before us.

--

your hair was as common

as coal; as normal as

us.

but oh, how it glittered so,

whilst exposed to the sun

by day and the moon

at night.

--

streams of giggles tumbled

out of your mouth

like a stream feeding into

the lake that we beheld.

shades of blues and bright whites

decorated its surface as a natural

painting made by

the most famous artist herself,

mother nature.

--

you stuck your toes in the water

whilst i stuck my feet in as well—

since you were short

where i was tall—

my ankles submerged completely.

ripples emanated from our

connections with the liquid,

disrupting the surface of the perfect

scene before us.

--

i glanced at our beach house,

bamboo and ropes

and thatch roofing and bricks,

that looked sturdy but in reality

could collapse at any moment;

the beach house that we hid in when

we didn’t want to deal with humanity

anymore.

--

but, for now, we sat out in the open,

watching the sleek swans gliding across

the water and the geese flying in

perfect formation and touching the sky.

whilst we were afraid to submerge ourselves

in the waters of the lake Society.

--

the beach to our right caught my eye

with its yellow and tan and peach-colored

sand surrounding us, rising up and down

up

and

down,

in dunes that slowly were deteriorating

by the small breeze blowing

sand granules off of the sandbank.

--

behind the dunes were a row

of palm trees, with coconuts hidden

in the leaves that were softly swaying

in the breeze. the thin trunks were

thick and close together, trapping us

in this paradise that we never wanted to leave.

--

on the other side of our lake were

tall reeds that were easy to play in;

the soft upper stems had budding leaves

to pick off in an imitation of “loves me not”;

the stalks were sturdy enough to somehow

support our weight for us to

hang onto as we dipped

our ankles into the waters of Society.

--

the dock that i placed my hands on—

receiving painful splinters along the way—

was worn down by the amount

of sneakers and feet that pounded upon

the surface of the spruce planks.

--

the goldfish in the translucent lake

swam up to my toes and nibbled at them,

the way you did when trying something

for the first time.

i wriggled my toes and they dashed away,

not wanting anything to do with a victim

who struggled in the slightest.

--

i glanced at you and you looked at me,

smiling,

showing off your bleached teeth with a

genuine smile across your pale face. i

wanted to touch the freckles spattering your face

but restrained myself for you didn’t like

being touched by my filthy hands.

--

i would have smiled back, maybe,

if i wasn’t so entranced by the paradise

that held us captive so.

your brow furrowed and your lips turned

downwards into your characteristic

frown that you sported whenever you were

annoyed. this, i noticed.

--

what’s wrong? i asked you.

nothing, was your answer, even if

it was obviously not nothing.

tell me the truth, i demanded.

when i look back, i most definitely

mothered you, even if that was a gesture

you didn’t need in the first place.

--

you haven’t paid attention to me.

your sad tone bit into my heart like

i did into the perfect apples that we ate

every day.

you’re distracted by everything else, like

it’s more interesting than me.

--

you know, i don’t think that, i said,

(i lied.)

you’re much more interesting. i’ve just

been paying attention to my surroundings more.

haven’t you ever wondered why

we’re trapped here?

--

i expected you to say something, such as:

because we’re perfect and deserve

a perfect paradise.

but you said nothing, just staring ahead

at the stalks of grass ahead of us that swayed

softly in the breeze, occasionally dropping leaves

that dropped in the water below and

disrupted their reflections.

--

how about we play a game? you asked me.

i want to play tag. after a beaming smile

from you, i gave in. fine, i said, giving you

a smile of my own. let’s play tag.

you’re it! you called, tapping me on the shoulder.

--

we raced across the sand, grains

flying from beneath our toes.

we touched each other lightly, and the birds

flew away from our shrieks of you’re it!

our footprints in the sand were left behind us

and the palm trees echoed our voices

back at us.

--

and i finally touched you on the shoulders,

pushing you down into the line that

bordered between the translucent water

and tan sand.

you sputtered sand and freshwater out

of your face, grinning all the while.

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
IcyFlame
Review

Hi there Zaminami!

I'm not usually great at reviewing poetry, but after this helpful topic in the resources centre I thought I'd give reviewing this a shot!

black and red, sang the

colors of our heads.

Your first two lines form a sort of rhyme that I liked on its own, but personally didn't feel it was in keeping of the tone of the rest of the poem which was much more melancholy and beautiful - the rhyme makes it seem more humorous than the rest of the poem actually is. Maybe you could swap to 'red and black' or find another way to describe the colours?

mine was red, like the sunsets

of miami.

yours was black, like your

namesake, “raven”.

the imagery of the 'sunsets of miami' was really beautiful here, but I don't think your comparison of black was as strong. I actually almost wonder if you need this first stanzas because I think the second conveys the tone much better and also has some really lovely imagery.

your hair was as common

as coal; as normal as

us.

but oh, how it glittered so,

whilst exposed to the sun

by day and the moon

at night.

Three stanzas talking about hair seems quite a lot, so I think I stand by my earlier comment to just go straight into the second stanza and remove the first.

I really like the way your poem is laid out. I wonder if replacing the hyphens between each stanza with dots would make it seem more innocent, like the children that are portrayed by the speaker's voice?

the beach to our right caught my eye

with its yellow and tan and peach-colored

sand surrounding us, rising up and down

up

and

down,

in dunes that slowly were deteriorating

by the small breeze blowing

sand granules off of the sandbank.

I really like this technique of spacing out the 'up and down' - it really caught my eye as I read!

and i finally touched you on the shoulders,

pushing you down into the line that

bordered between the translucent water

and tan sand.

you sputtered sand and freshwater out

of your face, grinning all the while.

So I got a bit lost part way through this poem and I think the message could have been a little clearer. To begin with it sounds like the voice is reminiscing on times with their childhood friend but then takes on a melancholy tone when the friend seems to think the narrator is losing interest in them. That was a really good theme for me because it tackles the ideas of growing up and growing apart.. but then suddenly everything is well again and they're playing? So I think the narrative flow could do with some tweaking in that respect.

Anyway, that's all from me! I know this work is a little older but if you happen to see this review I hope it's somewhat helpful!

Icy

thanks for the review!! this poem is about ptsd. i dont want to talk about my experience but i do have ptsd and this poem is me reflecting on the bittersweetness of it and how i wish everything was good again. hope this reply helped :)

User avatar
Dossereana
Review

Hi there @zaminami I am here to do a review on you work here. first things first this is a grate length.

Making things ten times better
I do feel like there is some really good description, but then again I feel like there is not much feelings our touch, and also I do not no hew the people are, I also feel like this is a song at the beginning and then, it is not a song no longer, if you ask me it is a bit strange, But other then somethings that need ficksing it is pretty good nice work, There is not much more that I can say about this peace, but I must say that this does have some really nice lines to it.

What I like about this

black and red, sang the
I love this line, It is a good start to it, I feel like red and black really do go to, so nice work here, I also feel like the line flows really well to.

namesake, “raven”.
I really think that black goes with a raven so nice job.

What I think needs work

mine was red, like the sunsets
I feel like red does not go very well with a sunset I feel like Orange goes better for a sunset, but it also dependence on witch shad of red you do.

of miami.
So I am guessing that maimi is a name right, if it is I should think that it needs a cape a till, I will put this in suggestions for you.

Suggestions
of Miami.
So that is all that I can say, So Keep up the good work, also if I came akros as being to harsh then I am sorry about it, I hope to see part 2 come out, also take your time with righting things don't rush. :D

@EagleFly out to Seek and kill, you have been blazed by Team Red Like Roses

hi! the no capitalization was on purpose, except for the lake name, which was also on purpose. thank you for the review!

User avatar
EverLight
Review

Hi Katness here
This review is not intended to offend, or make you or your writing seem bad, but be warned nontheless somethings may offend you so please take it easy. These suggestions are meant to help you improve your writing.

Capitals, and Spelling
Spelling was fine, however once again I needs to be capitalized and the starts of sentences capitalized.
Sentence Structure and Word usage
I think this line needs some more work
occasionally dropping leaves

that dropped in the water below and

disrupted their reflections.
I don't think using dropped and dropping in the same sentence sounds right. Maybe try

occasionally dropping leaves into the water below
Or maybe mention more about the water and how the reflections move.

Emotion and More
I also noticed that things seem, distance. Maybe use adjectives to describe how the characters are feeling because the conversations don't quite cut it. Secant you mention that something is bothering your friend but you don't even mention it. There doesn't seem to much action. Also you seem to spend to much time describing the surroundings rather then focusing on your friend.

That's all for now,
Katness

Thanks for the review! The capitalization thing was on purpose; in fact, capitalization is completely optional in poetry, as long as it stays consistent!

Your welcome! I am well aware of the fact that you did it purposefully, however I do think it will look better with Caps.



Being a hero doesn't mean you're invincible. It just means that you're brave enough to stand up and do what's needed.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena