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ana

by zaminami


with your brown eyes
s u r r o u n d e d
by your thick eyelashes
and your black lips
s u r r o u n d e d
by the scars of your life
with the purple that you wear
s u r r o u n d e d
by your brownish hair
and your adorable body
s u r r o u n d e d
by me

you are perfect and i love you.
thank you for being in my life,
ana, man's best friend.


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737 Reviews


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Reviews: 737

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Mon Aug 13, 2018 3:58 am
CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there dude.

I’ve written several drafts of this review over the course of the week, all of which I’ve deleted for one reason or another. This poem is rather hard for me to critique on the personal level. If we’re talking technical content reasons, I have a lot of feedback there, since you’re definitely in progress for a defined style.
But if on the content aspect I could say anything, the concept just feels off.

I think it’s mainly dependent on the stylistic descriptions belonging more to a romantic poem and then the object of the affection is the dog.
So ya know.
It just doesn’t sound right in my head.
But that’s just a thing that I can’t recommend change on, so I will be moving along.

Stanzas.
Ya need more of them.

You’re doing better than most people by recognizing that stanzas exist and should be used. Bricks are not fun things to throw at people giving you some legit feedback.
But I feel like a certain stylistic change, would to add a stanza split after every summed up description. I can’t quote it because I’m on mobile at the moment (because I’m rushing the last part of this review lol) but I can show you the breakdown by line numbers.
Totally just a suggestion but this is the concept I created.

1
2
3
-
4
5
6
-
7
8
9
-
Etc

So that creates a thing that I love to see in poetry, uniform stanza design. Instead of four lines, it’s a three line form. And maybe it looks plan to some people to not have all that white space jumping around, but I just personally like uniform stanza design.
And also that’s it’s more likely to have good flow and the themes fit together well.
Lots of reasons to love and hate it.

And I only have one more specific comment and that’s on the phrase “man’s best friend”. Which of course is a great phrase but if you’re writing it from your perspective, might want to change the wording a little bit here.

On an overall, aside from how I find the topic slightly off putting, you’ve got a good poem. I’ve read some others of yours but I never really got much from them, because it didn’t feel like you were putting much into them. It takes effort for a great poem.
This one is pretty good.
Your style is getting better and more defined, something I always love to see in younger poets.

If you’ve got any poetry specific questions, as always, feel free to drop me a line.
- Lizz




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Fri Aug 10, 2018 1:37 pm
WritingPrincess says...



I really enjoyed reading this poem about your dog. I liked the way you styled it. I don't really have much to say, other then I think this flowed really well!

Keep the amazing writing flowing!




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Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:26 am
Danni88 wrote a review...



Hi! Danni here to review.

I'm guessing this is about your dog? It's just the man's best friend bit. If so, I can totes relate to this with my chocolate Labrador, Pedro. He's 12 now and recently he couldn't walk so we took him to the vets... I was really scared we would have to have him put down but they fixed it and he's fine. I understand that bond.
If it's not about your dog, ignore me.

I can't see any spelling/grammar issues apart from the capitalization, but that looks really good so there's nothing really in that field.

I love this! It was deep and flowed really well. I would give it 4 man's best friends out of 5.


Keep up writing!

D




zaminami says...


Yep! It's about my dog :)



Danni88 says...


:)




A classic is a book which people praise and don't read.
— Mark Twain