dear nikki; matilda; rc—
we first met on a monday, on the first day of school
when we were paired up into groups
to discuss trivia and trivial questions
that we all knew were stupid and boring.
(we had to talk about ourselves—
remember?—
and you didn't really want to talk
and there was me, annoyed that we had
to do this, and so i kept it short and brief.
i disliked answering the questions, even though
you knew later that i loved the sound
of my own voice)
but when we first truly talked was on a thursday,
i believe,
when i walked up to you,
four days after we met,
and said that you could join our table
("there are some empty seats,
and i noticed that you don't have any friends,
so...")
your face
lit up
much like anime characters do—
big smile, sparkly eyes, cute face—
and it made my week.
so you sat with us on monday, quiet at first,
reading your book, avoiding eye contact,
slowly introducing yourself.
it was on a thursday when you opened up
and started to nerd out over some books.
you seemed unsure at first, like
(are these people going to accept
that i am a nerd?)
but
i was happy—finally, someone like me!—
someone who was a nerd, like me!
and we became friends.
my 14th birthday was on a thursday,
which was when i found out that our friend's mom|
was terrible and that toni
didn't consider me as a true friend
(so then i made it my mission to do so;
crumbling me and karly's relationship
even more in the process).
it was in february, on a thursday,
when we had our first fight—
you screamed at me that i didn't understand
what it was like, to go to a new school
and not know anyone, and be anxious,
and depressed, and cut—
and i told you:
("i understand, nikki! i understand!")
and you stomped away;
was that the beginning of our
falling out?
the last fight was in march,
on a thursday,
when we were playing field hockey in the gym.
you yelled at the coach that you didn't
know the rules?—
but you didn't speak up when the coach
said that she assumed that
everyone did from previous years—
and you started to scream
and shout
and were on the verge of tears
and when i told you
("don't fuel the fire. take it from me")
you flipped me off.
and then the locker room.
on that thursday,
you screamed at me some horrible words
("i'll kill myself because of you!")
and i said some horrible things as well.
but the price was hard to pay.
it was a thursday the next week when i started
i started leaving marks on my skin from
pencils, pins, etc.
and they hurt, but i didn't care
but then my parents found out
("how could you do that to yourself?"
they asked.
"why would you do that to yourself?"
and i gave a pathetic answer
because i couldn't explain why)
i stopped, but i'm struggling
my integrity inside of me got me in trouble—
just this past may thursday, i got
a website blocked. now everyone
everyone hates me more.
("twitch killer," they said. "why does anyone
care
about what you think?"
"nobody cares."
"shut up.")
and just when i thought that
it,
the bullying,
was over.
now it's friday while i write this,
after thinking for months how to
write this poem and letter.
and i wish that you were still with us
and i don't go by a day where i don't
think of you.
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