indeed, the people can look
they can look at the trees,
at the rain falling from the sky
and at the lunchbox sitting on the countertop
or the grasses in a yard.
but they cannot see
the trees,
the rain falling from the sky
the lunchbox sitting on the countertop
or the grasses in a yard.
for there is so much more than
the trees,
the rain falling from the sky,
the lunchbox sitting on the countertop,
or the grasses in a yard.
they do not see
the individual leaves on the trees
the slight glistening of the rain as it falls
the tiny texture of the lunchbox's fabric
or every single grass in a yard.
with their
veins stretching out from the stems,
individual raindrops falling from the sky
rounded diamonds of the fabric
different times the grasses ripple in the wind.
---
while people have ears,(i thought this said white people have ears and i was kinda confused for a sec lol) but not black people
they can listen to the whistling wind,
the roaring sea,
the crickets chirping,
and the crackling of the fire.
but they cannot hear,
the whistling wind,
the roaring sea,
the crickets chirping,
and the crackling of the fire.
for there is so much more than
the whistling wind,
the roaring sea,
the crickets chirping,
and the crackling of the fire.
they do not hear
the warbling of the wind,
the faint hiss of the ocean mist,
the different chords of the crickets' chirping
the small pops of the fire's sparks.
and their
high and low whistling tones,
echo of the ocean off the beach,
different intervals of chirps,
rolling of logs in the fireplace.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hi there zaminami! Niteowl here to review.
Overall, I like the idea of this poem, how there is so much we can technically see and hear but don't actually pay attention to. It's interesting to think about how our eyes might, for example, see all the blades of grass in a yard, but we won't actually perceive all the different blades.
Minor quibble here. I don't think grasses is the right plural here. I would say "grass" in this context because it's a collective plural noun. "Grasses" would only work if you were talking about different types of grass. I'm not 100% sure of this though, so you might need to look it up.
Concerning the repetition: I get that it was done for emphasis, but it feels like overkill. Two times, could work, but by the third time I start losing interest.
Wow. The first stanza here is interesting because of how it contrasts with the general imagery of the previous stanzas, but I feel like the language could be stronger. Then bam, we get to the next stanzas and we have some much stronger detail and imagery. It might work better to combine the two, like "they do not see/individual leaves on the tree/veins stretching out from the stems", etc. Also, the word "individual" is kind of awkward to say and it's repeated twice here, so it messes up the flow.
Uh, I assume this was copied from a WFP commentary? I always have to double check work I've written in a jam or something, haha.
I think the repetition drags more in the hearing section because the examples used are fairly common. Granted, so are trees and rain, but I think the lunchbox was a little different and added some interest to the visual section. I'd consider using at least one more unconventional sound. The sounds feel more random and separate from each other, while in the vision part I feel like one person could be looking at all those things. Also, I think "listen" is the wrong word to open the section with because listening implies that people ARE paying attention to details, when the entire message of the poem is that they aren't paying attention.
One idea I have while reading this is that instead of being random, the sights and sounds could all be tied to one scene, like a woman looking out her window or someone at the beach seeing the sand and hearing the waves but not seeing all the grains or all the tones of the waves or something like that.
Overall, I like the idea of this, but I think it could be refined to make it even better. Keep writing!
Hey, it is amazing... You did well and i do liked it...
Thank you!
Hi! It's Mangline, here for the review.
So, I think you could've done better with this poem. Remember to put capital letters at the beginning of a new sentence or entry. I also noticed that you didn't capitalize 'I'. That's a mistake quite a few people make when they are writing or wording a particular sentence. You may also want to work on the repetition? You repeated multiple sentences multiple times. Try to cut down on that, ok? Otherise, I loved this poem! Keep up the good work and try out some new writing tactics, yeah?
-MANGLINE
Hi, don't take this rudely, but I just wanted to let you know that lowercase letters is in fact a style many poets use to communicate their meaning more effectively. Also, repetition, in some cases, could be used as emphasis for that meaning.
I understand that, but I think that capital letters would make the poem more, how do I put this? I think it would make the poem more intriguing in a way. And, I use repetition myself, I just didn't see how it fit into this poem. I'll try being more observant.
Exactly what manilla said! All of those were intentional, so I will not change them. It's for emphasis and I don't use capitalization on my poems ever, except for really early on.
Thanks for the review!
np