Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
[do], a girl, a teenage girl,
[re], a drop of crimson blood,
[mi], the trash, she calls herself,
[fa], the long long way she’ll go,
[so], thoughts swirling around her head,
[la], guess what comes after so,
[ti], the liquid they will shed,
because there’ll never be another [do].
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Parody of Do: A Deer from The Sound of Music
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A/N: I wrote this in 5 minutes at marching band practice and it's probably not the best, and this in no way applies to me. I just wanted to write it down ;) -- Kara
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Hello there, DemonGoddess. I’ll be reviewing your work for this review day!
So without further ado, let’s dive right in!
I have to admit, the fourth line (fa) was not the most creative. I was expecting it to be transformed into a much different line like every other line. It definitely lacks the creative side and seems like you just slacked off here. Maybe try pulling out a better line here? Something that will transition from the third line to the fifth line? Because right bow the transition seems weak and it doesn’t make sense. Up until this point, the poem was pretty good. I feel like it went downhill from this fourth line.
Aside the fact that this line also isn’t the most creative, it also doesn’t make sense. When you say “guess what comes after so” I’m not sure what line you’re directing it to? This might just be me but I can’t understand whether it’s [la] this line is aimed at, or [ti]. Because [ti] isn’t directly after [la]. I hope the was comprehensible, haha.
Because this song is so short, the message that you are trying to send through your words isn’t the best. Some lines aren’t specific enough, and others are too specific that they can’t transition to another line without sounding funky. If I were you, I would just play around with words until something comes together that makes sense but still works with the song. You’re on your way to making something, and it’s unique, but in some areas it is practically the same as the original song.
So, what I’m trying to say is edit lines so they are more original and so they fit with the rest of the poem/song. Instead of continuing to ramble on about transitioning, here is a link to transitioning in poetry. It’s mainly talking about transitions in a whole poetry book itself but I find it helpful anyway.
For five minutes, this was a pretty good poem! I can truly see your personality shining through it, even though it does need a little work. My favorite line is the last line, which like the original, wraps up the whole song but in your own way.
Thank you for sharing this poem to everyone. As always, keep writing and if you have any questions feel free to ask!
Apologies if there are some typos in this review, it was written on my phone, haha.
neptune
Heya, DemonGoddess, GooseLuck here to do a review for you! So let's take flight, shall we.
Now, I remember watching the sound of music a long time ago, and from what i recall I didn't like it all too well. Then again, I've never been a fan of musicals and such, not even disney. But anywho, let's get to this review.
The first line is okay, decent enough, but I wish that there was a better transition from that to the blood. It's like my mind went from girl to cutting automatically, and even if that's not what this is about, it wasn't a decent transition and I didn't like it in the best.
The next thing I noticed about this was the flow, around the ending it just seems pretty eh, and I couldn't really fit it to the Do:A Deer from the Sound of Music,so if you could maybe record it in that flow that might be helpful?
The next thing is the ending itself, which I found was a tad bit bland compared to the rest of the poem and ending on quite a cliche notice, but that could just be me, and this is a paraody of a cliche musical, so it is a bit understandable why it would seem that way and it could just be me.
Anyway, I think that this as a parody has potential and you could do with it as long as you go back through and edit out the kinks and work on it. Practice!
I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, GooseLuck
This was so like, I cant explain. It was like, deep, and like wow.
Haha, thanks
just woahhhhhhhh
Stahp your making me laugh your like a fangirl on Wattpad
I am a fangirl on wattpad. and on this site XD
gASP you have Wattpad what's your account name I want to find you
But yeah you are XD
Hi Kara, this is a difficult topic to tackle but I'll leave a few my thoughts I had.
So, first of all I'll say that I find the mix of the song "Do, A Deer" with this sort of content somewhat disturbing. Not that that's bad, especially if you're going for a reaction. But that mixture of the almost ridiculous and idealistic joy from the Sound of Music mixed with the depression and sadness expressed in the piece is jolting and holds my attention.
I think as far as formatting I'm not as bit of a fan of the parenthesis. I think it makes the piece seem a little uneditted and the line with "tears/ ti[ars]" is somewhat awkward to read too. I would suggest just writing out the real words, because if readers already know from the title it's a play on the song Do, Re, Mi etc. then they won't have trouble deciphering that from what's written, even without the parenthesis. If you're worried readers won't get it, I feel like italics would be less distracting than parenthesis is this scenario too.
So I would format it like this (with the changes in the blue text):
My only other comment is phrasing related. I don't think that you need the "so" in the end of the line "la, guess what comes after". For me it doesn't make sense in the phasing of the sentence or phase, and is a bit odd when we've already had a "so" one line above.
That's all the thoughts I have. This was an intense piece to read and truly an interesting concept to mesh those two ideas together.
Best of luck in all of your writing!
~alliyah
This Review has been brought to you today by team Autumn. Happy Review Day!
'ello DemonGoddess and Happy Review Day to you!
This is kind of a sad parody of this popular song - depressing, I guess you could say. But I like how you did your own version here. It was interesting.
One thing I did note, though, was how these syllables related to the words following them. Or rather, didn't. The original song Maria sang was to help remember each syllable in a fun way, therefore the words following the syllable related to it. As in "do, a deer, a female deer" because you know, a female deer is a doe. But here you didn't quite do that. Only in some instances, as with the mi, fa and ti(ars) - which I thought was quite clever, by the way.
It threw me off a bit when I first started reading. I was all, but a "do" isn't a girl, a teenage girl! That thought was only established more with the ending line, "there will never be a do (again)" I've never heard of teenage girls being called "do"s.
I wasn't sure at first if the "so" was just there because it's a syllable in the song and don't really take notice of it, I'm just continuing the story. OR if it was a "so" as in answering the action in the line before. This girl has a long, long way to go so friends turned against her.
So my hesitation/confusion is there is one reason why I think the syllables should relate to the following phrase. ALL the syllables. Here it wasn't very consistent.
The last group of people that could be referred to as a "they", before you mention the "they", are the "friends" that turned against her. Which doesn't make sense. Why would they turn against her, then shed tears later?
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I kept reminding myself of the authors note you attached to the bottom of this. For writing this in 5 minutes, you did pretty good! I certainly didn't mean to sound offensive in my comments. These are just my overall thoughts of the piece.
Anyway. I hope you have a fantastic day!
I'll be taking off now.
cheers!
-rosette
Hey there! MJ stopping to give you a couple of suggestions.
I would personally say "teen" or "person" or something that isn't gender specific, so that female isn't redundant. I get that this is a parody, and that in the original song it was "doe, a deer, a female deer", but I think that "teen" would convey the point just as well without the redundancy.Suggestions:
This is probably personal preference, so I'm not saying you have to add this, but I would say "so, so what her friends ask her", since that would show the reader that she is all alone in this battle, and 'something against her head' doesn't really seem to fit.
This is a smaller thing, but I would say 'the liquid that she'll shed' to make sure the reader understands that she's the one shedding said tears.
Overall, this was a weirdly funny poem, but in all the wrong ways. It was a bit of a morbid twist on the original song, which was sung by a bunch of happy people riding bikes and singing in the back of a carriage, and for whatever reason, it was a little bit humorous (obviously not that I find depression funny, but rather that you took such a happy and upbeat song/poem and made a parody that was miserable and eerie. Thanks for sharing, and if you have any questions, let me know and I'll fix it.
Best wishes,
MJ
My only concern is that the "ti(ars)" line is representing the family shedding tears with her suicide
But thanks for the review!!
In that case, I would say 'will be shed', but that sounds a little awkward. Thanks for clearing that up, and glad I could be helpful!