Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
“The goal of socialism is communism.” -- Vladimir Lenin
Tomsen’s PoV:
Jakob waved as he slipped out of the front door, probably buying some more communist stuff for whatever he was hiding. Don’t try to argue with me that he wasn’t hiding anything. He was. He would shut himself in his room all day, not coming out unless he wanted to eat, go to the bathroom, or get a drink. He would take random trips to his home country, which I thought that he had hated for some reason. Besides, he was a good liar. You would never be able to trust him, no matter how he acts.
Never.
As soon as I saw his car drive out of sight, I hurried my way over towards Jakob’s room. I slowed down to sneak past the kitchen, where Martin and Charlie were sitting and chatting at the island. As soon as I had passed from their line of sight, I ran down the hallway, thanking God that the hallway was carpeted with an obnoxious orange color that hid my footsteps. I crept into my room and retrieved a lock-picking kit that I had gotten the week before.
I picked the lock and the door opened with a slight creak. I paused, hoping that Martin and Charlie hadn't heard it. Since there was no yell from the kitchen, I knew that the two other boys didn't hear. I quickly dashed into the room and closed the door carefully, making sure to keep it slightly cracked so I can hear noises if Jakob ever came back.
I looked around his room. It was red-carpeted with black walls, reminding me of my room when I went through my emo phase in high school. There was a queen-sized bed in the middle of the room, covered with a white duvet, and two brown side tables with empty picture frames on top. There were two other doors in the room, one leading to his closet and the other to his "study area," which was where he would spend his time, day and night, only coming out for meals. I headed towards the first door and opened it.
Scandalous!
It was a closet!
I heard footsteps coming down the hall. I muffled a yelp and dived under the bed, lifting up the bed cover to peek at what might be going on. Or, at least, to hide if the door was opened.
"Where's Tomsen?" Charlie asked Martin. I sighed in relief. It was only those two knuckleheads. Of course it was. "I saw him earlier, but he's not here."
"Maybe he left to get something," Martin suggested in his high British accent. "At the store."
"But his car's still here," Charlie pointed out. "Unless he walked. Actually, now that I think about it, it's probably just Tomsen being Tomsen. He walked."
Their voices disappeared as a door closed. I got up from under the bed and made my way to the other door. I had to be especially quiet now, since I had a sneaking suspicion that Martin and Charlie were in their room. I opened up the other door and turned on the light.
By the weak light of the lightbulb that hung on the ceiling -- it really needed to be changed -- I could see a mahogany desk with stacks of papers on it. Posters covered the drab walls of something in Norwegian, which read "Den røde hæren." I didn't know what that meant and I didn't care.
I crept over to his desk, where a cacophony of papers lay. The top paper said something in Norwegian that I couldn't read. I frowned, peeking into the next paper. More Norwegian gibberish. I was about to look more when I heard Charlie's and Martin's excited shouts.
Jakob had come home.
Shit.
How long was I in here? I didn't know, but I shut the door quickly and dove under the bed again. With a jolt, I realized that I didn't close the door completely, but it was too late at that point.
"Where is Tomsen?" Jakob asked in his cringe-inducing accent. "Usually he would come out here, flip me off, and call me a 'stupid commie.'"
"I don't know. Haven't seen him since you left," Charlie's voice replied. "I would check his room, but I don't want to go in there."
"I can face the wrath of Tomsen Wellridge," Jakob promised. "I'll check the pig sty for you."
The pig sty was what Jakob called my room. Asshole. My room wasn't nearly as messy as Charlie and Martin's. Just because I have vodka bottles all over the floor doesn't mean that I'm messy, Jesus Christ.
"He's not in here," Jakob announces from the other side of the hall. "If he's not, then I don't know where he is." I could hear muffled footsteps. He's coming towards the room.
Jakob pushes the door open and frowns at it. That's when I dove back under the bed. Then all I saw was white. I forced myself to be still. I stopped breathing as his footsteps started towards the bed.
"I don't remember my door being open," Jakob said with a puzzled tone. His footsteps made their way towards the study room. With a jolt I realized that I forgot to turn off the light.
I heard the door open and I knew I was screwed when Jakob said loudly, "Tomsen, you can come out of the bed now. I know you're there."
Son of a-
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hi, DemonGoddess! Pan dropping in for a review.
I'll preface this by saying that this is definitely the best work I've read from you so far. It's paced really nicely, it held my attention all the way through, and I feel like the characters bounce off each other really well. I'm confused as heck, I will admit, but it's a good kind of confusion, a tolerable kind. There's a lot of names to wrap my head around, but I can follow the thread well enough that I'm not getting lost or anything.
I'm just going to work through this chronologically and give you my thoughts as I go along, as I don't think I've got a considerable number of nitpicks. I'll cross out any unnecessary words and mark out small grammatical changes in blue.
This socialist completely disagrees with this statement, but I can see how it fits with Tomsen's point of view. It's certainly quite an attention-grabbing quote, so it works well to draw people in.
Reeeally strong opening paragraph. I get an immediate sense of how Tomsen thinks, of how paranoid and haphazard his worldview is. There's a great balance of sentence structure; it's kind of rambling while still being completely clear, if that makes sense. My only complaint is the tense slippage at the end; it should be 'acted', as the piece is in past tense. Other than that, the writing sings.
1) Maybe replace the second instance of 'the hallway' with 'it' to avoid the repetition.
2) Okay, I know you're trying to say that the carpet muffled their footsteps, but the way that you've phrased it makes it seem like the colour masks their footsteps, which obviously doesn't make sense. Toy about with it so that the meaning comes across better.
Apart from a few unnecessary words, this is a-okay; it's just that sentence in bold I'm not fond of, because it feels like you're repeating yourself and stating the obvious. You could easily cut it and have this:
I paused, hoping that Martin and Charlie hadn't heard it. Since there was no yell from the kitchen, I dashed into the room and closed the door carefully, making sure to keep it slightly cracked so I'd be able to hear if Jakob came back.
Obviously just a suggestion, but it's a bit more succinct.
Oh god, pet peeve. Which British accent? Does he sound English, Scottish and Welsh all at once?
(Edit: I've just seen in your response to the previous review that Tomsen is supposed to be British as well, in which case he would definitely know what specific accent Martin had. In fact, I doubt he'd actually draw attention to Martin's accent at all if they share the same one, because people tend to think of their own accents as 'normal'. Maybe if Martin had a different regional accent to him - say he was from Yorkshire or the Midlands or whatever - he might draw attention to that, but it's still not massively likely.)
Also, small point, but Brits are probably more likely to say 'at the shops' than 'at the store'. It's not too big an issue, because if he's been living in America for a while he might have adopted the vocab, but you could tweak it if you want him to sound more authentically English (because I'm guessing by British accent you mean English accent).
More of a question than a critique, but how is he certain that it's Norwegian? By the sound of it, he's not familiar with the language or anything, so I found it a bit odd that he could pinpoint it so exactly, especially given that a lot of Germanic and Scandinavian languages look pretty similar to one another.
Tenses slipping around again. Make sure you look at every verb when you edit to make sure that it aligns with past.
This is a really good end to the chapter segment, but I don't much like that sentence in bold. It's telling more than you need to. You could rephrase it to be a bit more subtle:
"I don't remember my door being open," Jakob said with a puzzled tone. His footsteps made their way towards the study room. With a jolt I realized that I forgot to turn off the light.
The door creaked open, and Jakob paused. I heard him breathe in.
"Tomsen, you can come out of the bed now. I know you're there."
Son of a-
As always, just a suggestion, but I feel like there's no need to put in the stuff about Tomsen knowing he was screwed when you can easily show it through the behaviour of the characters.
That's all for this review! I really like this. You need to give it the once-over for tense slippages, and your dialogue occasionally errs on the side of being too expository/long winded, but there's nothing major to worry about. I love the snappiness of Tomsen's narration. I'm roped into the plot, too. It's got a lovely, charming quirkiness to it and raises loads of interesting questions. Why is Tomsen so obsessed with searching Jakob's room? Where does the communism stuff come into this? Why are so many bizarre people living under one roof? I don't know the answers, but rest assured that I want to. Definitely tag me if (when?) you post more of this.
Keep writing!
~Pan
I do a chapter of my stories each day, so this next chapter will come up in the next few days
To clarify, Tomsen can tell that Jakob's Norwegian because of his accent, which I'll add into the chapter
>:3 hahahahahahahahhaahhahahahaha all secrets will be revealed when 1.2 comes out
Ahh right, that but about the accent makes sense. Looking forward to the next bit!
Okay, review!
First of all, I'm interested in the characters and setting you have set up here, and I wish this chapter could have told me more about them! We mostly just get a vague idea that Tomsen is not particularly likable, and the reader has to wonder how he came to be rooming with these other dudes. The brevity of this chapter and the fact that it focuses on just one person's actions make it difficult to squeeze those things in, but I'm looking forward to more in the next chapter! Definitely a very good hook!
There could have been more suspense when Tomsen breaks into Jakob's room. If Tomsen had only picked up the lockpicking kit last week, did he know how to use one before? Is he trying to walk extra quietly? Is he particularly experienced at snooping? You included some of those details, but I feel like there could have been more.
Also, I'm wondering if Tomsen is supposed to be American?
I'm excited to read the next chapter, so nicely done! Thank you for tagging me, and good luck with your writing!
Okay. They explain how they got together in a later chapter. Also, Tomsen is supposed to be British, so I do need help on that.
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Something to read yes