Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
a/n: the no capitalization was purposeful. please don't comment on that. i put it so it'll seem sadder and more serious, ya know? like in poetry people do that, like marms.
this is a true story, just wanted to let you know before you read.
i put my full pen name on here, but it's only my pen name. not my real name. so don't yell at me ;(
also, the point of this was so people would leave me alone about being depressed and shit, so if anyone gives me shit, share it with them please or whatever.
i don't know if you even know my name anymore. i'm pestered with comments like: "homo" and "retard" and "nerd" and "brat" from you. just because i'm bisexual, might have autism, a nerd, and slightly obnoxious when it comes to my fandoms doesn't mean that you can do that. that you can call me those thing to make yourself feel better. do you know it? i don't think you do. all you pair with me is those insults, and not my name: "kara riley stevens."
you claim that your life is worse than mine. you, with your "skin disease" that traumatized you so you can only wear dresses now; you, who are forced into activities that you don't like; you, who can't eat anything except junk food, bread, and cheese because you don't like anything else. you claim that these things ruined your life, but you had that "skin disease" - which i looked up and doesn't exist - when you were four years old. you're 13 now. you do realize you can quit things, right? you can do that, talk to your parents when you don't want to do something. you do realize that you can eat fruit, vegetables, meat... all of those things, even if you don't like them. i eat brussels sprouts and pizza all the time. doesn't mean i like them.
but that doesn't give you an excuse to ruin my social status, ruin my life, ruin everything that i try hard for. i have constant f's. no friends except on the internet. a bleak future. all because of you.
yes, i have to admit, in first through third grade, i was an absolute bitch. like, the bitchiest bitch that you would probably ever meet. condescending, boastful, obnoxious, etc. you met me in second or third grade, i don't remember, but you immediately took a disliking to me.
then in fourth grade, everyone started to bully me. the daughter of the principal took me aside and slapped me, telling me to stay away from her friends. she got away with it. people would smash my books out of my hands, jostle me at lunch, call me horrible things. it was one of the worst years of my life. it just got worse in fifth grade, until i made secret plans.
plans to kill myself.
yes, i am aware that i was really young, but i was so fucking done with life. if the real world was like this, then why should i live in this cruel, heartless world anymore? i made a plan in october to, if the bullying didn't stop by then, to kill myself a month after my birthday to make a statement that you shouldn't bully.
then you came.
you invited me into your friend group - a group of people as awkward as i am - and allowed me to join your pretending game: where we pretended that we were in a magical, mystical world where magic, dragons, seers were possible and where we can be whatever we can be. i decided that, since i had a friend group, that i shouldn't die. there was something to live for.
there was still bullying, i must admit, but it wasn't so bad since i had friends.
then sixth grade.
you turned... cold. you gave me the cold shoulder when i tried to hang out with you. the bullying wasn't so bad in sixth grade, i must have you know. most people were trying to make friends with people from the other elementary schools, so they were too busy to bully me. it still hurt. you turned and hung out with a girl named alexandria instead. a girl with more popularity, more status, and less of a nerd than me.
so i sat with a girl named elle, who kind of liked me but didn't love me either. we hung out. sleepovers and shit. i guess i was trying to make you jealous, i don't know. but then, she started to avoid me too, because of rumors that i was fucking the least popular boys in the school.
all spread by you.
don't worry, i know that was all you. you told cade, the local big-mouth, and lexi, the local gossip, "everything" that you knew about me. the bullying in fourth grade started up again, even worse than before. when the teachers and the people who were in the musical with me weren't looking, you and your disciples dumped my books out of my hand. you and them took seats next to my new musical friends so i would be alone. spread even more, false rumors about me to keep their own self-esteem up. they would "accidentally" trip me during gym class.
let's just say this completely broke me.
my grades dropped. i went from an a+ student to a b+ student, at best. i would fake sickness to stay out of school. whenever i could, i would lock myself in my room, with my lights off, underneath my bed, curled up and crying. i had no self-esteem anymore. still don't.
seventh grade went by the same way, except i had my friends named emmalyn and saruka then. they were by me the entire time through seventh grade. it still didn't help through my depression.
in eighth grade, you sat at my table near your friend christopher, who had become my own friend over the summer. whenever we would be talking about something, you would interrupt out of jealousy. the bullying was still there, the same as before. then last week...
that was the week we had the big fight.
i told you i had enough of the way you were treating me. enough of the rumors you were spreading, enough of the bullying that you caused. i had absolutely enough, and if you didn't like me, you could move tables. my friends were here, but your friends aren't. move somewhere else.
you remember what you did? you gave me a smirk.
"what friends?" you asked. "do you really think that you have friends? how naïve. you don't deserve everything. you're obnoxious, immature, and just plain rude. you need to learn what's coming to you. no one wants you around. just go kill yourself already."
i sat there in shock. everyone was sitting at another table or getting lunch. no one was there. no one had heard.
that night, i cried myself to sleep.
dear you, you are a monster.
dear you, you are the reason why i am suicidal.
dear you, i hope that those words that you said will haunt you for the rest of your life.
go to hell.