Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
It's a beautiful day today.
Toucans are calling, lots of flowers are blooming, the sun is shining through the tall rubber trees, and the ferns are lush beneath her feet. She closes her eyes to block out the sights and to smell the air as various birds chatter overhead, fighting over, most likely, food or shelter. She took a deep breath. Smells like sweet fruit, fresh air, and freedom.
She looked down at her 2-year old daughter, whose chubby legs were not made for running the long distance that they had run. The poor child was laying against the tree with her eyes closed and sleeping peacefully like she didn't know what danger they were in.
She - the mother, that is - rubbed her hand against the rough bark of the tree, not knowing if the prison guards were going to come after her again or not. Most likely they will, because her husband(?) will kill them if they don't.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!
I can relate all too well, to be perfectly honest. I have depression on a whole other level to the point I can't even explain what my depression is based on, but moving back to the real subject: I really like the effective use of language and the structure is unique as well, though I can be a bit 'monotone', if you know what I mean (It gets a bit boring to start a new line every two milliseconds). I would try to vary the structure a bit to make it more effective, like having it as a normal paragraph at the beginning and making it short and snappy at the end. I like how you made it resemble your day-to-day life. However, some sentence starters seem a bit too repetitive at times, mostly "every single day".
Apart from that, I don't think there's anything to improve other than your mental health (See what I did there?). Jk, just don't kill yourself. You won't have memes if you kill yourself, now it is very sad to not have memes because memes = life. Just don't die, not before me anyways.
Overall, a very emotional and effective piece of writing.
Oh, Kara! You made this sound so real! And if it is, ((Please forgive me if you don't like this, I'm only trying to help)) I understand! I really really do. DON'T YOU DARE DO SUICIDE!! I've never been bullied, because I'm homeschooled, but I have been cornered by some creeps. I know how life can hurt. I know how siblings can be. I have one! But believe me, I know how life can hurt. especially if you read some of my poems. only a few express my pain though. Please realize that you have a friend. I'll help in any way I can.
((Lots of hugs))
Midnightmoon
Hi there,
So, first of all, this is an interesting way to start a story. Honestly, it feels more like a poem than a prologue, but I guess it could work, as long as the entire story isn't written this way. I'm not going to critique this in the way I usually critique a novel chapter, which is first character, then setting, then plot, then flow, because this isn't really applicable. What I'll do is explain why I'm not sure about it, then you can decide for yourself whether that's personal preference on my part or things you want to change. Let's see if this works...
This definitely works for the first wee while. The problem is that the repetition gets...well...repetitive. Have you ever read The Rainbow by D H Lawrence? It's critically aclaimed and stuff but I can't stand it cos I understand the point of the repetition but it's like, ok, got that part, can mention it in an essay now, move onto your next narrative device...pls. In a similar way, I get that it's every single day after not too long, and after that I'm pretty much ignoring that detail to get the new details. That technique achieves its effect, but then the fact that it continues on after it has achieved the effect is a bit irritating to read.
It's also a bit info-dumpy, but that's kind of excusable, since it's a prologue. I usually like prologues to be more abstract because of this, but that's a direction to go in other than the one you're down, so don't feel like I'm saying you should definitely do that. I am aware that people enjoy prologues, and I think this is suitable as a prologue.
I think it's good that you've included so many details (woo Phandom!) because it gives me an idea of a real person. Although, when I saw:
I realised I've no idea what that stands for which reminded me that other people might not know who Dan and Phil are. Given that this would be being read by anyone, it makes sense to just slip in a word or two to give people a frame of reference.
That's all I have to say for now, but I know a lot of people going through depression and I know it can be a really difficult subject to handle well so good luck and let me know when the next chapter is up.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Hey! I was tagged in this and happened to find your review. You like Dan and Phil, but you're not in the YWS-famous (yes, extremely famous, totally) Phan Club!
Yep, Biscuits, it really helped!
To answer your statement, no, the rest of the novel is not this way. I just wanted to start it off with something unique. And, also, this is a real person: me.
I will tag you when the 1st chapter is posted
Happy writing!~
Kara
@SarukaTheHuman ooh link?
@KaraStevens haha yeah I know it's a real person, you said so. I just mean that those things were things you did well and could improve to make it feel that way well
clubs/2610