Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
A/N: For @Elinor's short story contest.
The sun sets outside my window, illuminating my room with red, orange, and white light, complimenting my rug nicely. My parents aren't home. They will be in thirty minutes, but that's more than enough time for me to do my job. The job to finalize it all, like how a sunset finalizes the day.
I silently close my bedroom door, as to not disturb the dogs. I make my way downstairs and into the kitchen, grabbing a white handkerchief, and locking the back door. That should slow them down more if they got home early. For this, I need to take precautions.
I make my way back up to my room, silently closing the door again. I glance around my room. An ordinary, emo teenage room with dark posters, black carpet, red comforter, black and red everything. A razor sits on the desk, covered with blood. Broken bottles are scattered all over the floor that I haven't bothered to clean up. They'll be back soon anyway.
It is even complete with a black ceiling fan, which is essential to my plan of leaving home after living alone for many years.
The rope tied onto the ceiling fan sways without any wind prompting it to. Scribbling something down and sliding the handkerchief under the door, I glance at the picture standing on my dresser of me and my friends, their faces cut out with a knife. I step on a black step stool and slip the rope around my neck, wincing at the pain on my wrists. I accept my fate and smile.
--
Strange, the back door is locked, the mother thinks as she helps the half-asleep father inside of the house. And my handkerchief isn't on the table.
"Kara?" she calls up the stairs. It is strangely silent -- eerie, even. "Are you there?"
"She's probably just sleeping," the husband mutters sleepily. His wife nods after hesitating, fiddling her fingers and biting her lip. Her eyes dart back and forth, as if searching for something.
She heads up the stairs and gets dressed into her white dressing gown. "Kara?" the wife calls. "Are you in there?"
A note is on top of the stairs on her favorite handkerchief. She gasps and rushes over to it. "Kara?!"
Dear Mother, Father --
I am leaving home. I am having fun. Something that has been denied to me, for so many years.
"Daddy, our baby's gone!" the woman cries. "Why would she treat us so thoughtlessly? How could she do this to me?" She breaks down, almost falling down the stairs, but the father catches her.
She pushes through the father's arms and bursts into the room. Her eyes seem to avoid the sight in front of her, but she can't deny the star of the show.
Her daughter.
Realizing this, she screams.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hi DemonGoddess!
Here is your review as promised. I think this story has a lot of potential. I was interested to see what you would do with it since this tells such a straightforward narrative. I'm curious as to whether or not you looked into the real inspiration for this song. I think you might find it interesting. I'm glad that you did your own thing with it, but I was hoping for more. I don't know if I made this clear enough (apologies if I didn't) but you weren't married to the lyrics of the song. They work for the melancholy, somewhat otherworldly town of the music, but we know people don't really speak like that, so it doesn't quite translate.
One of the reasons I picked this song for this contest is that it was incredibly popular among teenagers, especially teenage girls when it first came out. Yet, you listen to it today and it's still something we can all relate to. I don't know about you, but I've always interpreted the parents' lines to be somewhat sarcastic. In other words, they're saying they gave her everything, but really they did not, and that's why the girl is leaving. I think the relationship between the girl and her parents is probably what this piece should most explore in order to be most effective.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions, and thanks for entering!
Hello, Adrian here for a review
This story definitely is short but you clarified this extremely well and I don't really think you need to add any more to it. Great job on that part. Your grammar and spelling is spot on so I don't really have anything to correct.
so with all that being said, I think you did a fantastic job at writing this, it's really good.
sorry, this is such an awful review haha I'm not used to writing reviews for anything other than poetry.
but anywayyyy.. good job really but my only complaint is please raise the rating to 18+ I feel that it was maybe a little more mature than just a 16+ rating.
that is all for me but maybe someone else can point something else out.
I look forward to seeing more from you in the future pal
have a great rest of the day and happy writing
>Adrian
Behold, a review! Happy review day!
First off, great job building suspense in first segment! That is not what I was expecting, and the tone of first few paragraphs makes this scene catch the reader off guard. You also brought in some little details that set a light-hearted sort of tone that really contrasted with the message in the first portion, like Kara noticing the sunlight on her shag rug.
One thing I couldn't figure out: is the man the mother's husband or her father? He's referred to as "the husband," but once and the mother calls her "daddy." Some clarification could help.
The rest is just little issues with individual sentences.
The rope tied onto the ceiling fan sways without any wind prompting it to.
Ending in a preposition doesn't fit quite well with the formal tone.
"Why would she treat us so thoughtlessly? How could she do this to me?"
This is an odd thing for a mother to say upon discovering that her child has run away. I'm wondering if you were trying to portray her as selfish?
Her eyes seem to avoid the sight in front of her, but she can't deny the star of the show.
"Seem" doesn't sound quite right here. Maybe "try"?
Overall very nicely done! And sort of heavy! I'm going to go eat chocolate to make myself feel better!
1. she didn't run away
she committed suicide
2. this was based off of a Beatles song, she's leaving home. lyrics here.
3. glad you enjoyed!
Yup, I got the suicide part, but I didn't know it was a based on a Beatles song. Good to know!
Hi DemonGoddess! It's Koitsubaki here. I've been on a horror splurge recently, and how timely is it that YWS just provided me recently with another horror short? I'm pretty excited to talk about this!
Before anything else though, I think you should see this review as one from a horror fan expecting a horror story (I saw the tag "Horror," that's why). Upon looking at the other reviews, I thought that I would have a different attitude towards this compared to them. I just want you to know my attitude towards this story when I came into it.
So, let's get straight to it.
To be very honest, this story isn't very scary. It made me feel a bit heavy in a few parts, but it didn't unseat me so much. For starters, there is barely any physical or mental horror on this.
Actually, it's okay not to show gore, corpses or anything like that in a horror story, but you have to make the mental horror extra strong to make up for it. Speaking of which, it's strange that you don't dive deep into Kara's state of mind, even if she's the narrator. The tone feels like it was from a regular non-horror story, with the way you portray her thinking and movements.
The scary part about mental horror is that it reminds us that contrary to what we believe, our minds are very fragile. You can pull that off by making your tone unpleasant. Selectively corrupt the words you use to portray your characters. Instead of simply saying her mother pushed through the father's arms, you could corrupt it by likening her movements to a clumsy, desperate beast, or using rough words like "nerve-shattering" to describe her scream.
You can also pull off mental horror by making your characters act and think abnormally. The only part where I got the chills was when Kara smiled right before she killed herself. That's just eerie. No one in their right mind would simply smile so calmly, almost happily like that in the face of death. That would be greatly boosted though by making your tone more sickly and dysphoric.
In the end, I don't feel too unsettled around her. I still feel safe around her. I don't see myself in her. I don't feel like I'll deteriorate mentally, fall into depression so crippling I'll gladly take my own life, just like she did. I'm just not scared of her. If you want to improve your mental horror, I suggest reading Poe, Lovecraft, or any other great horror writer.
Another thing that defuses the horror is how generic Kara is. In fact, she's the stereotypical edgy kid with black and red tastes. That makes the horror lose its value because -- hey! -- I'm just seeing the same tropes and archetypes I'm so tired of. In fact, it makes me feel safer, because I realize that this is just a cliche horror story.
This could have been helped by developing her character more, something you missed out on. One question I had running all throughout was "why?" There was never a clear reason why she was compelled to suicide. There's her vague reason of being denied fun, but that wasn't elaborated on, either. It would have helped if you did something like flash some subtle details. For example, a leather belt in the house which she deliberately avoids. It makes your character more uniquely whole by giving them an underlying history and reasons why they act like they do in the present, on top of stimulating the readers' imaginations and sliding lower below the thousand-word limit.
In summary, the horror in this story is insufficient. Don' worry though, because you're oriented in the right direction. You have the common elements like depression, suicide, and hints of parental abuse. However, you need to add more bloody viscera to the bare skeleton of your story if you want it to go down the horrifying path.
Those are all for my points. I hope you enjoyed my review! Seriously, I was thinking I was the only one in this site who likes horror. Do you do this often? Also, did you name the main character after yourself? If so, that's kinda creepy *brrr*
If you want to talk any more about the story, it'll be my pleasure.じゃね! owo
~恋椿
I absolutely positively LOVE horror. Right now I%u2019m writing a dystopian horror short story that I am extremely looking forward to posting on here.
Yes, I named her after myself.
Thank you for the review. I will keep those things in mind as I write a third draft.
That's so cool! Now I have more respect for you umu
After your contest though, can I have your blessing in taking the main premise of the story and create my own spin on it? I think it would be interesting for myself and others to see the same story told differently.
mwuahahahahahah
of course you can! Just give me credit and put me as coauthor
@WhosabellCanWrite @MJTucker
Murphy here for a review.
I want to hate this piece but it has such an important message to it. It's relatable on so many levels. I just hate crying and this piece brought tears to my eyes because I have known people who have committed suicide and it sucks. I know that if I hadn't stayed friends with my best friend she would probably fall into that big dark hole and that would break my heart. I like how you don't give the ending away right away. It gives it the suspense feel. At first I thought this was going to be about running away from home and then BAM! the story definitely keeps you at the edge of your seat.
The only thing I would say I didn't like was the switch between past and present tense. It made a little confusing. If it was supposed to be there, there's no transition to indicate that it is.
I think that's all I got for this. Thanks for the read! I'm gonna go blow my nose now.
Hi, DemonGoddess. Pan swinging by for a quick review. Seeing as this is so short, I'm going to take it section by section and give you my thoughts on what works and what could be tweaked. Let's go!
Not really any complaints about this intro. The imagery is clear, the sentence structure is nice and varied, and it has intrigue. One thing I would suggest is perhaps changing 'there is a sunset outside of my window' to a more active construction such as 'the sun sets outside my window'. I always find that 'there is' is a bit of a bland way of phrasing things - try and go for more interesting, dynamic verbs.
Okay, the main thing I'm noticing is that the tense completely switches here. In the first paragraph, we've got present tense, but from that point on it changes to past. Make sure it's consistent across the piece. Other than that, this paragraph is fine.
You do seem to write from quite a distance. You seem very aware of what your reader doesn't know, and that awareness actually pulls me out of the story a bit. It's mainly this bit:
I silently closed my bedroom door, as to not disturb the dogs who were currently sleeping on my parents' bed.
It's quite hard to explain what bothers me about this, but I'll do my best. It almost feels like you're too aware of your audience. The narrator obviously knows where the dogs are, so it feels like the only reason she really draws attention to it is to fill the reader in on the information, which pulls me out of the story. It's the difference between this:
I pick up the phone. My eleven-year-old sister Katie's voice buzzes in my ear.
And this:
I pick up the phone. Katie's voice buzzes in my ear.
Can you see what I'm getting at? By signposting and explaining who Katie is in the first example, the reader feels like they're being addressed. However, when you don't stop to explain, the story feels natural, more private. What I'm really trying to say, in a ridiculously long-winded way, is that I'd prefer if you didn't say where the dogs were. The information isn't crucial, and it made me feel like the narrator was too aware of me.
This is fine as well, though the tense slips again at the end with 'is'. I was a bit uncertain when you started describing the room, but you're just vague and brief enough that you get away with it. You could maybe go for a stronger verb rather than the 'silently closing' combination, as you used that earlier in the piece. 'Easing the door closed' might work.
Also, I do think the end of this paragraph could be subtler. When you start talking about the fan and the 'plan of leaving home', it becomes completely obvious what's going to happen. If you had something like this:
I made my way back up to my room, easing the door closed again. I glanced around my room. An ordinary, emo teenage room with dark posters, black carpet, red comforter, black and red everything.
Even a black ceiling fan.
This is obviously just a suggestion, but I feel like this is a little more delicate. The reader would still linger on the ceiling fan and get a sense that it was important, but we'd be a bit more uncertain about why it was important . Then you'd mention the rope and the realisation would come flooding in.
Hmm. This is okay, but it doesn't quite pack the punch I think you're going for. It's too tell-y for me. Part of me thinks it would be a lot more powerful if you just had the narrator approach the rope and slip it around their neck, with very little commentary about their internal feelings. You could maybe have them smile as they put the rope around the neck, if you want to show that they're happy about it.
You're telling a bit too much here, as well. Don't tell us she's still worried about her daughter, show her biting her lip and or fiddling with her fingers or hesitating before she nods - things that show distraction and uncertainty. You don't need to tell us that she 'decided to check on her daughter', either, because that much is shown by her following actions.
Most of this section is fine, but I don't really believe the woman's dialogue. I doubt she would assume from the note that her daughter was dead or vanished - at the very least, she would push into the room and see if she was inside. I also don't really get the 'why would she treat us so thoughtlessly' bit; even if she's not a very loving mother, it seems like a bizarre response to have. At that point, she'd just be shocked, disbelieving, confused - her thoughts would barely be coherent.
It's a decent enough end, but it feels a bit rushed to me. You pass over a lot of information. Telling isn't bad, but you shouldn't be doing it in times of high emotion. We need to see grief to believe it, so being so brief makes the ending a little limp.
That's all I've got to say for today! It's not far off as a piece, but I feel like the first half is much stronger than the second. Try and focus on being a bit more subtle; show where you can rather than relying so much on telling.
Best of luck with the comp!
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thank you!
For Elinor's contest, I had to base it off of the song "I'm Leaving Home" by The Beatles. Therefore, the woman's dialogue.
Damn Kara. You know, this inspires me for my short story... hmmm, yeah, I've got something good planned.
SO, hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :p
I am gonna review this whille I am here and have time.
To start this off, great story! You've defienetly got a good chance at winning Lumi's contest! I notice no grammar or spelling mistakes and it was written well.
It did seem rather obvious that the girl was going to kill herself but hey, that was your point, no?!
I think it's a great piece. The grammar is perfect and the sentences are well constructed. There's a nice flow to the story. It is quite heartbreaking to see that "her leaving home" is actually something even more morbid. Although there seems to be no emotional connection between the parents and the daughter, there must be something, for she still refers to the act as "leaving home", albeit happily. There are multiple layers in this story that one cannot overlook and I think that is great.
Good job! Keep writing.
Cheers!