z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Quest for Fire Book one ~ Into the Mists Chapter 3

by felistia


“You're on time, surprisingly,” Hisster noted coldly as Zoltar walked into the throne room the next morning.

“Yes sir,” Zoltar yawned, rubbing his eyes. Last night had been terrible. Every time he’d closed his eyes the Exltron had been there, haunting his dreams with its glowing red eyes. Screams and shouts had echoed in his ears the whole night and at one point Zoltar had thought that he’d been back in that forest with the beast.

Finally morning had come breaking the night of fitful sleep, though Zoltar was starting to wonder whether being with Hisster was going to be much better. The chief seemed to be back to his old antagonistic self again and had seemingly forgotten about the Exltron.

“ZOLTAR!” Hisster roared, snapping Zoltar out of his daze, “Stand up straight for suffering serpents’ sake and stop yawning. Honestly, how long is it going to take before you start acting like a real soldier?”

Zoltar remand silent. He couldn’t be bothered with Hisster today. All he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and hide. Unfortunately he had to go with Hisster and confront the Howler Dragons which was enough to put any dragon in a bad mood.

After seeing that Zoltar wasn’t going to answer, Hisster rolled his eyes and stormed out the room. Zoltar slowly followed the larger Shadow Talon up the tunnel, his wings drooping and his tail trailing limply behind him like a dead snake. He just didn’t know how to feel. Emotions were bombarding him from all directions. One second his insides felt like they were boiling, then the next second they seemed to have wilted like dry plants.

The sun hit them full in the face as they left the darkness of the tunnels, but Zoltar didn’t even flinch. It felt like he was floating through nothingness and there was no end in sight.

Hisster spread wide his wings as they billowed like the clouds of dark ash streaming from the volcano behind them. He looked back at Zoltar and another look of disapproval flashed across his face. Muttering to himself he lifted into the air, his wings tossing up clouds of dust.

Zoltar unfurled his wings and leapt into the air. The sun was a burning scarlet behind the black ash and smoke choking the sky. The wind tossed painful red sparks and smouldering hot embers against Zoltar scales, but he didn’t care if they burnt him. Life was dead to him and everything around him just felt numb.

After about an hour of flying through harsh plumes of ash, they finely reached the forbidden hills. The land below them was bare, with only the skeleton like remains of once lush spring green trees. Not a breath of wind was in the air and thick black ash choked the burnt earth. There wasn't a green bush or tree for as far as the eye could see. What had happened here and how could the Howler Dragons live here? What did they eat in this barren wasteland? Zoltar swallowed the lump building in his throat.

Zoltar took in a deep lungful the air, searching for signs of danger. He regretted it immediately as he was sent into a loud coughing fit as harsh ash and bitter smoke filled his lungs. Fighting to stop coughing, he slapped a paw over his snout, hoping it would muffle the sound.

Hisster shot him a for-crying-out-loud-be-quiet look. Zoltar nodded and continued to scan the ground below. A rabbit warren of gaping holes littered the vast land and thick yellow smoke streamed from dark entrances. The only sound was a faint rumbling echoing from below Zoltar, making his scales tingle with nerves. Every minute seemed to last for an eternity and the feeling of small ants creeping over his scales crossed over him, causing to him to shiver in fear. He wanted to get out of this silent desert and away from the evil feeling pulsing from the ground below.

Suddenly a blood-curdling howl filled the air around them. Zoltar flinched and missed a wing beat, faltering in the air for a few seconds before righting himself.

“What was that?” Zoltar asked in panic, his heart pounding like a drum. It sounded way too similar to the Exltron’s awful roars.

“Those are the Howler Dragons. We are close,” Hisster replied, who didn’t seem to be rattled by the unearthly calls at all.

Suddenly, Hisster tucked his wings and swooped into a dive much like a peregrine falcon. Zoltar folded his wings and plunged down after Hisster. The wind battered his face and pulled at his wings as if telling him to turn back as the black earth rush towards him. At the last second Hisster and Zoltar snapped open their wings and landed gently on the ground.

The earth was soft with soot under Zoltar’s paws as he followed Hisster up a deserted hill. His nerves on edge, Zoltar strained his ears to hear anything other than the sound of his own footsteps. Nothing, just cold, dead silence met his ears. He cringed, realizing the rumbling had stopped. Zoltar flexed his claws, ready to fight if he had to.

When they had neared to top of the slope a strange whooshing sound swept over the top like the sound of small wings flapping. Hisster carried on over the peak unconcerned. There was a shout and a loud thwack. Zoltar stiffened and only just had enough time to see a huge black dragon leap over the hill before it smacked him over the head with its hard tail. Everything went black.


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383 Reviews


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 8:02 am
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Sujana wrote a review...



This'll be the last review I'm sending in for now, because I have to address the rest of the green room after this. I'll come back some time later, or perhaps if I've eaten all the short stories in the green room I'll return here to serve you once again.

Now, I wanted to start this review with something I just noticed--

“You're on time, surprisingly,” Hisster noted coldly as Zoltar walked into the throne room the next morning. (...) “That’s the howler dragons. We are close,” Hisster replied coldly, who didn’t seem to be rattled by the unearthly calls at all.


--you repeated 'coldly' twice in this work, and for the same character. I mean, of course you can, because it's spaced out well enough, but it just strikes me as questionable diction. You could use other words, and you went with the least descriptive, most vague word fit only for big playground meanies. You could always use a more interesting word, there are plenty of synonyms for coldly. 'spitefully', for instance. And in any case, I suggest you tone down the adverbs. It's better to display actions than describe with thin adverbs (aka words that end with -ly).

Now, since I've already stated everything you know about what I think before, I'll just deconstruct the problems of the text and leave it at that.

What had happened here and how could the howler dragons live here.


End this in a question mark. You know, because it's a question.

Zoltar took in a deep lungful the air, searching for sighs of danger.


I think you might've wanted 'sights' in there, not sighs.

That’s the howler dragons.


Those are the howler dragons. That's is a squashed version of That is, which refers to a singular noun, not a plural.

As for character, Hisster seems a little bit more well developed here, but only somewhat. I hope to see this progress further, and I'd like to see how the dynamics of these two characters will work out (if they will be together for the rest of the book).




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Sun Jun 26, 2016 12:23 am
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RippleGylf wrote a review...



Hello, Ripple again! Really enjoying this so far.

“You're on time, surprisingly,” Hisster noted coldly as Zoltar walked into the throne room the next morning.
“Yes sir,” Zoltar mumbled sleepily. Last night had been terrible. Dreams of black beasts with burning red eyes had haunted him the whole night, the echoes of its blood curdling roar and Scorpus's screams still clouding his mind.
“Oh, for goodness sake stand up straight, Zoltar! Stop slouching, and for suffering serpents’ sake, stop yawning. Honestly, how long is it going to take you to start acting like a proper soldier,” Hisster roared, lashing his poisonous tail as he stormed out the room.
“Depends,” Zoltar murmured again with a note of sarcasm. He slowly followed Hisster up the tunnel, his wings drooping sadly and his tail trailing limply behind him like a dead snake.

There’s too many emotions here for there to be one consistent tone. We go from annoyed, to dark, then back to annoyed, then sarcastic, then sad. While I expect that Zoltar is feeling a jumble of emotions, it feels confusing to the reader to jump around so much.
Hisster opened his wings so that they billowed like the clouds of dark ash streaming from the volcano behind them. He looked back at Zoltar and another look of disapproval flashed across his face. Muttering to himself he lifted into the air, his wings tossing up clouds of dust.

I love the comparison of wings to clouds of ash, but saying “Hisster opened his wings so that they billowed…” implies that Hisster is trying to make his wings billow like the clouds of ash, which doesn’t seem quite right.
After about an hour of flying through harsh plumes of chest burning ash they finely reached the forbidden hills. The land below them was bare, with only the skeleton like remains of once lush spring green trees. Not a breath of wind was in the air and thick black ash choked the burnt earth. There wasn't a green bush or tree for as far as the eye could see. What had happened here and how could the howler dragons live here. What did they eat in this barren wasteland? Zoltar swallowed the lump building in his throat. Something was not right here.

“Chest burning” is an odd choice of adjective. I understand that the harsh plumes would indeed be burning their chests, but it seems awkward, even in context. I also feel like the last sentence is redundant. The tone of the whole paragraph is saying, “Something’s wrong, can’t you feel it?” No need to reiterate.
Zoltar took in a deep lungful the air, searching for sighs of danger.

Are you trying to say “Zoltar took in a deep lungful of the air, searching for signs of danger.” ?
Every minute seemed to last for an eternity and the feeling of small ants creeping over his scales crossed over him, causing to him to shiver in fear.

That’s a nice way to describe that feeling. :D However, I don’t know if dragons would describe it as ants, or even have that feeling in the first place.
When they had neared to top of the slope a strange whooshing sound swept over the top like the sound of small wings flapping. Hisster carried on over the peak unconcerned. There was a shout and a loud thwack. Zoltar stiffened, looking around and only just had enough time to see a huge black dragon leap over the hill before it smacked him over the head with its hard tail. Everything went black.

“Unconcerned” is also an odd choice of words. The last sentence is a bit of a run-on, but I think you could fix that by taking out “looking around.”

I’m sincerely curious to see where this goes next. Keep writing!





You are all the colours in one, at full brightness.
— Jennifer Niven, 'All the Bright Places'