Zoltar rushed home towards the Shadow Lands. The wind from his wings churning the ocean as he soar low over the dark waters. A mountain loomed in front of him, its peak a blazing fury of scarlet and gold fire. Black clouds of chest burning spewed from the volcanoes gaping mouth.
Small tears ran down Zoltar’s snout as he neared home. His heart felt like teeth where tearing at it from the inside. Why hadn’t he insisted on taking Scorpus's place? A new wave of tears clouded his eyes as he admitted the reason; he'd been afraid. Terror had wiped away any hint of sense in him, even though he'd been trained to ignore things like that. What sort of Shadow Talon soldier acted that way under strain? Only a coward and Zoltar knew it with every bone in his body. Even normal Shadow Talons would have shown more control than him. It was just another sign that he didn't fit in and that he should have been the one to have gotten killed.
As if in agreement, the volcano rumbled and belched out more streams of molten rock. The rivers of glowing crimson lava twisted over the bleak landscape like snakes on their way to the sea. Caves potted the matted black hills of rock. Ash and sulfur clouded the scorching air. The foul gasses raked Zoltar's chest with toxic claws, causing him to cough and gasp.
Zoltar carefully landed on a slab of solid rock next to one of the numerous caverns carved out of the landscape. He flinched as a grey mouse ran over one of his claws. His stomach growled with hunger, but somehow the thought of blood just made his stomach churn like a raging sea. Sighing, he ducked inside the cave, relieved to be out of the intense heat.
Glowing fire rocks lit up the tunnel, their red light flickering in the murky darkness. Stale air clouded the passages. The floor felt rough under Zoltar’s scaly paws unlike the soft, green grass he longed for. He wished that the Shadow Talons could move back up onto the surface, but the air up there was just too blisteringly hot and could kill a dragon in hours. In these endless caverns the air was unpleasantly warm, but not fatal.
As Zoltar voyaged deeper underground, he passed many dark passageways that snaked off in many different directions. All was quiet in the corridor apart from the clacking of his claws on the rock. Three years ago the volcano had killed over half the tribe in the eruption, so a lot of the tunnels and rooms Zoltar passed were empty and the air felt hauntingly still like the souls of those who were lost were still wandering the tunnels as silent ghosts. The tribe had moved as far away from the volcano as possible to reduce the risk of another disaster. Though there was still the looming possibility that the volcano would belch out another massive eruption and take the rest of the Shadow Talons lives with it.
A shiver ran down Zoltar's spine as he remembered that dreadful day three years ago when the mountain had opened and spewed flaming death down on the Shadow Talon city below. They hadn't stood a chance against rivers of lava once they’d crashed into their houses and the ones who'd managed to get into the air had been knocked out of the sky by the burning boulders flying through the air. If it hadn't been for Scorpus demanding that he join the soldiers on their trip to gather food, he would have been killed just like the rest of his village. This thought caused a new wave of tears to fall from Zoltar’s eyes. Scorpus had always been there for him, comforting him when the other dragonets made fun of him or training him to become a soldier. Now he was gone forever, lost to the winds of time.
Zoltar sniffed, wiping away his tears. He knew that the chief demanded that a soldier ignore personal grief and focus on completing the mission. Entering the throne room with tears streaking down your snout was the exact opposite of what he should do. Scorpus would want him to be strong and deliver the information like a proper soldier.
Zoltar reached the end of the tunnel, which finished in a large room lit by many scarlet fire stones. In the middle of the room was a beautiful gold throne with a hefty, black Shadow Talon about the size of a bull elephant seated on it. His violet, curved horns glinted like polished glass and his poisonous barbed tail rested like a waiting snake next to his throne. He narrowed his cat like eyes as Zoltar walked into the room. Zoltar spread his wings elegantly and bowed, waiting for the dragon's commands, just as Scorpus had taught him.
"What news do you bring of the island?" the chief asked in a deep rumbling voice, staring at Zoltar with his glowing eyes.
"Scorpus is d-d-dead,” Zoltar blurted, just the mention of Scorpus’s death causing his chest to tighten. A tide of emotions was its self against his heart and it took every ounce of his will power not to collapse to the floor sobbing. After a few seconds to recompose himself, Zoltar continued, “So is Mowzan.” This time there was a touch of steel on the edge of his voice. No emotions cascading against his chest. There was nothing. In his heart of hearts Zoltar knew why. He was glad Mowzan was gone. That dragon had been the bane of his life since he’d be a hatchling.
“We were investigating the island like you instructed,” Zoltar started, trying to sound as formal as possible under the circumstances, “By sundown we’d found nothing. I strongly suggested to the others that we should r-return.” Zoltar’s voice started to waver and he had to force down the torrent of emotions sweeping through his head. Taking a deep breath, he continued, “Despite my warnings, Scorpus and Mowzan decided that it would be best if we carried on a bit longer. The sun had just about set when we heard a roar come from the east side of the island,” Shivers ran down Zoltar’s spine, “Once again I told them that we should turn back, but still they didn’t listen. Instead they decided to follow the sound. We were ambushed by a panther like beast. It was t-ten times our size and much faster. We d-d-didn’t stand a c-c-chance,” Zoltar realized he was starting to stutter and tried to stomp down the feelings building inside him, but it didn’t work this time, “S-S-Scorpus ended up sacrificing himself for me,” Barely a whisper came out as a thin tear ran down Zoltar’s snout. He desperately tried to look like he wasn’t upset, but the tears just wouldn’t stay down. Sniffing, he wiped his eyes.
“Wait,” the chief hissed, “Go back to the part about the panther. Describe what it looked like again.”
Zoltar stood there for a second in bewilderment. Wasn’t Hisster going to yell at him about what a shameful soldier he was? He shook his head in amazement, but did as the chief asked, “Well…it was about three times larger than you and had a very cat-like build. It was covered from head to toe in these kind of diamond black scales all the way down to its spear-like tail,” Zoltar swallowed the lump building his throat, the image of what he’d encountered streaking vividly through his mind. Red glowing eyes staring straight into your soul and sharp bat-like ears tracking every move he made. A shiver ran down his spine. Nothing in this world could have be worse than that encounter.
Zoltar looked back up at Hisster to find that the Shadow Talon had started to tremble. A strange red light had come into his eyes and his tail was lashing dangerously back and forth.
“Are you okay?” Zoltar asked in a whisper. The only time he’d see Hisster like this had been after the volcano eruption had wiped out over half the tribe, including his own family. It had been a tragic day for many Shadow Talons. Not one dragon in the tribe hadn’t lost a loved one. Hisster had never been the same since.
Hisster growled threateningly, whispering, “I thought it was gone for good. This could ruin the whole mission.”
“What? What is it?” Zoltar asked anxiously.
“Follow me,” Hisster ordered, getting up from his throne. He strode past Zoltar, his back spines bristling. Zoltar followed him up the tunnel, curiosity willing him to go faster. All the way Hisster growled and muttered angrily to himself, “It can’t be. It’s not possible. It was supposed to be gone.”
Finally they turned down another tunnel into a huge library piled to the ceiling with shelves and shelves of scrolls. The air was filled with the pleasant smell of musty books.
Hisster marched past Zoltar over to a section labelled: Myths and Legends. He stood there scanning the rolls of brown paper until he pulled out an old, dusty scroll. He blew on it softly, sending a cloud of fine dust floating through the air. Hisster gently opened the document and proceeded to skim over the contents. After a few minutes he inhaled sharply and let out a small snarl.
“What is it?” Zoltar asked longingly. His insides felt like they were being slowly eaten.
“What you happened to encounter was an animal called an Exltron,” Hisster began, his voice laced with irritation as he took the scroll and placing it back on the shelf, “I already knew of this creature before sending you to the island, but since it was thought to be extinct I took no notice of it. Apparently that wasn’t the case.”
Zoltar gritted his teeth and his tail barb trembled. Hisster had sent them to the island knowing that they might run into some ancient dragon killer and didn’t even have the decency to warn them about it. Even now he didn’t even have the grace to look the least bit guilty about it. Zoltar breathed deeply to try and calm his nerves. There was a touch of steel in his voice as he stated, “Sir, I really think we should try and find another island.”
“I will not be bested by some creature that is supposed to be dead. We have been looking for an island for the last three years. Do you know what will happen if I tell the tribe that we have to wait longer? No, we'll go to the forbidden hills to see the Howler Dragons. They'll be able to get rid of that Exltron.” Hisster snarled, throwing back his head defiantly.
A strange coldness swept over Zoltar at the mention of the Howler Dragons, “But sir, bringing the Howler Dragons into it could just make things worse. You know what happened the Lightning Talons. I really don’t think this is a good idea.”
“I make the decisions around here and we are going and you are coming with me. The other soldiers are busy and should only be back tomorrow evening. We leave at dawn and don’t be late. I need your navigation skills to find the way. You will find that I am a lot stricter then Scorpus.” Hisster growled, striding out of the room.
Raking his talons against the hard lava floor, Zoltar glared at Hisster. Scorpus had cared for him since he was one year-old and had taught Zoltar every trick he knew and after twenty years together Scorpus and Zoltar had formed a strong bond. Hisster talking about his mentor and father in that way just made Zoltar’s insides boil.
“When this all goes south, I am not pulling you out of the muck,” Zoltar hissed bitterly to himself as he walked home.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hey there! Sorry it took me so long. You've already got some lovely reviews on this, so I'll just add a few things.
First of all: DRAGONS ARE AWESOME <3 I found it really interesting reading the first chapter where there was the giant panther because generally when you think about dragons, they're the biggest, most scariest things around and aren't afraid of anything. So I love the concept that the dragons have things to be afraid of, too! It makes me wonder how big these dragons are, though.
I don't feel like he's really upset. Show us how he feels- make us feel his pain. His father just died, how is he going to react to it? Simply having him state that he feels guilty doesn't feel like enough. Maybe he keeps flying and keeps flying and goes past the village because he can't go back there and tell them- and he can't make himself stop flying because he just has to keep moving because, I don't know, if he stops he'll have to think about it? Remember the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. There's a whole range of emotions you can work with in there, and come up with the right stages and reactions for your character. Help us empathise with your character by giving him more emotions on the loss of his father!
Err, what? What does "caves potted" mean? And the hills are matted how? Imagery is an awesome tool, but the images have to connect somehow, and make sense. Vague imagery is mostly just confusing. You might want to refer the caves to pinpricks, or chicken pox instead of "potted" because all though I sort of see what you were trying to do... it doesn't quite work and I'm not sure how to explain why. It feels like you're trying to get away with less words by using "potted" but it just makes it less easy to understand. You might want to try something like: Caves were potted everywhere in black hills of rock like gaping holes into [I'm sure you can do better than "nothingness" here]. Hoefully that was helpful. I'm sorry, I know my explaining can be ridiculous.
You use a LOT of adjectives. Adjectives are great every once in awhile, but when you use them too much it just bogs down the writing. Chances are I know gasses are foul. I used to use adjectives a lot as well- I know it seems like it's making the image better, but it's really just another word to read that doesn't give us a lot.
I believe since this is the name of a place/group/etc, each word needs to be capitalised.
It's only the second chapter, and there's not a whole lot of writing just yet, so it's a bit understandable- but I feel like we should be getting a better feel for your MC at this point. So far my feeling of him is that he's a bit anxious, and possibly quite young. That's about it though. What are his views on whatever? I don't get a real sense of how his character thinks, other than him being anxious.
Anyway, interesting concept! Keep it up! ^_^ You've got a great start!!!
-Socks
Thanks for the review. Before you review anymore could you wait a few weeks. After all the review's I got on review day I've got a lot of rewriting to do, so could you maybe wait a bit till I've done some of the rewriting please.
Yup, no worries! c:
I know you're probably sick of hearing this now, but show don't tell is a very important part of the writing process. Duh. But no, there's a very good reason for it--if you decide to tell more than show, you end up with writing that seems extremely flat, along with characters that lack dimensions. But that last one I'll talk about later.
Firstly, what do I mean by show, don't tell? You seem to be showing everything in the text. It's not like you're infodumping the reader everywhere (well, except for that one part that does seem a bit infodumpy, but I'll get to that later). And yes, you are using the conventional form of show don't tell--but that's still not enough. You're still telling the readers how to feel--
--And while you do let us into his mind for a little while, we still don't feel what Zoltar feels because--well, you know what I said in the first chapter? Yeah, the fact that we know very little of the character now is still crucial. Him crying is a good start to show what's happening here, but I think if we actually see what great friends his buddies were before they, you know, died, I think the audience could relate a little better.
"Wait, so I'm not allowed to even say the word sadness or anger?" That's a very radical way to put it, but in a way, yes. "I am sad" does not have the same effect as "My mentor and my friend just got killed by a monster, and my boss isn't even letting me weep for their lifeless bodies". I did not get the effect of the latter here.
Also, let's talk about infodumping. Listen here--your worldbuilding is amazing. You seem to know every single nook and cranny of your world, and you describe it beautifully, but that's not enough. You can tell me that Mount Everest is 8,848 meters high, sits in the Mahalangur mountain range, and is the tallest mountain according to peak. It is a completely different matter when you bring me to Mount Everest and tell me to climb it. Show, don't tell strikes again--
--and the howler dragons definitely need it. Sure, they could be awesome. But now that you've told me all about them, I wouldn't know, because I don't care anymore. You know why? Because you just told me everything I needed to know about them. It's like reading a Wikipedia article to a good movie, just sort of spoils the cinematic experience. My advice is make Zoltar say something along the lines of "The howler dragons? Are you an inept lunatic? Those lot are more dangerous than the Exltron himself, do you really think dousing fire with gasoline will do any good to us?" Or some exclamation like that. Just having Zoltar tell us the dragons are powerful isn't enough, we actually have to feel the fear in his words. When I read the above, I don't feel fear. I feel like I'm reading a non-fiction article. An interesting non-fiction article, sure, but not exactly the most expressive and entertaining one.
Now, let's talk about this Hisster character. I'm not really interested in seeing where this character goes, because, and I'm sorry to say this so early on, he just comes off as a cardboard cutout bully to make the protagonist seem better. I mean, not a bad strategy, it's definitely worked before, but for it to work here he has to be a) clever, b) humorously stupid, or c) three-dimensional. Preferably the third one, but the first two work as well in extreme situations. "But Ellstar, how can you say he's not three dimensional when you're only two chapters into the book?" Because you immediately introduced him as a gigantic jerk to the main character without any redeeming qualities. He has no reason to insult the protagonist, he has no reason to be hard on the protagonist, and if he does, you will have to bend over backwards to portray that because currently, the audience and I can't see anything reasonable about nearly shooting the messenger and striking down a valid argument. Does he just dislike the protagonist? In that case, show him with someone he likes? Is he just a jerk to everybody? In that case, why? Is he a psychopath? Is he a troubled individual? If so, how did he get to be a boss character? Is it just because he's more powerful than the rest of the dragons? I'm hoping this might get answered later on, so currently I might just be overreacting, but understand I am only overreacting because I have read too many of these types of characters that I've grown a trigger for anytime I notice some of the common attributes/symptoms.
Anyway, let's see how the next chapters are doing.
Hello again! Ripple here to review more of what looks to be a really cool work.
This imagery is just amazing, I think it's one of your strengths as a writer. However, you seem to have a habit of putting similarly structured sentences next to each other. By mixing up the structures of sentences, you add more complexity to your prose, if that makes any sense.
I love this internal struggle. Very nice.
Again, you have two similar sentences containing similes side by side. (Try saying that five times fast.) Also, breath vs. breathe. The vErb has an "E", the noun does not.
This seems to run-on a bit, and I'm not sure that the simile works in this particular situation.
I was a bit confused about who "His" referred to when reading it for the first time. The two separate similes in the same sentence seemed a bit odd as well.
I think you can safely assume that the reader can figure out by themselves that disrespect towards a higher officer would be frowned upon. Try not to tell the reader so directly.
This explanation feels like something you'd find in a textbook rather than from the mouth of a respected and feared Shadow Talon official. Try to inject more character into your dialogue.
Again, this seems out-of-character when compared to Hisster's physical appearance and the impression that the reader gets from that.
Hopefully that helps some. Keep writing!
Thanks for the review. I'll go and make the make the changes right away.