Young Writers Society

Hey Legacy, love Ed Sheeran, so this was neat to read with the song playing in my head.

So I'd love to see you take the POV a bit further, even if it messes up some of syllable count in some places - you could go further just changing "you" to "I" and "saw" to "you saw".

For instance every time it says "you looked" or "I saw" -- just changing the pronoun doesn't change the perspective too much, it's subject is still outside of the person doing all the action.
So rather than saying "you saw me in another's arms" you could say "I was there in another's arms" - do you see how that makes the subject even more clearly outside the original perspective?

There were other places you could take another step to change it up more too. Like rather than saying that the guy saw her laugh - you could actually say what the joke was. It's also odd from a first person perspective to say "I looked happier" -- it doesn't seem sincere. You could change it to "I was happier" or "I tried to look happier" depending on what you're trying to portray.

Overall, it was a creative thing to do with a song, but I'd love if you took it a bit further exploring this other perspective.

best,

alliyah


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Hello, @Thisislegacy! I am here to review your work and to lead the Red Pandas to victory this Review Day! Let me begin by just saying that I am a stranger to Ed Sheeran's work as I do not like his genre and his music is just not for me. Still, I am going to try to review this to the best of my ability and give this poem the benefit of the doubt by assuming that the grammatical errors and/or irregular wording is just from the song itself, and not you. Let's begin,

First off, I noticed an error you made when translating the POV, or an error that Ed Sheeran made that he never bothered to fix. The line "You am still in love with me" doesn't make a lot of sense, as it should be are in love with me. It would be funny if Ed Sheeran was just referring to himself and asking himself if he still loves himself or if he wants to change and become and entirely different person. Either way, this does not take too much away form the poem itself and it may just add a little bit of meaning to it.

That's all for errors. Everything else sounded like the natural errors that you find in pop songs that make the song flow or feel more natural to sing. I really liked reading this, even if I did not get the context or understand what it was about very much. I hope to review more of your work soon. See you later! ZeldaIsShiek- OUT!