Fallen

by Thisislegacy

Published May 1, 2017

12+ Language

In Poetry

No one sees the world like I do.

They just really need to,

Stop saying things. I’m staying true,

To who I am.

My crew grew through the hard times.

They told me to fly to reach the sky,

And damn I flew.

-

They cannot even see me,

I’m so far gone now.

Gone, gone, down in the ground.

I went wrong, life got the best of me.

But like a bee, I need to flee,

From the situation I got myself into.

-

I see where my path has started to turn,

And now I plea to whoever will listen,

For help because if I do not get free,

Then I will die my friend,

That will be my bitter end.

-

My demons are beastly, are gutsy,

And to a degree they are starting to defeat me.

If I do not get free, then I will die my friend,

That would be my bitter end.

We are the fallen, we have fallen.

If we do not get free, then we will die my friend,

That will be our bitter end.

-

We were told to reach the sky,

So that we will fly,

But they were wrong.

We fell so hard the ground shook.

-

I need to mend my head,

So that I can blend in.

I tend to spend my time fighting,

Not realizing,

That they have me pinned against the wall.

-

I do not mean to offend,

But we cannot pretend any longer,

That this is not a problem.

-

I recommend that we could not condescend,

Those who overextend themselves,

Into their impend-ing overhaustion,

Their only intend-tion was to save the fallen such as themselves.

-

We are the fallen, we have fallen.

If we do not get free, then we will die my friend.

That will be out bitter end.

We were told to reach towards the sky,

That we would, fly if we just tried hard enough.

-

We do not need to die

To get the result that we wish.

We are the fallen, we have fallen.

-

We cannot even begin to comprehend

How close some are to losing their lives

Because no one could send a friend,

Or spend some time

So that they would not ascend into the deep black pit that exists within their soul.

-

These misfits will grit their teeth and hit and slit their wrists,

Before they will ever admit that they need help.

They can make it or break it,

This problem that they have within themselves.

If they don’t commit, lickety split, this hypocrite.

-

Isn’t it funny how someone will submit,

Before they quit,

If only it will fit their objectives,

With the little bit of wit they have left.

-

They told us to fly to reach the sky,

And damn we flew.

-

Our eyes are dry as we cry.

We try to be the good guy,

But nearby we see,

The demons lurking in the shadows.

These sly demons are an outcry,

That will only pass by for now.

They will come back,

Causing a supply of rope neckties,

As people stand by, blind,

As the suffers are tongue tied.

Our only ally is the bad guy

That will untie and imply the thoughts that we were already thinking.

-

Multiply,

Falsify,

Horrify,

Glorify,

Clarify and classify.

Mummify the battle cry.

Qualify and purify these tained minds.

Simply and verify,

Testify in public eye that we are not

Underlying and undermining the whole human race out of existence.

The butterfly is giving the evil eye,

It is not satisfied.

We need to amplify the lullaby to put it to sleep,

As we fortify our walls so no one will get in

And see the darkness inside.

Crucify the sacrifice,

As we begin to occupy our own minds.

-

We are the fallen, we have fallen.

If we do not get free, then we will die my friend,

That will be our bitter end.

We were told to reach the sky,

So that we will fly,

But they were wrong.

We fell so hard the ground shook.

-

We fall again and again.

We all in a ball

As we call for help now.

We feel so small.

Pulled like a ragdoll,

But above all,

This alcohol numbs us,

So we do not feel the withdraw

Of the demons in the dark.

-

They have left their mark

As we descend into nightfall.

As I recall,

The downfall,

The closecall,

Breathing in the lysol,

Methanol,

Aerosol, a curveball,

Thrown in our way because of a foul call.

-

We are the fallen, we have fallen.

If we do not get free, then we will die my friend,

That will be our bitter end.

We were told to reach towards the sky,

That we would fly if we would just try hard enough.

We do not need to die to get the result that we wish.

We are the fallen, we have fallen.



Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
sheysse
Review
sheysse wrote a review Review · May 2, 2017

Hey there! Shey here for a review! Let's jump into this thing!

Overall, I honestly loved this thing. It had an amazing rhythm and rhyme scheme, the latter of which may not have always been apparent, but it was enough to really enhance the read. This poem came across sounding a lot like a rap, and I don't know if that was intentional. For instance, the part where you start listing words in one line sentences. That part truly screamed rap.

Onto the comments. Stanzas, stanzas, stanzas. I think splitting this into stanzas would be a great to improve the structure of the story. You have great opportunities to split lines, and I think you know where they are as much as I do. Stanzas just make the poem less like a blob of words and more like a poem. If you're having trouble getting the formatting to work, here's a helpful resource. How to Format Poetry This has helped me numerous times when attempting to publish anything.

Other than that, you've pretty much made the best possible poem, and I haven't much else to say. So, I'll wrap up the review here. Great job, and keep up the awesome work!

-Shey

I had them split up before I published it. I don't know what happened.

User avatar
Hannah
Review
Hannah wrote a review Review · May 2, 2017

Hey there, Thisislegacy.

Man, what a ride. I first want to pull out some of the parts of this piece where I thought the flow and the rhyme were just working EXCELLENTLY, and got me wanting to move along with the rhythm. Those would be these:

As people stand by, blind,

As the suffers are tongue tied.

Our only ally is the bad guy


All the rhymes here feel so natural, and none of the sentence structures had to be warped to work with this rhythm -- this is what perfection looks like, when nothing seems forced and yet it all somehow works.

Multiply,

Falsify,

Horrify,

Glorify,

Clarify and classify.

Mummify the battle cry.

Qualify and purify these tained minds.

Simply and verify,


The rhythm here too was so awesome, it almost got me dancing along! I love the idea of the phrase 'mummify the battle cry", but the only problem is that I don't really understand what these words are referring to -- are they just verbs that this crew of people is doing? If so, why do we have multiply, but then we have simplify? We have horrify and also glorify? Am I taking it too seriously? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?!

Now, I really appreciate the emotional ride that this piece takes us on. At first, it seems to start out so optimistic and powerful -- like yeah, I flew! Look at how far I flew when my friends supported me and told me to fly! Except within like what feels like a stanza or so, suddenly the speaker's on the ground, and that gorgeous but sad refrain comes in:

If we do not get free, then we will die my friend.


There's obviously a deeper element to this poem than just describing the happiness of group.

Now, as I think back on what I read, I don't feel like there are distinct sections, and I think that happened because you tended to repeat the same idea in a similar way, so it felt like I was reading the same message several times in a row. If you find the time and motivation, I think it would be great to make these sections more distinct from each other.

As you look through the piece, I would also recommend checking for places where you don't feel quite satisfied with the words you've chosen; chances are the reader finds those places weird, too. For example, here were a couple of phrases I found awkward:

But like a bee, I need to flee,


Why does a bee need to flee? That's not the first animal I think of when I think of fleeing.

The demons lurking in the shadows.

These sly demons are an outcry,


The word demons seems out of place, but also, how can they be an outcry? What does that mean?

But above all,

This alcohol numbs us,

So we do not feel the withdraw


Here, alcohol seems out of place as well -- just the word! It feels too harsh among the more natural vocabulary you've been using. I think a solution to this AND to demon would be to introduce these words in by rhyming them with a previous line -- that way, they come in naturally and enter into the vocabulary of the poem so you can use them as you wish later.

I hope these thoughts make sense and are helpful to you! If you have any questions, feel free to send a PM or leave a reply here.

Thanks for sharing,

Hannah

This review courtesy of
Image

Thanks for the review. I will work on that. This work I haven't done anything to for a year and I feel like it needed some changed but I didn't know where. It does sounds nice read out loud.

I did intentionally write this as a rap but that isn't what happened. (I wrote it at 2 am while listening to both eminem and twenty one pilots). It's read as a slam poem.

User avatar
VegasLights
Review
VegasLights wrote a review Review · May 1, 2017

Hello, Thisislegacy! VegasLights here to give you a review!

The poem you have written is brilliant and beautifully written! I loved the words you used that gave me an image because the image you gave me was clear. This poem gave me chills and the good kind! So, let's get onto the actual review!

Despite everything that was good there is a few things that I would change. There was one group of lines that area really long compared to the other parts of the poem and I feel, that you should shorten that out. I also saw tons of repetition and I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I dislike repetition. To me, it was like reading the same paragraph over again and then I know what is going to happen. If I were you, I would change some of the words that you used to cancel out the repetition. There was also a couple words that you used that didn't fit the flow well.

Overall, the poem was brilliant and well thought out. It was just those few things that I noticed throughout the poem. I am sorry, if I came out rather negative but I am just a nitpick when it comes to those things. The flow of your poem was really good but the repetition made the flow a little slow. Sadly, all reviews must come to an end and here is the end of this one. I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!

xo. VegasLights
(Previously Steam1244)

You're fine. I originally wrote this to be like a rap in the early hours of the morning (like 2 am). Of course that isn't what happened. It sounds nice when read though. My friends said it sounds nice.

I did notice that the flow wasn't perfect when I read it out loud too but I don't know how to fix that.



What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice