z

Young Writers Society



In my eyes

by Thisislegacy


I smiled as

Her face came close to mine.

I closed my eyes 

And leaned in slowly 

-

 In my eyes 

she transcends every level 

or measure of beauty that anyone can achieve

she just walks in public 

and all the guys whistle to the tune of her steps and

that's the only music she makes. 

-

She cracks her knuckles 

and bites the right side of her lower lip 

only when she is nervous.

-

her favorite color is black though she is a ray of light

She believes that

She doesn't make an impact,

but she does, 

she always will.

-

She is my compass,

Showing me the way

Pushing me to do more

When I don't think I can

And she always proves me wrong

Because I strive to be more for her

-

a glimpse of her every day 

the angel that plays in my dreams,

I want to be her protector

The knight in shining armor

-

I hate how sometimes she drinks,

Making herself into what others want, 

when she is perfect already. 

-

In her eyes, 

She desires to achieve so much

but she can't

She already hit perfect.

-

Drowning in stress she doesn't need, 

I want to be her lifeboat. 

In the fire of hatred, 

I want to be her water. 

-

But she won't lean on me

Too fiercely independent, 

Someone too hard to love by most, 

-

In my eyes, 

I don't want anyone else. 

I don't want to lose her

-

So when she leans close 

I remind her how much I love her

Because I can't word it any other way

so that she can understand 

What I see in my eyes.

-

I wrote this poem from my boyfriend's point of view as he has had a hard time writing poetry about me and the idea just popped in my head to try to write one from his POV. 

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364 Reviews

Points: 15630
Reviews: 364

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Wed Jan 10, 2018 4:01 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello ThisisLegacy! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
I smiled as

Her face came close to mine.

I closed my eyes{,}

And leaned in slowly{.} {Once you use punctuation, always use punctuation}

-

In my eyes{,}

she transcends every level {or}[/b

measure of beauty that anyone can achieve[b]{.}

{S}he just walks in public{,}

and all the guys whistle to the tune of her steps and

that's the only music she makes.

-

She cracks her knuckles

and bites the right side of her lower lip{,}

{but} only when {she's} nervous.

-

her favorite color is black{,}

{though she is a ray of light.}

She believes that

{s}he doesn't make an impact, {same though}

but she does,

{and} she always will.

-

She is my compass,

{s}howing me the way{,}

{p}ushing me to do more {I'm not going to fix these opening letters anymore. Really look at your poem and decide if they're really needed. If you use no capitalization, then that would fix the problem.}

When I don't think I can

And she always proves me wrong

Because I strive to be more for her{.}

-

a glimpse of her every day {,}

the angel that plays in my dreams,

I want to be her protector{ -- }

The knight in shining armor{.}

-

I hate how sometimes she drinks,

Making herself into what others want,

when she is perfect already.

-

In her eyes,

She desires to achieve so much{,}

but she can't{,}

{For s}he {has} already hit perfect.

-

Drowning in stress {that} she doesn't need,

I want to be her lifeboat.

In the fire of hatred,

I want to be her water.

-

But she won't lean on me{ -- }

Too fiercely independent,

Someone too hard to love by most,{.}

-

In my eyes,

I don't want anyone else.

I don't want to lose her{.}

-

So when she leans close{,}

I remind her how much I love her{,}

Because I can't word it any other way{,}

so that she can understand{,}

What I see in my eyes.


My interpretation:



Well you already explained up there so I guess that I don't need to :P

Overall:



I did like it -- a very pretty poem. However, you do have some flow and grammatical issues, including but not limited to:

1. Capitalization in the beginnings of lines.

2. Punctuation at the ends of lines.

3. Line spacing.

They can be fixed by:

1. Reviewing stanzas as sentences, such as: "I hate how sometimes she drinks,/ Making herself into what others want,/ when she is perfect already." When you write it as a sentence, you get: "I hate how sometimes she drinks, Making herself into what others want, when she is perfect already." Do you see the grammatical errors? Do that with every stanza in the poem. Also, if you don't capitalize at all it'll work. You can also capitalize every single first word of a line, but I didn't notice you doing that....?

2. Well, just do the same thing up there :D it works.

3. Eh, I fixed those, so you're fine. Maybe read the poem out loud and see how the flow works (:

Keep up the great work!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Tue Jan 09, 2018 1:08 am
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lacorona wrote a review...



Hi! This is my first time reviewing on this site. If there's anything you'd like explained more, please let me know and I'll be glad to help out!

TL;DR:
- New reviewer (me!)

- Imagery could use a common thread

- Punctuation/capitalization is a little weird

- Work on flow maybe?

-------

So first, with the imagery. This has the potential to be a good poem! Talking about yourself through the lens of someone else is a good way to examine what you do and do not like about yourself. You can acknowledge your flaws and your high points without coming off sounding (super) narcissistic.

One issue I had with the poem was that all the images seem...disconnected. They don't really match well. Like, you have music first - okay. Then you make "her"(/you) into a symbol with nervousness. Okay. Then you have "her" as a compass. Then angels, knights in shining armor, lifeboats... I don't know what to feel.

It leaves me a little confused image-wise. Maybe pick a common theme (like guardian angel/knight in shining armor motif) to work through the entire poem, instead of using every image in the book. That could strengthen your message and give it a stronger sentiment.

-------

The punctuation and capitalization - where imagery is part of the flesh of the poem, these are your backbone. These affect how the poem is going to be read, and reading through this poem was a little...awkward for me.

I write free-verse poetry most of the time, so I get where you're trying to go with this. Unfortunately, if you wrote all these stanzas out as sentences, you'd see just how disjointed everything is. You have sentences like:

But she won't lean on me Too fiercely independent, Someone too hard to love by most, In my eyes, I don't want anyone else.


I suggest writing this poem out as a series of sentences and figuring out where to put the commas and periods that way. Using that method, you'll get grammatically correct sentences instead of run-on sentences that are confusing to the reader.

-------

Flow! I like flow. It's kind of enigmatic. It's the combination of a lot of different things, to me, between the punctuation and the images and the diction (word choice) of the poem itself. It has a beat to it. It's the way you breathe, and where you breathe, when you're reading the poem (even in your head!).

With this piece, I kind of had a hard time. My brain was all kinds of confused by your flow, and not just because of the punctuation. You used a lot of words that - well, they look like they fit together, but they don't make really coherent phrases. Exhibit 43A for the jury:
So when she leans close I remind her how much I love her Because I can't word it any other way so that she can understand What I see in my eyes.
Even reading this as a normal sentence, it's a little weird. Reading it with line breaks is more difficult for me, because the words don't naturally follow into each other.

Diction is super important with poetry - the words you use will impact how the reader reads. (Well, duh.) So maybe pick stronger words, or more solid words, and the reader (hi, me) will form a stronger connection to the piece, or better understand the phrases you're using.

-------

Edit, edit, edit! It's your best friend and your worst enemy. I usually take a few weeks off between writing a piece and editing it. This is probably still fresh in your mind, so I'd let it sit and accumulate feedback for a bit before going at it again.

Like I said, I think this piece could be pretty cool. Just go for a more solid image and put some elbow grease into the mechanics, and you've got it - draft two, at least!

Thanks for posting this! It was a joy to read!

--Corona




Thisislegacy says...


Thank you. I will edit when I get the chance. If you would like to read some of my other poems to get more of an idea of my voice you are more than free to do so. ~Legacy




Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
— Jules de Gaultier