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E - Everyone

Noises

by Thisislegacy


Lost in the silence;

Hissing like burning glass,

Calling like the phone set to vibrate,

Yelling like the kid everyone wants to ignore,

And screaming like a piano playing forte in a crescendo

-

Can you hear me? 

Do you listen for noises? 

-

All I am is a silent whisper of the world,

Do you listen for me? 

-

A/N I wrote this quickly. Tear this apart and tell me how to make it better. Thanks guys. 


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Tue May 09, 2017 4:58 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there! Just stopping by to leave a few comments:

I liked the punch line at the end and I also liked how the first stanza had effectively growing lines (this isn't great for flow, but does create cool imagery that goes with the contrast of crescendo to whispering).

One suggestion I have is I'm not sure your 1st stanza is actually a sentence, and I think if there was some subject that the reader was connected to it would have more punch. To put it more clearly, what is lost in the silence/hissing like burning glass etc. If it's the whisper and you're trying not to spoil it the subject could be "you" or "the sound".

There could also be a bit more figurative language, the images you did use felt a bit disjointed, like glass, to a phone, to a piano are all objects I wouldn't necessarily place together (this isn't necessarily a bad thing, just something to think about). I would also echo what I think niteowl mentioned that I'm not seeing what is satirical about this piece so the genre label is a bit confusing for me.

I think with a bit more development into clarifying the conflict and subject of this poem would go a long ways. But it was a nice piece and I enjoyed reading it.

Best of luck in all of your writing!

~alliyah




Thisislegacy says...


Thank you. I put it in satire because of the fact everyone wants to be payed attention to, and the more people want attention, the louder the noises get (hence the louder noises). The narrator wanted attention, and they got it with people reading this.



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Mon May 08, 2017 12:04 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

I'm highly assuming at the moment that the last line here is more of an Author's Note rather than an actual ending to the poem. At the same time I'd like you to state that with a simple "Author's Note:" in front of that to keep from confusion. The first aspect of the poem that I noticed is that you've decided to capitalize the first letter of every line. I'm not saying it can't be this way because it is your stylistic choice, I just don't see how the piece benefits from this any more than just the usual capitalization. Though, if you can explain to me why it helps the piece (if it builds the atmosphere or just compliments the aesthetic) then I'll be more convinced.

I'm a little confused as to why you've listed this as satire. It acts and feels like a more serious poem, even if I do believe that it's a little melodramatic. Maybe that's why you've listed this as satire, though I'd like more context to what the poem is trying to make a joke out of. Satire is the use of humor, irony, ridicule, and other similar devices and is often classified as its own genre, though it's unclear where the actual satire to this is, and it's definitely not the way to write it.

Akin to Nite, I'd also like this piece to be less vague in the area of who the speaker is. Not only that, but in general I'd like to see this piece fleshed out. I understand that you're writing about noises as said in the title, but we don't get any expansion as to why. While there's a solid skeleton that includes metaphors such as the boy and the piano, we don't get any lead as to what you're trying to get across here.

Maybe your whole intention is for the poem to give off the sensory details that retain to hearing, and that's okay too. The reader, which in this case is me, just wants more context as to what the theme is. The intent of the piece. At the same time that's certainly not the only poetic device in poetry to keep mind of. Experiment around with this and see what you end up coming up with.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Thisislegacy says...


The capitalization is for aesthetics, because everyone pays attention to the capital letters.

The last line is an author's note. Hopefully the dash I edited in helps establish that.

This whole poem is about how people demand for attention, and the more people that demand for attention, the more the sounds drown together; no matter how loud the noises are.

Having no context for this poem is what I am making fun of. People are so nosey and wanting attention (not excluding myself).

If there is anything else you would like to address, ask away. I do appreciate the review and if you have the time, it would be helpful if you look at some of my other pieces.



Kaylaa says...


Ah, thank you for the explanation! I find it odd that you think that about capitalization, because I usually don't use it unless it's regular grammar rules or there's no capitalization at all, but that's just a preference and different people enjoy different things. I'll be sure to check out your other work if I have the time, though it's been hard fighting off all the literary works in the Green Room!

Thanks for the response!



Thisislegacy says...


You're welcome.



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Sun May 07, 2017 11:52 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Thisislegacy and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.

To start off, I do think you have a lot of good lines and interesting metaphors. It's interesting to go from burning glass and a phone on vibrate to louder noises that could be buried just the same, like the yelling kid and the piano. The second to last line is also really cool.

In my opinion, the major drawback of this poem is that it's unclear to me who/what the speaker is and what they're trying to say. It's clear that they're feeling ignored, lost among the many noises of the world, but beyond that I honestly don't know. The fact that this is in "satire" also puzzles me...it's not clear what this is supposed to be satirizing, and I don't see a lot of humor in the piece.

To make this better, I would suggest thinking about your central message and reworking the piece around that, sort of like how you would write an essay around a thesis statement. Granted, this is poetry, so it doesn't have to be explicitly spelled out like an essay, but making sure your lines are cohesive and fit with each other and the central point would make the piece stronger. As it is, I see a lot of interesting lines, but they don't feel like they fit as a whole.

Overall, I like your creativity with metaphors. Keep writing! :)




Thisislegacy says...


I put this into satire because everyone at least once feels like they are ignored and I was trying to put it into perspective. Everyone demands attention, and everyone wanting attention drowns everyone else out.

I started out with noises like the glass because nobody really notices that to louder ones that some people notice etc.

It is supposed to confuse because all the narrator wants is to be heard, which is met when people read it.




A ruler leads by example, not force.
— Sun Tzu