Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
These flashbacks, they take me back
Feels like the original attack
I wish I could make it all go away
I wish I never made the mistake that day
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I was stupid for going
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But I know what you did was wrong
You thought you'd keep me for so long
I never deserved any of that
Thought you could walk over me like a welcome mat
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I know what I did was stupid
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I won't play in this game of tug of war
Because I know I don't have to anymore
But don't bring Katie into this game
Because you are the one to fucking blame
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Our relationship can burn to flames
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Let's set the damn thing on fire
All you are is a fucking liar
I never should have believed a thing you said
It's making me wish I was dead
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But I wish I could say I hate you...
A/n Sorry for not writing for a while, some things happened recently (about a week ago) and it has given me inspiration to write. Did I show emotion well or could it use some improvement, also should I add more to this or is the story well shown. Stay safe lovelies. Legacy
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137,931 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Thanks for everyone's reviews. I will rewrite this as I wasn't very clear with has happened. Hopefully when I rewrite it will make more sense, since you guys were very off with what I was trying to tell. Very constructive criticism and I will try again.
Hey,Honestly I cant really see anything that would need improvement. It was all amazing and I loved all of this poem. It showed the perfect amount of emotion and the rhyming and wording was great. Everything you wrote was all relatable and made since. I love how you wrote it.
but also you went from saying that he was wrong to you knowing what you did was stupid.
It makes since though.
when you said "thought you could walk over me like a welcome mat" that line was longer the other lines.
thats really all I could think of, its all together a really good poem and I loved it a lot. I hope my input helped you and will help you in the future.
I just finished the rewrite of this poem to help people understand what I was trying to talk about with this poem since no one really understood. If you have the time, it would be nice if you could review that one as well. It's called Rewrite of Attack.
Kk. I will go check it out
Hello there! Mind if I hop in for a review? Hopefully this will help you and your writing to grow and improve!
The first thing I want to point out is your first line. I know you want it to end in "back" so it rhymes with the next line, but try to consider your actual written thoughts over the attempt at rhyming. The reason I'm even bringing this up is because these flashbacks of course take you "back," and I think you really should come up with something different, more creative and less repetitive. I am also confused as to what the "original attack" is? Does it refer to something that happens throughout this poem? You were asking if you could add anything to this poem, and I think you should add more right here.
That being said, I was thinking of something a little different, like:
These flashbacks, they draw me in
When the attack first begins.
I don't want to completely change up your writing style, but the general idea of rephrasing these two lines would help this stanza a bit. Rephrasing other parts of this poem would also help, too.
Love the simile here, though it is a long line that stretches compared to your other lines.
I understand from reading this poem that the guy/this you character has done something wrong, but what did this narrator do? She says she's stupid one minute, and then what's she has done is stupid the next minute.
I feel like adding a name here is exactly necessary? It seems like too much and I'd think it'd be more appealing and simplistic if Katie was referred to as "her". Keep this in mind, too, because she really is only mentioned once and her name doesn't bring any relevance to this poem.
This would flow better if it were "into" instead of "to".
I'm a little confused. And conflicted, as to whether I should be happy with this or not. Throughout this poem, you (or the narrator) are emphasizing the fact that he is a liar, that you shouldn't trust him. You're also saying you are stupid, stupid, stupid. If this is based off of true events, apologies. But in my honest opinion, I'm not a fan of this ending because he didn't sound like a nice guy, just a liar. I do think it's a good ending for surprise ending factors in a poem, that cliche finish, but not right for this whole story told in poem form. I'm not saying you should add more, necessarily, but you do need to change this up a bit, at least the end. I get you want to make it a "cliff hanger" and such, but I'm not sure it's the good thing to write in your situation. Though, this is a big opinion of mine and I understand if you do not agree.
I do think, though, there was an okay amount of emotion that was sprinkled in this poem. You do need to look over some parts of your poem, however, and patch up some untold things and unwritten emotion. It was mediocre, and you can always improve and make it better than it is, which is fun about poetry (and writing in general!). I encourage you to experiment a little more, even if you feel satisfied with your writing, because you'll always find there is something that just improved by editing!
You had a quite interesting story to tell through poetry, and I was very glad to have read and been able to review it! As said earlier, hopefully this helped and I wasn't too harsh.
BlueSunset
I just finished the rewrite of this poem to help people understand what I was trying to talk about with this poem since no one really understood. If you have the time, it would be nice if you could review that one as well. It's called Rewrite of Attack.
Hey Thisislegacy,
I think to answer your questions, I'll have to break down what I like and what I don't like.
To begin with, I really like the flow of the poem. I think you did a good job developing the twist at the end of it too. So the flow was good because you had a pattern that continued passing from one line to the next, although it could use a little work connecting the two lines, the lines in themselves sound smooth and are easy to read. I didn't stumble anywhere. Meanwhile the twist at the ending is something that I wasn't expecting. I knew that something bad happened, but it really could have been anything before we got farther down.
I think that's also part of the problem with how it relates to your question about showing emotion. Yes, you show emotion, but it's late in the game, and I think it's more like a raving teenager than an emotion that I can connect with as an adult. For me to connect with an emotion like this, I would have to have details so I could get invested in my speaker, and connect with them. Once I connected with them, knew who this Katie was to the speaker, that sort of thing, I'd feel more invested in this idiot who broke her heart.
I also want to know more about what happened, but I don't think you need to make this longer. I think you need to write it again.
This poem has some merit on it's own, and touching it might not improve it at all, it might just mess up the flow and you'd end up fixing that rather than writing a poem.
Instead, I think you should focus on writing a new poem that just focuses on the specifics of the situation. Instead of ranting like you're screaming in his face, write a poem like you're talking to a third party, someone who knows nothing of the situation. Pretend you hopped on an anonymous hotline or something and just tell us everything. Stop holding back. I think that will show us the story better than what you have here.
Right now, you have a dramatic screamy poem, yes, but I think this situation has enough emotional impact for you to get us to cry if you try to show us the deeper feelings behind these events by explaining what happened, and the transition or betrayal.
For instance, I honestly couldn't tell if the speaker was cheated on, or if he murdered her cat. Like, there's really no way for me to tell. Katie could be her cat that she killed, or maybe the joint cat between the two? I don't know. She could also be their daughter, or their little sister? She could be screaming at a brother who decided to go into the military, or a friend who ran away from home. Honestly, all of these are just as likely with the amount of content that we have in this poem, and if we can apply more than a handful of situations, it's not specific enough.
Anyway, I hope this helps you and encourages you to write this again because I do think that with a different flavor you can have another poem on this same topic and it can be emotionally impactful in a new and unique way.
Keep Writing
-Aley
I just finished the rewrite of this poem to help people understand what I was trying to talk about with this poem since no one really understood. If you have the time, it would be nice if you could review that one as well. It's called Rewrite of Attack.