The higher you go, the harder you fall
Doesn’t take long, till you are nothing at all
-
This is my mountain, I must climb it on my own,
These are my fears, I must face them all alone.
I know you want to help me,
but this is how I can get set free.
-
I would wait forever to see bad become good,
Would wait forever to be listened to, understood.
I don't know if I’m strong enough to face the world alone,
Don't know if I can face the place I call home.
-
I know I will survive
But I don’t feel alive
I need to get out
But I’m best friends with my doubt
-
Sorry,
my anxiety seems like another personality
Sorry,
my head lies making you draw lines across your skin again
-
Traffic jam in my head,
Thinking of things I shouldn’t have said.
A.N Legacy here trying to get something posted before Review Day. I hope you guys like it. Tell me how to make it better and if the emotion is there. (honestly this is just some scraps I had and I put them together, I do that for some of my poetry.) Plus this kinda tells how I am feeling.
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139,784 Literary Works • 672,764 Reviews
Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!
I think this is quite an effective poem. I really hope you'll be alright too. But, moving back to the poem, I like your rhyming pattern and the theme you've chosen. As well as this, I love this line:
"Sorry my head lies making you draw lines across your skin again"
I think you could've used some commas and/or full stops in some places. Full stops, I would say, should go on the end of lines which end a stanza. As for commas, I can think of two examples where you could've used them:
"Sorry, my anxiety..."
And
"Sorry, my head..."
Apart from that, I see nothing else wrong with it! I really like this poem!
Overall, a great poem, but you could use commas/full stops in some places in the poem.
I hope my review helped!
Thank you for the review.
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on this Review Day!
The first aspect of this poem that I noticed is the rhyme, which from what I can tell, seems to be AA BBCC DDEE, and so on. What I don't understand is some of the rhymes and why the meter or line length changes so often throughout the poem. This reminds me a little bit of lyrics in a sense, though I understand that this is a poem. What I don't enjoy is that in some places there isn't really a rhyme which makes the piece inconsistent. I'll point out a particular part where this occurs.
Personality and again don't rhyme even though throughout the rest of the poem, you're rhyming and I'm going to suggest that you stay consistent on that. As for the emotion, I found it to be there though what I would have liked to see is more imagery that related to the title and main line of the poem with the traffic jam. Expand on those two last lines that make the main theme of the poem, and I believe that this poem will be more effective. The metaphor that you use there is unique and has room to be expanded upon.
The rhymes in this poem are something that I don't particularly mind, yet at the same time, I didn't find them to be needed or to be presenting anything special. I'd like to see more in the imagery department and more in displaying this theme of having a traffic jam inside of your head where you're feeling guilt for the things that you said out of impulse and that you now regret. Expand on this idea and I believe that it'll portray the emotion in a stronger manner, connecting these stanzas with that imagery.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. I hope I helped and have a great day!
Thank you for the review. I just took these off my random document that had lyric couplets (which is why the meter seems to change, I didn't edit them). I'll work on it.
Ayoooo Thisislegacy! Aleta here for a brief review on your poem. I'll mainly be discussing first impressions on this since its fairly short. The feelings in your poem are clear and out to see; nothing is really implied so you did do well on emotions. It reminds me of that "you can do your greatest...you can do your best" song. I think it's called hall of fame or something like that. The first two verses really caught my attention, perhaps because of the rhyme but because of the truth that also rang within it.
The next two lines also were pretty intriguing and kept me reading. Now the next two lines kind of muddled up the flow(I know you want to help me, /but this is how I can get set free). I think its the last line that disrupts the flow the most and makes it choppy, the first line is actually fine. I think it would sound better if you instead said "I know you wanna/want to help me, but this is how you will set me free." Just a thought/suggestion.
The next four lines were great. Rhyming really helped out this poem and made it awesome. Now... "Sorry my anxiety seems like another personality/Sorry my head lies making you draw lines across your skin again" I notice that the lines have become longer which is kind of jarring and throws the reader into a sad reality. The first line is good but the second line is kind of choppy and drawn out. I'd suggest saying instead "My apologies, for how my mind always lies. Making you draw lines
and lines
and lines
across your skin again." (just an example idk if this would fit or not.)
The last two lines really had a mindblowing impact so I liked that as it drew everything to a close.
Cheers!
Thanks for the review. I will probably take your advice on some of this.