"I am affected by what you say.
Don't you realize what you've done?"
is what you say to me.
-
Should I feel guilt for doing
what I did
I ask, not understanding.
My heart beats fast;
Thump, thump, thump
-
I want to know
but too afraid to ask
"Don't tell me I was wrong,
I did what I had to do."
I say weakly.
Mom, you seem upset,
I am too.
Thump, thump, thump
-
You kicked me out,
What do you expect, an apology?
You weren't there when I needed you,
why should I come back?
-
I'm overwhelmed by all these emotions.
You tell me to say a common phrase
but I won't.
I have no reason to and in fact
You should be saying it it to me...
-
I'm not saying sorry.
Thump, thump, thump
A/N I wrote this quickly off of a prompt saying to write a paragraph or poem about someone not using the word sorry. I broke it right at the end for emphasis. I did edit this a little bit, tell me if it needs some more. If you have questions about content you can always pm. Legacy.
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137,931 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
I really like the idea's behind this poem, but it seems a little unfinished. I think you could develop your ideas more, use stronger word choice and maybe other literary devices. I relate to this poem in the fact that I always end up saying sorry even when I didn't do anything wrong. I would just go back and touch up some things here and there. GOod luck!
Thank you.
Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!
Honestly, this does seem quite rushed, but has a lot of potential to be even better. This is an effective piece of writing, don't get me wrong, it's just you shouldn't rush yourself when writing, that's when you start making mistakes. Even if you are testing the waters with something, you should try your best to show people what you can do.
The story itself seems to basic and flat; it has barely any depth as to why the mother wants her son/daughter to apologise and what for.
Overall, an amazing piece, but it can go into more depth. I hope this review helped
Thanks for the review. I'll work on that.
Greetings Thisismylegacy, from the After Watch shift. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
I feel like the indents are being used for some sort of emphasis but to me, they're just adding distractions and distancing me from the actual meaning of the piece. It's being broken apart at awkward times, where the emotions should be hooked together but instead you're drawing them farther and farther apart. In the first stanza for example, the split between the powerful lines seems out of place because separately, they're not all that powerful. They just sort of hang off the edge and never really go anywhere. It's a hard concept to explain out loud to someone but basically the emotions don't connect in anyway that makes me feel them.
The repetition of words and phrases in lyrics and poems, often connects to a repeat emotion and added emphasis. I'm just not getting that effect from the first stanza with the second 'what you say'. I see that it's being used as a double cross of sorts, what each speaker is saying to one another but it just seems a bit too angsty.
Previous reviewer already covered all of things I was gonna talk about for flow and punctuation. So I guess really just onto the content of the prompt and the breaking of said prompt. This was a good idea to start with but it could use for a bit of mending and fixing here and there. I get the idea of breaking it (and it does seem necessary), the strength of the poem that you have here just won't support it. Like I said before, it's got potential, there's just a long road of editing ahead of you.
That's all I've got for now. Also welcome to YWS! If you have any questions about this review or anything else, just shoot me a pm.
~Lady Lizz
Thank you for the review. I'm sorry you feel that way about the indents. I do realize that my wording is off. The second stanza is the speaker asking themselves. If you have the time, you could check out some of my other works and review them as well. You were very helpful.
Hi! RippleGylf here.
The combination of line break and indent here breaks the dialogue in twain, disconnecting it. In addition, the contents of the dialogue don't flow together as one fluid instance of speech. Try messing around with the wording, conveying the same meaning while perhaps flowing more smoothly.First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy being on the site.
I really like the way the hanging indent looks, though I fear it breaks the flow in some places, i.e.
Your punctuation is also somewhat inconsistent. You use quotation marks in the first stanza but not the second. In the second to last paragraph, there is a seemingly random apostrophe after "to," and I'm not quite sure of its purpose. While use of punctuation is rather flexible in poetry, I find it works best when the piece is consistent with itself.
I really like how you indirectly reference the conversation towards the end, without using dialogue. It works really well with the tone of the work. The final line emphasizes the whole theme of the poem, which I love. Hopefully this review is helpful.
I did not realize that there is a random apostrophe. I will fix that. I will also fix the dialogue. The second stanza is asking to themselves, sorry if the wording is weird. If you have the time, it would be helpful if you look and review some of my other pieces. Thank you for the review.