Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
I could die, to be honest.
I'm in a war.
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But it’s not whether I die or not that matters,
it’s what I do while I'm still alive.
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If I have to die to end my war, then so be it.
Sometimes it takes death to get done what needs to be done.
I'm gonna win this or die trying.
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This isn’t a very happy story.
Things are rarely as they seem.
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But It does not matter. I am surrounded.
It ain’t strength that wins wars, it’s brains.
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I am defenseless…well it doesn’t matter at this point.
goodbye,
A/N Legacy here, sorry if my writing is triggering anyone. I am not trying to. I'm just expressing how I feel through this outlet. Always feel free to message if you have questions about content. Stay safe guys, Legacy out.
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139,434 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Hi, this is Lael with a review for your work!
) and it's more like sentences put into a poem format, sometimes a little confusing in the flow. But regardless, your words really convey the shattered feelings of the narrator.
I was wondering, is the capitalized part (bolded) intentional? Even if it isn't, I can see it working here, as a stylistic element, to highlight the circumstance/conflict.One thing I have to note is that each stanza is very short. This could be your own stylistic preference, but from my experience of reading poetry they're usually longer.
I feel that there isn't much rhythm in this poem (though I don't have any in my few attempts either
One last thing: I would suggest, at the least, separating this into two different lines, before and after the ellipses. Also, the ellipses may not be necessary, though I'm sure they're okay.
Hope this helped!
~Lael
Thanks for the review. This is a blackout, that's why it is like sentences. Slightly longer stanza's is more my style, but I'm trying out new things at the moment since I'm in a slump.
I see, and you're welcome! I hope things work out for you soon.
Thanks. I would recommend reading some of my other works if you have the time.
I'm going to try to review this for you but I don't think I'll be very successful. I read this yesterday and was really confused and had to re-read it. I'm going to start with what feels off to me. The couplets don't have enough impact or cohesiveness to be couplets, the way you have it so starkly separated I was expecting something disturbing or shocking or drastic changes from start to finish when, for me at least, this poem felt more like an introspective piece and an explanation of your on internal struggles. Also, why end with a comma and not an ellipses or just a period? Typo? it felt weird to me but it might have been intentional. I really loved your 3 line stanza purely because of the statement that sometimes it takes death to finish things, it was both dark and true and probably one of the strongest phrases I have seen i a poem of this type. All negativity aside, I think it did get across the unsettling and rather tragic tone here because this person is truly torn up inside, beyond the point of outbursts... it's a deeper sadness that they keep pushed down everyday. The second to last stanza felt strained and ain't felt too colloquial for such a strong topic and tone through this piece.
Keep it up!
Kat
Thank you for the review