Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.
I want to kill myself.
Is that okay?
Am I allowed to want to die?
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I don't want to be alive...
Is that okay
That haven't really wanted to be for a while.
-
I am only here for others,
Is that okay?
I don't stay here for myself.
-
Is that okay?
Am I okay?
Things are getting better
But I still want to kill myself.
-
Is that okay?
A/n Stay safe lovelies. Critique if you want, I wrote this in 5 minutes so yeah.. xD
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139,784 Literary Works • 672,764 Reviews
Heya, Thisislegacy! GooseLuck here to do a review for you.
Now to start off with, I would like to say if you're going through something and ever need to talk, my inbox is always open. Any time of day or night. But you put this up here to be reviewed, and review it I shall.
The first thing I have to say is I love the emotion in here, but I feel like you take some of that away with the absolute statement narration. Like, there's no imagery in here, and that's good in a narration((well, to an extent) but I think you'd get more out of this if you described what was going on without actually saying it, if that makes any sense?
Take what you're feeling, what you feel deep inside, and think of an object or thing that reminds you of that emotion, and base it off that. Make the story about that, and I think that you could get a lot of practice done doing what, and I think that it would actually help you.
You say you wrote this in five minutes so I know it's a first draft, and it's not bad in any sense for a first draft, so props for that.
The next thing is your capitalization is inconsistent, and I would suggest picking a pattern and sticking to it, honestly.
Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Remember, if you ever need someone, don't hesitate to onsite DM me or find me on Discord.
Sincerely, GooseLuck
Yes it's okay. Well, for me to feel like this, but it's not okay for you, cause I don't want anyone else feeling like that and it makes me sad to know that you struggle. Especially when I'm struggling with the same things, so I'm sorry that you're going through this. if this was a truly heartfelt poem, even though it was five minutes to write, it was sadly agreeable, sadly, because of how depressing life can be. anyways, thank you for posting
I don't even know where I'm going with this
Hey hey, Ardently! here for a review!!
Ah yes, the lovely 5 minute poem, a writing thing I am maybe a little too familiar with. I do think you could lower the rating to 15+ without the content being too mature, but I realize that different people have different bars for when they feel comfortable reading or talking about different topics, so I understand if you wanna keep it as 18+.
This might sound kinda silly, but in my opinion the repeated "is that okay" throughout this poem was one of the strongest bits. I'm a fan of repeated lines, so there might be a little bias there, but outside of that bias I felt like it reflected the narrator's state of mind better than anything else. The fact that it was so simple, but so unsure really spoke to me as a reflection of my own mindset a few years ago when I was really struggling. It just feels so human and so real.
One thing that felt a little weird in terms of how the poem flowed is the fact that the aforementioned "is this okay" kept changing position in the stanzas; at first it was the second line, then the third, then back to the second. I felt like it could've done with being a little more consistent.
I agree with Steggy that the last line felt like a cry for help that tied the whole poem together. Having it on it's own rather than as part of a stanza made it stand out more to me as a cry for help, and it just felt like quite a strong ending.
~ Ardently! <3 ~
This was good and it made me kind of think about my own life and the people in it. I was going "Oh my God." Does someone that I know feel like this?! This was an eye opener, wow! Any way, onto the review! So I liked this, obviously, and all my little nit picks were already covered in the last review, so I'm just going to say that this isn't really a +18 piece, it feels like a pg-13 type thing. If you want to be safe I'd add a trigger warning in your desription, so you don't have to worry about someone. Other than those things, I thought it was great! Keep writing!
I rated 18 because I didn't want small children to read about suicide and such. ~Legacy
Ok, I think that's good
Hello, Steggy here for a short review!
So, I like the message you are trying to portray here and I think most people have these thoughts any point of their life. Most of what is happening here kind of reminds me of a song I heard some time ago where it goes through the motions of suicide and what not. I believe, though, you could've gone more into a timeline of the narrator's thoughts like, have in the beginning they are thinking of killing themselves and then towards the end have them realize that they can continue to keep living through their life.
Watch out for using ellipses in writing. In most cases, you should use ellipses when you are cutting out a word in what you are writing. What is happening, in this case, would be a sort of pause for help or something if that makes sense. So, what I suggest you could do is like do a semi-colon. Another thing I want to suggest would be maybe having the middle stanza in italics because it almost seems like another voice speaking within the narrator's mind.
To match what is happening throughout this poem is to have the is that okay? the part at the end also since it is the title. Basically, just swapped the end and middle line.
Overall, this was a nice poem to read and I enjoyed the main theme you were trying to express. The end seems to also tie the whole poem together because, to me, it almost seems like an echo for help.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
great piece of work. but i wonder why is it rated +18 it is not considered mature content in my opinion. anyway, it is good but very short. i hope u post more like this. good luck
I rated as 18 because I don't think younger children should be reading about suicidal thoughts and such. It could trigger something. ~Legacy