Young Writers Society

Hi! I love how you craft this idea of love and how it's conveyed from person to person with this poem. However, I do have a few critiques for you.

First off, I couldn't tell if this was meant to be written in meter or not, and this was after reading it several times. It felt at times like it was, and at others like it wasn't. In the future, maybe make it a bit more clear what you intend for meter.

Another thing that you could work on just a bit is punctuation. Usually, when I use punctuation, it's for the purpose of slowing down the reader and making the pacing of the poem more clear. I find that a good way to find out where more punctuation is needed is to have my friends read through the poem and tell me if anything feels like it just races by them. If anything does, I insert a form of punctuation and see if that fixes the problem. One area where I'd suggest you add something is "when my eyes cry with every single thing/that has ever happened to me/when my body is weak and broken to/where it feels like i could die of exhaustion." I'd suggest adding punctuation in these lines, maybe a couple of commas so that the reader can take in the meaning of the lines without feeling like they have to move on.

Overall, great job, and keep writing!

Thisislegacy,

This was such a sweet poem. It definitely feels kind-hearted, and it has a sweet and softspoken tenderness. My favorite part of the poem were the first lines actually. I enjoyed the exploration of the lover's eyes as this spectrum of all these different colors - orange, brown, green, blue - that is a spectacular image, unique- but the juxtaposition that the lover is looking at the narrator as the one who is unique and introducing the "new" was touching to read and upended my expectations. So I enjoyed that!

I do question the break in the hanging "the" in that first stanza. Why not end the line with "unforgiving" so that it stays parallel? The strong, the tough, and the unforgiving" all in one line? If that doesn't work for you and you prefer to have "unforgiving darkness" as one idea- perhaps end the line with "the tough", and then you can have "and the unforgiving darkness" as its own line? That was just one small, technical thing I noticed that held my attention a little bit TOO long. Also, "graining" further down as a gerund I don't think fits with the idea of souls?

The ending leaves me with a lot of questions - because while I think it's evident that the narrator does feel changed, feel in love and has fallen deeply in love - I don't know if that's fully communicated to the reader. Yes, I get that the narrator is IN LOVE - but I'm not sure if from this poem the idea of "what love really means" is evoked completely?

I think that the second stanza is really the only stanza that gets close to that idea - where despite all of the narrator's anxieties and troubles - we have the lover "hold her/pin her down" and I interpreted the "pinning down" as a way of saying that he is helping her through the hardship in addition to its other meaning

However, even with that little moment that I felt was nice - I think the rest of the poem focuses on the body and the touches and flourishes and the warmth, rather than "what love really means" at least it did in my reading! I think part of that was because we know a lot about how the lover makes the narrator feel - but we don't get much ABOUT the lover. Like, other than colorful eyes and strong arms - I don't know much about the lover, or the lover's struggles. I like in the beginning how the lover looks at the narrator as though s/he were "something new" -- perhaps there can be some expanding on that line? Why is that important to the lover/narrator?

I hope this helps. And let me know if there's anything you'd like to discuss further!

~ as always, Audy

Radrook here for a review.

Please feel free to reject any advice you feel is unhelpful. If indeed I offend it is not intentional. But if I do I offer my apology.

That having been said

Thanks for sharing this beautiful poem in which the speaker expresses deep gratitude for what is described as unconditional love wherein a multitude of flaws are overlooked. The emotion came through very nicely and the tempo and sentences very dramatically convey the deep appreciation which the speaker feels. You had me thoroughly involved via remembering the times that I longed for that kind of love and a time when I had genuinely thought that I had found it. That is indeed an accomplishment since I have become jaded to such expressions over the years and am usually left rather unmoved. But the intensity of your poem easily overcame that.

I like the expression “tsunami of thoughts that drown me”

I love the following part:
“....with your rose pink lips, beautiful words fall like rain during a storm.”


Suggestions and observations

The expressions: “....pin me down” “....strong arms” had indicated a male. But then “rose-pink lips” suggested a female.

[W]ith your eyes with...speckled with....[Too many “withs” too close together]
11 = me [Reduction of the word “”me”“ would be nice.]

The word [too] is unnecessary.

Accuracy and word economy

You love me through everything [ You love me [despite] everything]

....you [restrain] me with everything you have,....

....through the tsunami of thoughts that drown me.... [....through[]tsunamis of thoughts that [would have] drowned me.]

with your eyes with orange and brown, speckled with green and blue too,
[with your orange and brown eyes, speckled with green and blue....]

....and []claws digging [from under] my skin trying to escape.


Just those few things. IMHO. Looking forward to reading more of your work.

You said read it, so I'm reading it!

This is a very vulnerable, emotionally raw poem. Some images I thought were powerful:

"you look at me every day as if I was something new"

"the tsunami of thoughts that drown me"

"words fall like rain during a storm"

I have a few suggestions that I think would make the poem stronger:

"With your eyes with orange and brown" - take out the first "with"

"staying through the hard" - when I first read this line, I thought it was "staying through the herd" which to me sounds less expected and more interesting.

"and the unforgiving darkness that takes over my heart" - I would cut "that takes over my heart"

Cut "with your strong arms" and start the next stanza just "you hold me with everything you have"

"even when you have to" - cut this part out and leave it like "pin me down"

"and the claws digging into my skin trying to escape" - cut "and" and "trying to escape"

Instead of "cry" try "blur" - like "my eyes blur with every single thing" and then cut the next line "that has ever happened to me" which is already evident

"where it feels like I could die of exhaustion" - cut "of exhaustion"

cut "that will always transform me into whomever you desire" - this is an odd choice of words, I don't know that you meant it to be romantic, but I didn't quite read it this way.

The last two stanzas seem to fall out of the form you've created in the first three. I wonder if you cut them, or maybe rearranged them to make them consistent with how you began if it might read more smoothly.

Thank you for sharing, I hope these suggestions help!