Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Mom, why did you take me?
You knew I didn't want to be there.
You've hurt me so much,
Not like you even care.
-
There was no need to take my phone
Or rip my favorite shirt,
Have the boys try to force me upstairs,
But you don't care how much this hurt.
-
I was kicking and crying, screaming,
Told to shut the fuck up.
Patrick starting to choke me,
That's when you told him to letup.
-
I start to have a panic attack
But you just have Nick get the cameras
Coughing, wheezing, crying,
Ain't this so fucking glamorous.
-
Yell at me about how Dad is a deadbeat
When you weren't even there when I need you.
So many things you did wrong to me,
And I'm blamed when I'm done with the shit you put me through.
-
I finally go up the stairs,
And try to calm down.
You had Grandma come,
In her voice I started to drown.
-
Calling me a whore, slut,
Horrible excuse for a person.
I'm such a disappointment.
I'm such a fucking burden
-
This all makes me want to die,
But this is something you didn't think of,
That I would run away as soon as I could,
You just thought I would stay because of love?
-
Mom, I don't love you.
You put me through hell,
Everything you put me through
Is like putting me in a prisoner's cell.
-
Karma is a bitch,
And she will be biting your ass.
I want you to hurt,
Your spirit better not break like glass.
-
I want you to feel like I did.
I want you to get flashbacks,
I want your spirit to die slowly,
As you finally face the facts.
-
You will never see me again,
I will make sure of it.
If there was anything I could tell you,
It's the only thing I cannot admit.
-
I want to fucking hate you Mom...
A/n Hopefully this is a better copy of Attack. This should tell the story better and show the emotion. Stay safe lovlies. Legacy out.
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138,357 Literary Works • 672,109 Reviews
Okay, I am here to review this one now. I hope I help you with it thisislegacy.
Alright, so I feel that this one shows a lot more emotion and tells everyone what happened a lot clearer than your other one, attack. This one has more strong and verbal wording and in my opinion, if I didn't know already what happened, I feel that just anyone would be able to understand what happened.
Also this shows a lot more emotion...i al ready said that but it really does show the emotion I think you were going for. You can read the anger in this.. But i noticed that I believe your fifth stanza was a but linger than the others.. But in my opinion even with that being said I feel that it still goes good with the poem..
I would say that with this particular poem and with the message your trying to say, I feel that if there wasn't a rhyme scheme to go by it would be stronger because you wouldn't force yourself to make it rhyme, instead you'd say what needs to be said and it would be a more strong theme. You would be able to say what your thinking instead of having yourself make the poem rhyme.
I noticed that at some points you repeated the same word, so you were repetitive in some lines. Like for instance, you said you put me through hell, everything you put me through.. Well that kind if sounds off but then again it sounds like it fits or that it should be there......if that makes since..
Either way, I really loved this. I read this and It filled me with emotion and rage. I can tell that you were angry throughout this poem. It Was very well with emotion and the wording was perfect. I really liked this and it is very ckear if what it is talking about.
I really wanna read more if your work in the past!!! This poem was amazing
~bvbAngel<3
Hey ThisisLegacy,
This poem is SO much clearer than "Attack" with what it's talking about. Like, I'm still not 100% on all of the details, but the meaning behind the poem, the anger and emotion in it, is a lot clearer. I feel like the only thing you could have done to actively make this better would be if you dropped the rhyme scheme.
I don't know about you, but I see rhymes as something sing-songy and light hearted. This poem is decidedly NOT that, and I feel like dropping the rhyme scheme would give you more maneuverability with your language. You've got good words, but you're restricting yourself with rhymes and you're not letting yourself really say everything you want to because you're trying to stick to a quatrain with abab cross-rhyme scheme. As pretty as it can be with some subjects, those are usually flowers and butterflies, not child abuse.
I think you should also watch your language because you've got some words that are repeated in lines right after one another, for instance this couplet.
"You put me through hell,
Everything you put me through "
If you read it as a sentence, it's repetitive and that's not a good thing when you already have a rhyme scheme. Try to only use a word once in a poem, unless it's a closed classed word like "the, a, an" and pronouns. This will help prevent repetition like that. Also, if you Do have to use the same word repeatedly, make sure it's not within the same stanza, or at the VERY least, not in a line right next to the line it was just used in like this is.
With that said, I'd like to give you this guide to publishing poetry on YWS so you can get the stanzas you want and not make your poem require dashes and stuff when it isn't necessary:
How to Format Poetry
Good work! Keep going
-Aley