I am the chaos in your mind.
I bring you under the water,
drowning in emotion that is hard to understand.
-
I am the thunder in your violent storms.
Banging so loudly in your head
that you can't hear your own thoughts.
-
I am the waves in the eye of the hurricane.
Washing over you, almost like a baptism
but not the one that will cleanse you.
-
I am the one that tortures you.
Making you ride the rollercoaster of emotion,
fast paced, up then down then up again.
-
I am the moon for your night sky.
Bringing light into your darkness,
letting you see the stars.
-
I am the shooting star that makes your dreams come true.
The only one that can,
I am the dream, good or bad you can't tell.
-
I am the saviour when you are about to fall.
You reach for my hand.
I grab it and pull you back towards reality.
-
I am the one that comforts you.
A weighted blanket,
the one you want to cuddle at night.
-
This is your wild contradiction.
How can a love be so good
yet so bad for you at the same time?
-
This is what you want to protect.
The love that pulls you towards the heavens
and also drags you towards the fire of hell.
-
I am the one that protects you.
Not letting you drown;
not letting you fly too high.
-
I am the one that hurts you.
Poisons you with these emotions
Making you feel so high then so low.
-
Is the pain I bring worth the joy?
Is the view of heaven worth the fire of hell?
Is drowning in the waters worth the stars?
-
A/N I did some editing and added more description. Is the emotion shown more clearly this way or do I still need to add some more. Legacy.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
contrary to the previous poem of yours that I reviewed, I thought the repetition didn't retain as much impact here. it got a bit redundant. your imagery was consistent, but [as a result of that, maybe?] your verses didn't have much variety. after awhile it was like you were saying the same thing over and over with a slight change of words. your message was easily communicated, but with little food for thought or emotional connotation. I wanted imagery that extended beyond the simply-stated metaphor. I wanted a bit of insight as to why the narrator brought such disturbance to the other person's life. something to really make me care about the piece.
I guess that's why this one didn't hit home for me. in the last one, you were trying to communicate a lack of words, and your execution was appropriate. but in this one, you're trying to communicate a complex tangle of emotion, and you fall short.
overall, it's an idea that I think has potential, but you have some building to do.
thank you so much for sharing, and best of wishes!
Thank you for the review. If you have the time, could you review some of my other pieces besides muse and see if I executed the emotion well or not?
I'd be glad to.
My first thought here is that the flow is pretty good. The bad, the good, then the contradiction. Pretty standard, but very effective. A change to make in terms of that structure would be to have some of the lines starting with something other than "I", especially in the 3rd stanza, because this is where it becomes messier. It also just generally becomes a bit repetitive to read such similar lines over and over again.
I'm not sure about the final line. It's been very imagery heavy so far (will get to the imagery in a second). But now it's so direct, it's almost kind of boring. It's like in a young adult novel when the author has the first person narrator tell the reader their exact moral with no requirement for the reader to work it out by themself. I know you haven't told me the answer to the question, but if you didn't even give me the question, it would give me more to think about. It's pretty easy to figure out that that's what the question is meant to be, so it's not like my brain would be going anywhere different. It would just be requiring one more step for my brain to get there, which would get me more engaged.
Onto the imagery.
This is a bit repetitive. See if you can come up with another example to give it wider range.
This phrasing is a bit awkward. I think "I am the one that tortures you" would be more direct, and the shorter line would add extra impact.
Same suggestion about the phrasing.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Thank you. I made some of the edits you recommend. If you have the time, could you look at some of my other poems and review those as well. Legacy.
I reviewed Muse before this one ^.^
I see that now.
Hey there Thisislegacy. Birdman dropping by to help rescue your work from the green room.
Repetition
The repeated line start of "I am...", is the focus of your poem and this is odd for me but I don't find it tiring. Usually this level of repetition would start to bother me by the second stanza but I think that you changed up the endings enough, so that the beginning doesn't really stick. And that's the key thing for the reader to focus on here. It's the imagery (will talk about it next) that they should be focusing on, not how the imagery is introduced. However, nobody's mind works like that so just thought you should know what you will be getting a lot of criticism over.
The change in the formatting of the last line was enjoyable as well, serving as a break from this forced through process of emotions (also more on that later). Overall, I enjoyed this style of repetition that you've got going on here.
Imagery and Emotions
The comparisons of storms and weather conditions, to the speaker's emotions were very powerful and they help drown out some of the doubt about this poem. I had some walking into three stanzas of repeat intros, nearly scared me away. But I have a love for good imagery, especially imagery about storms.
The transition that the descriptions makes, flows together very well, to the point where I'm not going to have a separate section on flow. (The one part about flow is the abrupt stops but I'm leaving that for someone else to critique since it's not my best thing.) The imagery is making its trip, as if the storm is slowly calming and the pain is slipping away, nearing closer to this complicated joy-ish emotion. Kinda heartbreaking. Not full on dramatic romantic relationship but enough to get a shocker from the reader.
Overall
I liked the poem for the reasons that I mentioned above. It could do with a bit of tweaking here and there, to make it easier to follow along and to make more emotion come towards the reader. I mention all of my critiques above so I'm going to go ahead and bounce.
Questions about this review? PM me.
Birdman.
Thanks for the review.
If you like this work, you can check out some of my other ones. I believe I still have others in the Green room if you want to rescue those as well.