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We roamed in the forest
The sun stayed fix above our heads.
We went through trees without leaves, chirping of birds accompanying us.
-
A frosty breeze kissed our skin in the darkness.
This place was perfect to hide. I retreated deeper into the darkness.
-
Coldness seeped into my body,
I took a deep breath and emptied my mind;
Pain pierced me like hundred of needles,
I wouldn’t turn myself to darkness so easily.
-
The sun was setting; I look to the sky.
Soon, the moon would rule it,
A/N Legacy here trying out a new form of poetry, black out. Tell me how I did. Was I successful?
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142,229 Literary Works • 677,054 Reviews
Hello! Irid here with a review.
First off, I love black out poetry! It's such a beautiful form of writing and I'm really glad you did this.
Now, I understand you're working with what you have on a page, therefore the specific words you want may not come out grammatically correct, so that's okay. I did see a few things that I would like to edit that are very simple. There are people that don't know what black out poetry is, so the small stuff at least has to look good.
I would uncapitalize that "P". It just looks rather strange, and maybe add a comma or a semicolon after "mind". Just my suggestion.
So after "setting", I would probably add a semicolon or a comma, and then on the last line, I would get rid of the comma at the end.
I'd of course like to touch on the subject of the poem itself, also.
I really like the tone of the poem, but I'm a bit confused. I noticed you used the hyphens to break up the stanzas/couplets. I didn't know if it was all one uniform poem or they were small poems broken up. If it's a uniform poem, each line fits really well to the topic for it being a black out poem, which I absolutely love. I'm super glad I got to read this and thank you for taking a hit at this. It's absolutely wonderful and I want to see more black out poetry from you. Thank you for the good read!
-Iridescence
It's all one piece. I will fix the small things. I might make another one today. Thanks
Hello Legacy,
I don't actually know what blackout poetry is? Can you elaborate?
This poem is so great though, I love that it doesn't rhyme like some people expect a cliche poem to.
I couldn't find any errors, except for
"I took a deep breath and emptied my mind Pain pierced me like a hundred of needles"
Is there suppose to be a comma after mind?
Anyhow, great work. I love the feeling this poetry gives me. At first I think it's going to be a bright loving post, but then I start to feel a little bit of darkness behind it. There's definitely some type of love story here in my opinion.
You did a great job! Keep up the good work and I would love to read more from you
Black out poetry is when you use a page from a book or an article or something and then cross out words to create a poem. It really helps for people that get overwhelmed with all the possibilities.
And you could also check out some of my other works if you have the time.