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Merde,
Je ne veux pas la voir.
Sa colère, elle est bipolaire.
J'ai peur.
-
Je n'ai pas les couilles,
J'ai peur.
Elle ne mérite pas me voir.
Elle ne me manque pas.
-
Je n'ai pas de l'amour pour elle.
Elle ne le méri te pas.
Elle veut de l'argent mon père.
Elle ne me veut pas.
-
J'ai peur elle pour veux voir me
Elle est une salope,
J'en ai rien à foutre
Elle doit parti.
-
Pourquoi ne parti a-t-elle pas.
Elle n'est pas recherchée ici
Je ne elle veux pas.
Allez vous-en.
-
Since my first French poem was popular I did another attempt )plus I needed to get some emotions about my mother out and I wanted to try it in a way most people around me wouldn't understand it. Au revoir :)
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(I have nothing helpful to say about this, but I read it and had a good time practicing my French. Do you mind if I attempt a translation with my limited French?)
Shit,
Spoiler
I don't want to see her.
Sa colère (???), she is bipolar.
I have... peur (???).
-
I don't have the... couilles (???),
I have... peur.
She doesn't deserve to see me.
She doesn't... manque (???) me.
-
I have no love for her.
She doesn't deserve it.
She wants... de l'argent (??? "silver" comes to mind but I don't think that's right) my father.
She doesn't want me.
-
I have... peur... elle pour veux voir me (I know these words individually but I'm not sure how to fit them together as a translation - "I have <something> for her? <something> for her to want to see me?")
She is a... salope (??? not sure but probably a bad name),
I have something... à foutre (???)
She must...parti (???).
-
Pourquoi ne parti a-t-elle pas. (Another one where I know some words but can't put it all together, "why...doesn't she have...something?")
She isn't...recherchée (???) here
I don't want her. (Actually isn't it je ne la veux pas, or can you use elle in place of la there?)
Allez vous-en. (something about "you go" but I'm not sure of the rest).
So how'd I do? There are obviously some words I just don't know at all. Like recherchée reminds me of chercher, "to look for," but I don't know if they're actually related. Anyway, I hope you don't mind me using your poem as practice!
Hello legacy!
I cannot do French justice, but I had a friend who is bilingual read this with me over discord so I could hear the flow in French and the flow in supposed English, and there are some general tips I want to give you for improving that flow, bringing that poetic voice to the forefront, and really turning something mediocre into an ambitious piece about an abusive mother who doesn't belong in the daughter's life. Let's begin.
First, the flow will be improved once you begin to read your work aloud--I suggest writing without line breaks at first, and then as you wrap it up, read the work in whole, and when you feel tension rise and fall, place them naturally so that your reader may follow them with more ease and less care. This is also accomplished by interjecting fragmentation into the sentence structure and sort of violating the basic rules of grammar, though you said below you were showing this to a teacher, so I'm unsure if this was homework (could deduct points.)
For bringing your voice forward, think of images that capture that abusive mother in total. The fewer holds barred, the better--unless you're looking to construct a delicate approach to the subject--and the more intent you have with writing, the more focus you put into your word choice, scene choice, even translation choice for idioms and slang words will make a world of difference.
Finally, I leave you with a parting note that this wasn't a bad poem; it just had flaws in execution, and as you said: you're still getting used to writing poetry in French. I've read your other poetry, and I know what you're capable of. I'm sure soon that will translate over.
All the best,
Ty
Thank you, I am still learning and I listen to French music a lot as well to help improve.
Hello ThisisLegacy! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
Merde,
Shit,
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Thank freaking God for Google Translate.
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
French:
Spoiler
Je ne veux pas elle faire voir.
Sa colère, elle est bipolaire.
J'ai peur.
-
Je n'ai pas les couilles,
J'ai peur.
Elle ne mérite pas me voir.
Elle ne me manque pas.
-
Je ñ'ai pas d'amour pour elle.
Elle ne le mérite pas.
Elle veut d'argent mon père.
Elle ne me veut pas.
-
J'ai peur elle pour veux voir me
Elle est une salope,
J'en ai rien à cirer.
Elle doit partie.
-
Pourquoi ne partie a-t-elle pas.
Je ne elle veux pas.
Allez vous-en.
English:
Spoiler
I do not want her to show.
Her anger, she is bipolar.
I am scared.
-
I do not have balls, {Aren't you female? XD}
I am scared.
She does not deserve to see me.
She does not miss me.
-
I do not have any love for her.
{For s}he does not deserve it.
She wants money from my dad.
She does not want me.
-
I'm afraid she wants to see me
She is a slut,
I have nothing to wax.
She must go.
-
Why does not she party?
I do not want it.
Go away.
My interpretation:
So someone who is a slut is coming to your house and you hate her. The feeling is mutual. You don't want anything to do with her but she is coming anyways. I know this is about your mother as said in your author's note, but I still wanted to put an interpretation.
Overall:
I love the uniqueness. I have never seen another poem on here in another language before - other than your other French one - and it's a new idea. Thank God for Google translate XD
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
The interpretation of salope I thought was Bitch instead of slut. XD. Also I thought partie was the feminine version of partir in it's correct format but I must have been mistaken. I will work on it. I am still learning the language.
.
ah
I used google translate, so it probably is wrong
I am still learning the language, I will show my French teacher this poem today and see if there's any grammar corrections that need to be made.
I just noticed that you want my soul xD. Why?
XD because I'm a demon goddess